This is the second part of Nicole's story. Read Part One here.
How did we get started? How did I bring it up with my husband? Did he freak out? These are two of the most common questions people ask.
Unfortunately, I wouldn’t be the best poster child for bringing up the topic of swinging. Both of us, over the course of our marriage, had made some very poor decisions that resulted in some painful resolutions. If I were to do it again I would give the advice of being honest and open with your partner. If this is something that you really want to explore you need to approach the topic in a way that makes your partner understand your feelings. There may be a problem like mismatched libidos, wanting to add spice to the bedroom, or a bunch other reasons. If your partner is unaware of your feelings or the depth of your feelings then they are likely going to dismiss the idea.
For us how it eventually started because we're both very sexual individuals. In the beginning of our relationship we couldn't get enough sex with each other to the point where we had to back off just for the chafing alone. Time went on, the family expanded, and sex slowed down. We both still enjoyed sex but things became routine and predictable except for that once or twice a year “crazy sex” where we were fucking on the picnic table in the middle of the night after having one too many drinks.
Those types of crazy nights progressed to us messing around with friends, which involved me kissing other girls, grabbing their boobs, and other mild foreplay. This was always exciting and we would fuck like rabbits for about a month afterwards until we settled back into our routine. We both loved those crazy times but never really thought about expanding them beyond the chance encounter. It felt safe for me to mess around with girls because they’re harmless. While fun it was understood that I wasn't going to leave my husband for them.
That changed after a conversation with another co-worker. She revealed she they would go out on “dates” that her husband arranged for her so she could fuck other men. It turned her husband on knowing that she enjoyed it but it also gave their love life a dirty aspect. They got off on doing something “naughty”.
I was perplexed by her casual way of reciting the stories like she was planning out her meals for the week or making arrangements for the kids' summer camp. I, like most people, had so many questions. Doesn't your husband get jealous? Does he fuck other girls? What happens after the date? Do you see these people again?
Relaying the story was the seed that eventually I planted with my husband. It was easy since we were not talking about us, jus a co-worker. After the initial discussion, he became fascinated with the topic. We would end up having many late night conversations about my co-worker. We would scoff and think “Wow, they’re fucked up. I’m glad we don’t need that in our lives to enjoy each other.” We were judgmental assholes.
Our conversations became longer and longer to the point where we actually thought out loud...what if we did that? Thinking of ourselves in that various scenarios helped bring up feelings we'd probably have. We came to a "what the Hell, let's try it at least once" decision. That brought up the planning aspect. How would we even start? How do you meet other swingers? What happens when you meet them? Is there a dress code or secret handshake?
Basically, I gave my husband the green light to research our questions. Those questions grew into deeper conversations that led to a lot of mental gymnastics. Why were we both okay with me fooling around with women but it wasn't okay for him? How would I rationalize allowing my husband to potentially fuck other women? If I was truly secure with myself and our relationship, should it matter? These were just a few of the questions I considered, which would eventually lead to us taking the plunge into the swinging world.