Monday, September 1, 2014

Confessions of a Female Swinger: Part 3 - Dealing with Jealousy

This is the third part of Nicole's story. Read Part One here and Part Two here.


If you would have told me a few years ago I would be watching my husband going down on another woman three feet away on a bed, I would have expected a catfight to break out. Oh, what a difference a few years make. Instead of flying into a blind rage and bashing in her skull, I found myself having this exchange:

Her: “Wow, your husband really likes to lick pussy!” 
Me, brimming with pride: “I know, and he’s pretty good at it.”

When I first tell people that my husband and I are swingers I get a lot of the same questions.  One of the most frequently asked is “Don't you get jealous?” Like me from a few years ago, most people can't fathom their partner being with someone else, let alone enjoying watching them with others. 

Most people deal with jealousy by ignoring the feeling and eliminating the source. If the waitress at Applebee’s is flirting with your man, the solution for most women is to get defensive and leave the restaurant as quickly as possible. It stops the jealousy but does nothing to address the underlying problem, which is insecurity.

It takes a confident and secure couple to enter the world of swinging. Jealousy happens because we're afraid of something, usually losing our partner to someone else. I'm secure enough in myself to know I am a great partner, and my husband feels the same about himself. I’m also secure in our relationship and our ability to communicate if and when either of us experience jealousy. When those feelings pop up we discuss the immediately. Actualizing that fear of loss makes the jealousy disappear. 

At the end of the day I don't own my husband and I have no control over his decision to stay with me. At any time he could meet someone else, start an affair, or leave me.  I feel the more constraints I put on my husband the more likely one of these scenarios might happen. The more possessive I become to try to keep him in a cage, the less room we have for happiness in our marriage. The same holds true in reverse. The more freedom I have, the more I want to be with him. 

Swinging is an extension of our sexual experience together.  It doesn't take away from our own relationship but it enhances it in a way I never thought possible.  I would equate it to adding a sex toy in the bedroom, just on a much more adventurous level. It's only threatening if we make it threatening. It’s a huge turn on watching my husband give pleasure to someone else. It’s a huge turn on talking about our experiences afterward. It’s a huge turn on having mind blowing sex the next few weeks after our encounters.  

Communication is extremely important and the key to keeping jealousy at bay. When we first started we had A LOT of conversations about our comfort level with various acts. Those conversations led to a set of rules we'd follow when we were with others.  We started out very cautiously by just observing, then having sex in front of others. We ended finding we were really comfortable and wanted to push our boundaries, so we ventured into the full swap very quickly.  Turns out we're both sluttier than we thought.  

In the beginning, we wanted to approve each other’s choices, I was going to start with women only and he could do light foreplay but that was it.  It didn't take long at all before I realized I was ok with anything he wanted to do.  We both came to the conclusion that we trusted each other’s instincts. We both knew this was just recreation, sort of like a hobby.  While it can take some couples years to become comfortable with full swapping we were there in just a few short months.  Again, we're probably a little sluttier than the average couple.

We're not looking for emotional connections with others.  Could that happen? Yes. It could happen outside of the swinging community as well. I'm secure with myself, my husband, and our relationship. That security, ironically, is strengthened by swinging because we both know we have other options but still choose each other. We can indulge in our fantasies and give in to our desires yet go home with each other at the end of the night.