Tuesday, August 26, 2014

Confessions of a Female Swinger: Part 2- The Decision to Enter the Lifestyle

This is the second part of Nicole's story. Read Part One here.


How did we get started? How did I bring it up with my husband? Did he freak out? These are two of the most common questions people ask.

Unfortunately, I wouldn’t be the best poster child for bringing up the topic of swinging. Both of us, over the course of our marriage, had made some very poor decisions that resulted in some painful resolutions. If I were to do it again I would give the advice of being honest and open with your partner. If this is something that you really want to explore you need to approach the topic in a way that makes your partner understand your feelings. There may be a problem like mismatched libidos, wanting to add spice to the bedroom, or a bunch other reasons. If your partner is unaware of your feelings or the depth of your feelings then they are likely going to dismiss the idea.

For us how it eventually started because we're both very sexual individuals. In the beginning of our relationship we couldn't get enough sex with each other to the point where we had to back off just for the chafing alone. Time went on, the family expanded, and sex slowed down. We both still enjoyed sex but things became routine and predictable except for that once or twice a year “crazy sex” where we were fucking on the picnic table in the middle of the night after having one too many drinks.

Those types of crazy nights progressed to us messing around with friends, which involved me kissing other girls, grabbing their boobs, and other mild foreplay. This was always exciting and we would fuck like rabbits for about a month afterwards until we settled back into our routine. We both loved those crazy times but never really thought about expanding them beyond the chance encounter. It felt safe for me to mess around with girls because they’re harmless. While fun it was understood that I wasn't going to leave my husband for them.

That changed after a conversation with another co-worker. She revealed she they would go out on “dates” that her husband arranged for her so she could fuck other men. It turned her husband on knowing that she enjoyed it but it also gave their love life a dirty aspect. They got off on doing something “naughty”. 

I was perplexed by her casual way of reciting the stories like she was planning out her meals for the week or making arrangements for the kids' summer camp. I, like most people, had so many questions. Doesn't your husband get jealous? Does he fuck other girls? What happens after the date? Do you see these people again?

Relaying the story was the seed that eventually I planted with my husband. It was easy since we were not talking about us, jus a co-worker. After the initial discussion, he became fascinated with the topic. We would end up having many late night conversations about my co-worker. We would scoff and think “Wow, they’re fucked up. I’m glad we don’t need that in our lives to enjoy each other.” We were judgmental assholes.

Our conversations became longer and longer to the point where we actually thought out loud...what if we did that? Thinking of ourselves in that various scenarios helped bring up feelings we'd probably have. We came to a "what the Hell, let's try it at least once" decision. That brought up the planning aspect. How would we even start? How do you meet other swingers? What happens when you meet them? Is there a dress code or secret handshake?

Basically, I gave my husband the green light to research our questions. Those questions grew into deeper conversations that led to a lot of mental gymnastics. Why were we both okay with me fooling around with women but it wasn't okay for him? How would I rationalize allowing my husband to potentially fuck other women? If I was truly secure with myself and our relationship, should it matter? These were just a few of the questions I considered, which would eventually lead to us taking the plunge into the swinging world.


Wednesday, August 20, 2014

Confessions of a Female Swinger: An Introduction to the Series

As I've mentioned before, I'm close to releasing my fourth book tentatively titled "Curing Sexual Boredom." Jeff and Nicole, one of the couples I discuss, are swingers. I've been bugging them to guest-write a series of posts here at The Sexpressionists blog, but they doubted anyone would be interested in their story. After convincing them with the traffic data here on the site (my posts about threesomes, mismatched sex drives,  and consensual nonmonogamy have been exceedingly popular), Nicole finally relented. Over the next few weeks, I'm going to give her an open forum to write about her experiences, give advice, and answer any reader questions. As I mention in the book, these are not their real names. Using their real names would immediately out them to my circle of social media friends, and they're currently "closeted" due to both of their occupations. Without further ado, I present Nicole:


Confessions of a Female Swinger

I’m a wife, a mother, I have a white collar job, my kids play sports, I enjoy swimming and I’m a swinger. It’s still a complete mind fuck to say that out loud. Or in this case, type…but it’s true. My hope and goal by writing this blog is to entertain, have people question their own ideas about how we view our relationships, and ultimately grow. Your life is not my life, your circumstances and choices will be different than my circumstances and choices. I hope we can learn from each other through this series of blog posts. If you’re an open minded individual it might plant the seeds for something that fits into your lifestyle today or some day in the future.

Swinging, or “the lifestyle” as it’s also referred to, is not a bunch of bell bottomed, pot smoking twenty-somethings sharing free love to anyone and everyone, but much, much more. For me, it’s been a very eye-opening experience. I've learned countless things about myself sexually and learned more about all my relationships than I imagined I would.

This will be an multi-post series about my own personal experiences with swinging and why it works for us as a couple. I believe it's important to give the female perspective. It's easy to see why guys would want to choose swinging:

Fuck all the ladies you want and your spouse is ok with it? Hell yeah! 

It's a little more complicated from the female perspective, I think. 

Some of the upcoming blog posts will feature the following topics:
  • How and why I personally chose the lifestyle, and why we as a couple chose the lifestyle.
  • How swinging positively changed my views on my sexuality and body perception.
  • How to navigate the "You let your husband fuck other women and you're not jealous?!?" issues.
  • What happens when you're faced with a tiny penis? Yes, there is a point when size matters.
  • What do you do if the chemistry isn't there for one partner but it's there for the other?
  • What's it like to go on a couple's date knowing you might potentially fuck these people?

These are just a few of the topics I'd like to cover. If there are any other topics you as a reader would like me to discuss, leave suggestions in the comments below! Jason assured me all comments can be left anonymously. No topic is off-limits, so ask away!

Part Two


Tuesday, August 12, 2014

Does Pot Make Women Horny?

Over the last few months, I've been discussing various manifestations of female sexual arousal disorder, a common "disorder" women experience as they age. Women don't want to have sex as much as they used to in their younger years. I am of the opinion this is more of a situational issue related to boredom than a biological issue. The preferred solution would be to alleviate the boredom, which I've discussed previously. However, if we're not willing to take the leap into the world of alternative relationship models, we're left with artificially influencing female desire.

The quest to find a "female Viagra" has been well-documented. The company that finally finds, tests, and receives approval for a drug that will increase female arousal will have struck gold. And oil. 

But what if such a drug already exists?

I have a few friends that, thanks to their states' recreational marijuana initiatives, started experimenting with sex and pot. According to their anecdotal reports, certain strains of weed had a profound effect on arousal. Specifically, female arousal. Even more specifically, physical sensations and orgasm.

Being the skeptical person I am, I chalked it up to a placebo effect. After all, if female arousal were a common side effect, I would have expected to hear about it somewhere

Then another friend sent me this link:

The sample size is tiny (n=21), but the implications are fascinating. There's a link between the body's endocannabinoid system and arousal. The connection is poorly understood and more research is definitely needed, but it's enough to give credence to my friends' anecdotal reports.

Maybe the magical female Viagra already exists, and we just don't talk about it. If it turns out to be the case, I still don't believe it would be the ideal solution to "cure" female sexual arousal disorder, but it would certainly be better than some of the alternative (like a lifetime of sexual frustration or boredom.)

I'm curious just how wide-spread this phenomenon happens to be. I have a sneaking suspicion quite a few of my regular female readers may have first-hand experience with this phenomenon. If so, leave a comment!