Friday, April 17, 2015

Hacking Ovulation: Make Aunt Flow Your Ally, Men




Pretty much every dude is familiar with the female menstural cycle. Most men know women have periods about once every month or so. That's about as far as most of us get in understanding female fertility. That's too bad, because learning to hack your wife or girlfriend's (or random women you're trying to pick up) menstrual cycle can dramatically improve your relationship. Before we get to that...


Very Brief Explanation of Ovulation


For our purposes, all you really need to know about ovulation is the timing. Women ovulate (when an unfertilized egg is released from one of her ovaries) about fourteen days before they begin their period. If a woman has sex a few days before to a few days after ovulation, she can get pregnant. The actual window when the egg is viable is actually less than a day, but sperm can be viable inside a woman for days. If you want a much more detailed explanation, check this out

Charting Ovulation



So how do you know when a woman is ovulating? I recommend doing this in secret, though open-minded women would probably be on board with this project. Anyway, here are a few methods:
  • Use a calendar. Start marking the first day of her period on a calendar. After a few months, add up the days between each mark and average them. This is the average length of her menstrual cycle. Once you have an average, calculate when her next period will start. She will ovulate about 14 days before that future date. This is the easiest method. If she has a regular cycle, use this method.
  • Basal body temperature. When a woman ovulates, her body temperature increases about a half of a degree. Couples that are having trouble conceiving routinely chart the woman's body temperate to maximize the return on sex. To use this method, I recommend buying an infrared no-touch thermometer, then take her temperature on the same body part at the same time every morning. If you want to ramp up the creepy factor, do this while she's sleeping. Chart this temperature. I recommend using the same calendar from above; the data can be used to increase the reliability of the estimate.
  • Cervical mucus. A woman's cervix generates mucus that changes based on how close she is to ovulation. I highly doubt you have to go to this length, but it's useful nonetheless. About a week after her period, her cervix will start producing a thick white mucus. As ovulation nears, the mucus becomes clear and a little sticky... sort of like egg whites. That change in color and consistency is a relaibale indicator of ovulation.
  • Watch her behaviors. Women that are ovulating tend to exhibit observable behaviors which are motivated by hormones. The purpose of the behaviors are to attract sex because, well, that's kinda the point of ovulation. When women are fertile, they generally act more feminine. This inclused more revealing clothing (interestingly, this appears to allow them to out-compete other women, not necessarily attract men), walking with more of a sexy sway, talks with a slightly higher voice, exhibits more flirty behaviors, has a greater interest in social activities, and she releases pheromones that release testosterone in men (makes us horny.)
  • Watch your own behaviors. Us men actually have a sophisticated response system to female ovulation, it just occurs unconsciously. If our woman is ovulating, we engage in "mate guarding" behaviors like holding hands, adopting protective body language, staying closer in public, staring down other males, etc. If we're really self-aware, we can usually detect these very subtle urges in ourselves. 

Sociobiology




If you read through my entire "Women, Explained" series, you're familiar with the role of sociobiology in dictating our mating behaviors. If not, here's a brief primer. Women have a dual sexual strategy I describe in the hypergamy post. They want an attractive, dominant alpha male for his sperm contribution (produces healthy kids) and they want a committed, supportive beta male for security and provisioning. Ideally, they find this combo in one guy. That doesn't happen often, though.



Because of that, nature has a funny way of making sure our species survives. When she's fertile, women crave masculine "manly" men (alphas) for their sperm. When she's not, she prefers the company of a beta male to help her and her children survive. Based on the nature of female desire, this sets up a situation where women's sex drive fluctuates with her menstrural cycle. She gets horny (usually on par with what us dudes experience 24/7) around ovulation, especially in the presence of alphas. This is when she's most likely to have advertising sex. The rest of the month she's significantly less aroused and far more likely to have maintenance sex



In our not so distant past (or sometimes even today), this meant women were committing to the best provider they could attract based on their sexual market value, but also having sex with the most attractive male they could attract based on their SMV. If these were different men, she'd likely give birth to the alpha's kid and the beta male would raise it (believing it's his own.)


How to Hack Ovulation to Improve Your Relationship



Okay, so how can this weird feature of ovulation be used to improve your relationship? It's pretty easy - just display strong alpha traits in the days leading up to ovulation, then kick back and beta it up the rest of the time. 



The more convincing you can play the alpha role, the more pronounced her arousal should be. I would recommend starting four or five days before ovulation, be an alpha whenever you're in her presence, and keep it up for about four or five days afterward. 


The Alpha Test



A lot of guys have asked me "how do I know if I'm an alpha or a beta?" There's a fun little test that can tell you exactly where you stand, at least in the eyes of your significant other. If she initiates sex enthusiastically around the time of ovulation, odds are good she sees you as her alpha. If you initiate and she responds enthusiastically, you're still in pretty good standing. However, if she avoids you when she's ovulating, you're in trouble. It means a) she does not see you as her alpha and is not sexually aroused by you (meaning you probably need to change), and b) odds are good she'll be prone to being seduced (or seducing herself) other alpha males. If she's dressing in that slinky dress with matching bra and panties for the "girls' night out dancing", that's a really, really bad sign.


The Pill



Birth control pills deserve special mention here. If your woman is on the pill, this entire post is probably invalid. We don't fully understand this effect yet, but women on the pill do not always follow this same set of rules because women typically do not ovulate. The pill, regardless of the brand and composition, more or less mimics pregnancy. In the absence of hormones that cause her to crave alphas when ovulating, women probably prefer betas all the time. 



This could explain the rise of the beta male since the development of oral contraceptives. Us men are nothing if not efficient. The sexual marketplace, post-oral contraceptives, demands more betas. We adjust our behaviors to make up for this demand by becoming more beta.



Of course, the problem with this is women are not really aroused by betas and that tends to deep-six relationships after a few years. I like flirting with this hypothesis because we typically blame the explosion of betas on our society on all kinds of social factors from feminism to capitalism. The fact that a tiny pill could throw our entire mating strategy off kilter amuses me. 

Conclusion


Understanding and hacking female ovulation is a very simple method to ramp up the passion in your relationship. In fact, mastering this technique is probably the easiest way to alternate between passion and intimacy. Ovulation can also be used to assess your own "alphaness." Finally, the development of oral contraceptives may have been at least partly responsible for our current "excess beta male" problem.

What do you think? If you're a dude, would you use this methodology? If you're female, what do you think? Do you notice this effect, or is it like "mate guarding" and occur unconsciously? Leave a comment!

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Thursday, April 16, 2015

Beta Males, Explained: Part Three - The Societal Impact of the Invasive Species We Call the Beta Male

In the first section of this series, I covered my operational definitions of alpha and beta males. In the second part of the series, I covered the antecedents of the beta male personality type and discussed the typical life path for beta males. In this section, I discuss a few of the societal impacts that have been caused by the proliferation of the beta male. We'll begin to see the beta male is a surprisingly disruptive force that basically acts like an invasive species encroaching on an ecosystem - it kills some things and causes others to grow unchecked. 

How Betas Ruin Society


One of my favorite pass times involves contemplating the societal effects of various movements, ideas, or constructs. The rise of the beta male is no exception. Back in the day, most men were alphas. Women were sexually attracted to these men. The women would choose the highest value male their own value could attract. They would then spend the rest of their lives "fighting" a perpetual battle. He would exert his alpha-ness (supplied passion to the relationship); she would attempt to tame that alpha-ness (supplied intimacy to the relationship.) The net effect was a natural cycling of passion and intimacy, which kept the couple happy indefinitely. The system wasn't infallible, but it did work more than it didn't.  

Today, there are far fewer alpha males. Some women, usually the highest-value women (young, attractive, smart, funny, etc.), can attract these men which are then "tamed" just like grandma and grandpa's relationship. The rest of the women have to settle for some version of a beta. Because betas cannot keep women interested beyond about a year or so, all sorts of weird societal trends emerge. I'm going to avoid attaching a moral judgement to any of these, but some do create positive outcomes while others create negative outcomes.

Gave rise to serial monogamy. Serial monogamy, where we move from one monogamous relationship to the next, developed because beta males are incapable of injecting passion into a relationship. That causes the quality and quantity of sex to decrease substantially after the first year or two, which ultimately undermines the relationship. So we end it. Then we look for another. This cycle repeats itself about every six to eight years. 

Screw career women by giving false hope about the marketplace. For decades, we've been telling women they can "have it all", which means they can go to college and start a career and delay getting married and starting a family. In many cases, we encourage women to wait as late as their late-30's before they settle down. We DON'T tell women that the market for "high-value" men dries up pretty quickly. Any alpha on the market is going to receive A LOT of female attention, and those males are going to choose the highest value female available... which is going to be somewhere around the age of 23-25. All that's left for the remaining women are younger beta males still looking for their soul mate or older beta males that have recently divorced.

The "you can have it all" fantasy...


These males, because they believe women love to be placed on a pedestal, will usually use a shotgun approach where they shower several women with attention and attempt to prove their willingness to defer to them in hopes one will bite. This is most commonly seen when women post a selfie on social media and scores of dudes comment on "how pretty she looks." The woman, who may be relatively low-value, develops an inflated sense of her own worth. Her inflated value causes her to believe she can land a high value male. So she hits the dating scene and quickly learns all those males that were giving her attention are actually spineless, vagina-drying betas. In the unlikely event she manages to land an alpha for a one-night stand, he has no intention of committing because he has better options. She's forced to either settle for a beta (who she'll end up divorcing in a few years anyway) or continue playing the dating game in a market that gets worse and worse with each passing year. She's a victim of supply and demand. Specifically, she's a victim of a market saturated by beta males that compulsively boosted her self-confidence which gave her an unrealistic perception of the sexual marketplace.

The "you can have it all" reality.


It's harder to tame today's alphas. The more males choose to play the beta role, the more valuable alpha males become. When women say "where have all the good men gone?", they're not talking about betas (as beta males would like to believe.) They're talking about alphas. Because alpha value is inflated, the competition for their affection is stiff. If a woman manages to land an alpha, he has to work harder to keep him interested. He will receive a lot of female attention, so she has to continually prove her worth to him. This instability is just like the instability that kept grandma and grandpa together, only it's even more powerful. If you see one of these couples today, you'll know it. They ooze happiness and contentment. It's such a contrast from every other couple with the frumpy, naggy wife and the fat, pussy-whipped husband, you can't help but to notice. The alpha is the envy of many women, especially those that begin to realize they've dramatically overestimated to market of available alpha males. The woman in this relationship is the envy of every beta male because, quite frankly, she maintains that sexiness she had at the very beginning of the relationship. In these couples, the honeymoon slowed down but never really died.

Anyway, that alpha is harder to tame because alphas realize they're unicorns. They know they're sharks swimming in an ocean of beta seals. They're not restrained by common beta thought processes like "she's out of my league" or "I'd never have a chance with her." To the alpha, every woman is in his league regardless of age, attractiveness, or relationship status. The only women that are really unobtainable are those in relationships with fellow alphas. Those women have maximized hypergamy and, unless their alpha is a low-value alpha, realized they're far better off than the women left fighting over betas. The women that land an alpha keep them with the best tool in their toolbox: A steady diet of advertising sex

Increases teen and out-of-wedlock pregnancies. The increase in beta males has had a weird effect on what could best be described as "hookup culture." There are basically a small number of alpha men that spend their high school, college, and 20's getting all the women they can handle. Because they're competing with beta men, it's easy pickings. This also means alphas are less likely to commit to long-term relationships and marriage due to the allure of novel pussy. These were the men that women used to "land" in their late teens to early 20's. Women could land beta males at this stage, but since their own value is high, they're not going to commit to a low value male. Since women are told they can have it all, they're not about to cash out with a beta when they believe they can land an alpha right after they take care of college and career-building. 

This trend results in a lot of hookups between alphas and younger women. That results in the occasional accidental pregnancy, or the occasional "accidental" pregnancy intended to entrap an alpha in the hopes of taming him (which is why you use condoms, boys.) Either way, babies are being conceived outside of a committed relationship. Some couples may stay together; many do not. The net result is a lot of single mothers and broken homes.

Increases divorce rate, single motherhood, welfare, etc. This is sort of tied to the last point, but expands a little bit. Because beta males cannot maintain successful relationships beyond a few years, we see significant increases in divorces. This results in a lot of household incomes being split in half forcing the entire family closer to poverty, which increases the burden on social services. 

Makes us fat. There's a curiously predictable trend I've noticed. Most single people keep themselves in pretty good shape. That makes sense; fitness is attractive to both sexes. I've also noticed couples where the male is an alpha tend to stay in pretty good shape. That makes sense; part of that passion and intimacy ebb and flow is due to both people having to continually "qualify" for each other (prove they're better than other options out there.) I've also noticed relationships where the male is a beta tend to let themselves go. A lot. Both people will start the relationship relatively fit. They go through the honeymoon period as-is. Once that ends, they both start gaining weight, paying less attention to grooming, dress worse, and generally just become messes. This makes logical sense because the woman isn't being sexually aroused by her beta male mate and not initiating sex, so the male eventually gives in to the laziness of becoming a couch potato. Because his value is sinking, she doesn't have to worry about other women stealing him away, thus all sex is maintenance sex. She's doing it out of duty, not genuine desire. She lets herself go because she doesn't have to stay fit to hold his attention. This effect is reinforced because, due to his beta-ness, he continues to shower her with positive attention. He's inadvertently reinforcing her downward-trending attractiveness.



This trend always continues until a breaking point which occurs when one or both people mentally and emotionally throw in the towel. One of the clearest signs a relationship is about to end is when one member (more often the woman) suddenly hits the gym and starts working on themselves. They've realized they've let themselves go and are prepping to hit the market.

Helps our economy. Part of the beta male belief system is that a woman's affection can be bought. It's the "if I buy her flowers, dinner, a movie, a diamond tennis bracelet, this card from Hallmark, this giant stuffed teddy bear, and this raspberry Slushie, she'll give me sex. Yes, that's a supreme irony of the beta male "I'm doing this for social justice" mindset - they're attempting to prove a woman is their equal by essentially treating her like a prostitute. 

It doesn't work.

Female desire, under no circumstance, can be bought. Or negotiated. This doesn't stop the beta male from trying, however. Betas will spend a ridiculous amount of cash on a woman in an attempt to prove his worthiness. In essence, he's appealing to the provisioning and security side of her innate hypergamy. The beta male will usually combine this with the aforementioned "pedestal" behaviors. The net result is a boost to capitalism.

Female "type" fetishes increase. Beta men chronically underestimate their value on the sexual market, even for their low-value beta status. A guy that might be a "7" if he were an alpha may be a "5" as a beta, but he has so little confidence in himself he considers himself to be a "3." Worse, he's going to overvalue every woman he meets (which is a natural function of placing women on pedestals.) A woman that may have been a "3" herself will be rated as a "6" to him. The result is beta males never approach women they deem "out of their league", even in cases where the guy is clearly higher value than the woman. The beta that's actually a "5" (and could be a "7" if he dropped the beta act) would be intimidated by a woman he believes is a "6" that's really a "3." 

This has all sorts of weird effects, including beta men creating fetishes for low-value women. The best example of this would be "MILFs" (Moms I'd Like to Fuck), which are also known as "cougars." Other examples could include BBWs, amputees, grannies, etc. All of these groups are becoming more popular because beta males believe these are the women that are "in their league." As such, they become the object of their fantasies.

"I haven't cum this hard since D-Day!"


The porn industry explodes. Beta males aren't eunuchs. They have just as much (or almost as much) testosterone flowing through their veins as their alpha brethren. The difference? Alphas are satisfying their needs with women. Betas are using their hand. Or a Fleshlight. The result is a shit-ton of Internet sites and bandwidth dedicated to porn. The adult entertainment industry has become one of the most powerful commercial powerhouses in our modern world thanks almost entirely to beta males' inability to score. Aside from that brief sliver of time during the honeymoon phase of their relationships when they're getting as much ass as their alpha male cohorts, beta males IN relationships watch porn and masturbate as much as beta males NOT in relationships. 

Gave rise to polyamory and the "hot wife" phenomenon. Polyamory is a type of consensual nonmonogamy where the members of a relationship are free to enter intimate relationships with other people. Polyamory was one of the types of social sexuality I discussed in No Bone Zone. "Hotwifing" is a form of consensual nonmonogamy where only the wife has sex with other men. Either way, both have experienced a substantial increase in popularity over the last few decades partly because of the proliferation of beta males. The fundamental problem with beta male-based relationships is the inability of the male to sexually arouse his partner. Polyamory circumvents this problem in two ways - it adds sexual novelty to the mix (two beta males can be played off each other to sort of create the same desire as one alpha) and it adds more potential provisioning to satisfy the security aspect to a woman's hypergamy drive. Adding additional women also gives the beta male novelty, which can be used to sort of create a honeymoon period that lasts longer than regular pair-bonding. 

Hotwifing solves the beta male problem in another way - it allows a woman to indulge in hot sex with alphas while still keeping her beta man for security and provisioning. This has a net effect of keeping her satisfied and allowing him to get some post "I just fucked an alpha" exciting sex. 

Women become the voice of what men want. Back in the day, men displayed the characteristics they knew turned women on, and women displayed characteristics they knew turned men on. At some point, however, we fell into a pattern where the beta male started asking women what they wanted. Women, not always conscious of the dual nature of their hypergamy, responded that women wanted nice, respectful men. The beta males took that to the extreme and started embracing weakness, vulnerability, and passivity as the traits "women really want." 

That shift has caused women to begin defining what men want in a woman, and that hasn't gone well. No other area has been affected quite like body image. Specifically, women have come to believe that men prefer a far thinner "ideal" than they really do, which has led to an explosion of eating disorders. Women believe men prefer thin women, so they strive to reach that ideal. Men generally do find thinner women more attractive than heavier women, but there's a very definite point of diminishing returns. Far too many women go wayyyy past that point.

"Every male in history is repulsed by me, yet I blame men for
my unrealistic perception of what men want."


Another example is slut-shaming. Generally speaking, men love women that love sex. In other words, men love sluts. Women, however, do not. Back in the day, women would call a woman a slut in an attempt to disqualify a woman as a potential mate ("you don't want to date her, she's a slut. She'll cheat on you the first chance she gets.") That held considerable weight before serial monogamy and consensual nonmonogamy became more popular. Now the only dudes that really care about female purity are the betas looking for that special soul mate. Even then, they'll gladly overlook a party-girl past if they're sufficiently convinced the woman will appreciate his willingness to sacrifice his dignity and self-respect for her love. 

The quality of men decreases substantially. Back in the day, men were ambitious. They had goals, and they worked their asses off to reach those goals. They were focused on becoming the best man they could be. They knew that determination toward something better was irresistible to women, so that's how they attracted a mate. That mate became an accessory to their life.

Today, almost all men make women the focus of their lives, not an external goal. The result: Guys don't accomplish nearly as much. They're not driven to succeed in business, conquer nations, invent the next revolutionary hair-removal system, or even plug away at a blue-collar job until retirement. The focus on supporting women in an attempt to gain their affection (aka "pussy") could be successful, but beta males have no idea what actually turns women on. 

The net result is a growing pool of men that really don't have a lot to offer. we don't do as well in school as we used to, we don't graduate college as often as we used to, we don't make as much money as we used to, etc. When women say "where have all the good men gone?", that's not just because they've overestimated their value on the open market - men actually are decreasing in quality.

Male fraternal organizations disappeared. We used to have quite a few male-only places where men could go to interact with other men. They could discuss their careers, family life, and relationship issues without female interference. Over time, more and more beta males, under the guise of "gender equality", started allowing women into these places. Only it wasn't about gender equality. It was a misguided attempt to get laid. Men allow women into men-only places because they believe women will appreciate the gesture and repay with sex. Also, it gives beta men another opportunity to try to unlock the supposed secrets to turning a woman on. 

This disappearance of male fraternal organizations (aka "man spaces") further exasperated the beta male problem because it eliminated the only real opportunity for men to discuss what actually DOES turn women on. 

Creates pickup artist culture. There have always been men that were "players." Their only interest was hooking up with as many women as possible. These were the untamable alpha males of yesteryear. It was a tough gig, though. They had to prey on younger unattached women, unhappily married women that couldn't land an alpha (yes, betas have always been around), or women that were divorcees or widows (significant during times of war.) 

Oh, how times have changed. First, there are A LOT more unattached younger women given the average age of marriage has increased from around 19 to the late 20's. Second, there are a lot less alpha competitors. Third, there are a lot more women in unhappy marriages to beta males. Fourth, there are a lot more divorced women. Finally, there are a lot more women in their 30's that are getting increasingly more desperate because they failed to land an alpha back when they were at their peak value. 

All of these dynamics lead to a pickup artist's wet dream. A marginally attractive guy with even a minimal amount of confidence and decent style, with very little effort, can easily get all the pussy he can handle. It's like a 'roided-up Barry Bonds hitting homers off a 12 year old on a Little League field. There's an ample supply of young, fun, sexually-adventurous college-age girls looking for random hookups. There's an ample supply of independent, intelligent, sexy young professional women looking for not-so-serious physical relationships. There's an ample supply of unhappily married desperate-to-please MILFs looking for some discreet no strings attached flings. There's an ample supply of recently-divorced gym rat women desperate to relive their party girl years. And that's just the under-40 pool. 

It's no surprise pickup artistry is becoming more and more popular. Sadly for the beta male, his outrage and disgust over the actions of the pickup artist prevents him from seeing the unfortunate truth - the pickup artist "gets" women a thousand times more than he will ever hope. 

Conclusion


The proliferation of the beta male has and continues to radically change our society. For women, this means the pool of quality men is forever shrinking which forces women to settle far more than they would have in the past. That "settling" for a beta almost always results in a relationship that erodes into a nearly-sexless "roommate" situation that eventually ends in divorce. For men, this means we have the choice to be a replaceable, mostly insignificant bit player in the lives of women resulting in a bitter, resentful, lonely end OR embrace our alphaness and either bury ourselves in readily-available and enthusiastic vagina or settle in a mutually-fulfilling long-term relationship where we can leverage our alphaness to keep the passion alive indefinitely. 

Me? I choose the latter option. And for any men that choose the same - check out the beginning stages of my San Diego Man Camp project.

Part One, Part Two


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Beta Males, Explained: Part Two - The Life Cycle of a Beta Male

In the first section of this series, I explained what I consider to be "alpha males" and "beta males." In this section, I'll discuss why beta males become beta males (what's their real motivation), and I'll follow a typical beta male timeline as they advance through life.

Understanding Beta Males

Beta males are almost always defined by one very specific trait - they sincerely believe women are aroused by vulnerable, weak men. Furthermore, the beta male believes there is one special woman out there for him. Once he finds her, their love will create a mystical, magical union that can and will overcome anything and everything. They can finally relax from tirelessly searching for their soul mate and smell the roses. They'll grow old together and he'll read stories of their courtship from a tattered old notebook while she slowly slips into the abyss of dementia. 

Or some shit like that.

This is almost always the root of beta male behavior - placing women on a pedestal. In the past, betas were just a small subsection of shy males that experienced anxiety in the presence of women. Today, I would hypothesize the majority of American males fit the beta profile. The personality type has become so prevalent because men are basically taught that women prefer this type of man, which is then reinforced by parents, friends, school, news media, magazines, TV, movies, and, of course, women. 

That belief is powerful for males because, deep down, most of us love the idea that there's one special someone out there that represents our perfect match. A guy doesn't have to work to impress women; he can just be himself. The right girl will find him. Once we meet, we'll complete each other. Most importantly, men can finally stop performing to earn the love of a woman. They've been doing the hard work their whole lives, now they get to enjoy the fruits of their labor.



Or so they believe. 

Betas go through their early lives in silent desperation. They usually internalize their "women love vulnerable men" sexual strategy around the time they hit puberty. They're led to believe women require comfort, respect, and time to get to the point where they may be interested in sex (and a relationship... but sex is the primary concern.) As such, they study women. They learn their habits. They learn their mannerisms. They attempt to learn how women think. This is why beta males feel more comfortable around women... they believe women want men that can assume feminine traits. Also, they tend to see other guys as prehistoric Luddites that haven't "evolved" into special, sensitive modern men.

That last belief is part of the reason the beta mindset is so resilient to extinction - Beta males believe their deferring to females is a morally-superior position. In a post-Feminism world, the beta male is the champion of social justice. He's not only willing to stick up for women, he's willing to sacrifice his goals, dreams, aspirations, self-respect, and even his sense of self for the feminine cause.

Sounds chivalrous, huh?

Not quite.

For all the talk of righting the wrongs of our patriarchal society, a beta male adopts his strategy for one reason: Pussy. In all likelihood, he's surrounded himself with continual messages telling him that the beta persona is the only way to win over the woman of his dreams, so he stubbornly sticks with it. Part of the reason he sticks with it is because he can hide the selfish motivations behind that shield of social justice. The beta male can point to the alpha males and say "See? I'm not like those misogynistic assholes. I support women and women's rights. I feel your pain as an oppressed minority. I feel your pain of powerlessness. Now if you wouldn't mind, do you think we could have a conversation about removing these panties? If it's okay with you, of course."

The Life Experiences of the Beta Male


Because beta males intentionally isolate themselves away from other males, they're much more in tune with female behaviors. This allows the beta male to adopt behaviors and mannerisms of women in an attempt to arouse them. More significantly, it prevents the beta male from really observing other males. If they did spend more time around males, they'd realize most males are attempting to play the exact same game they are. They're not the special snowflake they presume they are; they're just another beta guppy in an ocean of betas... which helps explain their behaviors. Here are a few common scenarios beta males commonly find themselves in:

The teen beta male that keeps getting friend-zoned by his secret crushes. The beta male thinks he's found his Cinderella by watching her from afar. He'll likely befriend her in an attempt to build rapport because he believes that comfort is what turns her on. As such, he's petrified to make a move even if she really wants him to. He just doesn't recognize her signals. Eventually she gives up and turns her attention to more assertive alpha males while friendzoning the beta. He begrudgingly accepts the role as her emotional tampon and patiently waits for the "clearly inferior alpha" to fuck things up so he can have another crack at his dream girl. Which never happens. The cycle repeats a few times until eventually the beta concludes the woman of his dreams is actually a shallow, vapid, low-value slut. After all, why else would she keep going for these jackass alphas? The beta male doesn't even consider the possibility that all women are turned on by alphas because he is too emotionally-invested in his "women love vulnerable men" worldview. 

The 20-something beta male that can't seem to land the hot chicks. This beta may be in college, recently graduated, or in the beginning of a promising career. This beta has probably had at least one relationship with a girl he thought was "the one", only to have her turn out to be a different person than she was in the beginning. Now he's trying to play the field, but doesn't have a  lot of success. He goes to the bars and clubs, he spends a lot of time on the periphery of the room holding his drink chest-high rhythmically moving to the music, checking out the girls. Yet he's rarely if ever approached. The only women that seem to show interest are either too overweight, too old, or come off as way too desperate. Still, he gets just enough action to keep himself from going insane. His dream girls are still falling for the asshole alphas, though, and this infuriates the 20-something beta. He briefly considers the possibility that his worldview may be wrong, but quickly dismisses the idea.



The late-20's to early 30's beta male that finally lands his soul mate. All that hard work and patience finally pays off for the beta when he lands a "good girl." She likely came out of nowhere, made the first move, and is significantly more attractive and sweeter than the girls he's used to "dating." Best of all, the sex is far better than anything he's had up to this point, which confirms what he knew all along - women love a weak, vulnerable male. It just took a special woman to finally appreciate that sacrifice he's been making since he hit puberty. He falls head-over-heels in love with her. He eagerly marries her and rides the wave of fantastic sex for months or even a year or two. Eventually she gets pregnant and gives birth. The frequency and quality of sex drop off almost overnight, but the beta male rolls with it because little kids are difficult. Besides, it's only a matter of time before his indecisiveness and passivity make him irresistible once again. 

Late 30's beta male that's trapped in a life of silent desperation. After about four or five years of marriage, the beta male has fallen into a predictable pattern of spending every waking moment of every day trying to figure out the magical combination that will unlock the kinky, sexually-adventurous wife that's buried beneath the naggy, overweight harpy of a "wife" that constantly reminds him of his incompetence. Even though he's a skilled lover (the benefit of obsessing about pleasing women), he can sense she's just not into it. She never initiates, she never touches him in an intimate way, she's grossed out by anything and everything related to sex, and she even bristles when he tries to kiss her. He's desperate for female attention and, like the women from his earlier relationships, he begins wondering if he's made a grave mistake. This woman might not be "the one." At this point, he's probably considering having an affair or initiating a divorce, but can't quite bring himself to do it. Because he's still clinging to his flawed worldview, the beta male never considers the possibility that his now apparently asexual wife does indeed have intense sexual longing... just not for him. The straw that breaks this camel's back can come in many forms. One or both partners might get caught cheating. One or both may decide to end the relationship. Or, sometimes, the beta male discovers things from his "good girl" wife's past. Specifically, he may find out details of her wild sexual exploits before him and he realizes she doesn't, and never did, give him her best sexually. In fact, this is the period where all sorts of epiphanies strike, including the fact that the beta male's wife hasn't loved him for a very long time. The most common phrase men utter in this stage is "I cannot believe she could do that" where "that" is usually the pool boy or his boss. Or served him with divorce papers. It's probably tough knowing she's getting the house while he's getting this:



Post-40's beta male. With any luck, by the time beta males cross the forty threshold, they've experienced enough real live to realize their "women love betas" worldview is not only wrong, but a worldview that actually repels women. Hopefully he now realizes his wife, which he may or may not be with, chose him because he was the best provider she could get to commit, not because he was the hottest, sexiest man she had ever met. This realization is what usually brings on what we like to call a "midlife crisis" where men buy a sports car, abandon their families, and start dating 20-something hot girls. It's worth noting, however, that this isn't a "crisis" at all. It's a realization that the beta male has been living in a Hell disguised as a fantasy world. Once he realizes women hate betas, it's easy enough to adopt alpha traits which, given his maturity and degree of career success, makes him a high value male. THAT is the reason he can and does date younger women. And that sports car? He's probably spent his entire life suppressing his own needs and wants for the women in his life. For the first time, he's doing something for himself. God damn it, he deserves that convertible Mustang.

But what if post-40's beta male doesn't experience this epiphany? That's where things start to get very, very sad. If the beta male, by some miracle, manages to keep his relationship together "for the kids", both him and his wife will go through the motions of a relationship year after year after year as their kids age. When the last of the kids leave the house, the two decades of misery almost always kill the relationship. Both partners would rather brave the singles market in their 50's than spend their twilight years together. In all likelihood, the beta male will marry once again and the cycle will repeat. If he's lucky, he'll kick the bucket during the first year or so of a new relationship while everything is new and happy. In all probability, he'll instead die alone or worse, he'll die in a relationship that's already tanked after the honeymoon period. Throughout his entire life, the beta male had  one fear - that's he'd die alone. Because he never learned the fundamental lesson of what women really want, his greatest fear is actualized.

Conclusion


In this section, I covered why beta males become beta males and how that personality type goes through life. In the next section, I'll cover some of the societal impacts we've seen as a result of an ever-growing beta male population. We'll begin to see that beta males are sort of like an invasive species that upsets an entire ecosystem. It'll be fun.

Part One, Part Three


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Beta Males, Explained: Part One - Defining Alpha and Beta

Since I've been discussing gender role issues, several readers have asked about the definition of "alpha" and "beta" males. Here are my operational definitions:

Alpha Male: An alpha, in the simplest of terms, is sexually-arousing to females. Some specific characteristics that almost always encompass alpha behavior include:

  • Their self is their point of focus
  • Does not need approval or permission
  • Assertive
  • Confident
  • Seeks risk and danger
  • Decisive
  • Stands out
  • Dominant
  • Welcomes criticism
  • "Expanding" body language
  • Calm
  • Indifferent
  • Speaks clearly and slowly
  • Sets trends
  • Attractive, fit, stylish look
  • Movements are slow and smooth
  • Controls emotions
  • Charismatic
  • Extroverted
  • Socially-skilled
  • Sex is recreational
  • Makes eye contact
  • Secure, not prone to jealousy or envy
  • Says no far more often than he says yes


Beta Male: A beta, in contrast to an alpha, does not arouse females. Specific beta characteristics are as follows:
  • Place others (especially their "soul mate") as the point of reference
  • Seeks approval from others
  • Defers to others
  • Avoids risk and danger 
  • Passive
  • Unsure of themselves
  • Fits in
  • Avoids confrontation
  • Sloppy, unattractive look
  • Shy
  • Vulnerable
  • Pouts and engages in other passive-aggressive behaviors
  • Indecisive
  • "Shrinking" defensive body language
  • Mumbles a lot
  • Prone to emotional outbursts
  • Cannot accept criticism without taking it personally
  • Follows trends
  • Fidgety
  • Needy
  • Introverted
  • Uses guilt and shame to manipulate others
  • Sex is used to affirm her appreciation
  • Continually asks if everything is all right
  • Develops a great deal of resentment
  • Avoids eye contact
  • Insecure, paranoid
  • Incapable of saying no

Alpha is Variable


It's important to note there's a degree of individuality with my definitions. One dude may be an alpha (arousing) to one woman but may be a beta (not arousing) to another. Same behaviors, different interpretation. Generally, the higher the value of the female, the more "alpha" a man has to be to get the juices flowing. 

Also, a man's standing can change over the course of a relationship. If a dude starts as an alpha, the woman is going to attempt to change his behaviors to make him more suitable for long-term relationships. As a general rule, dudes tend to start of more alpha, then gravitate towards being more beta the longer they're in the relationship. This is one of the major reasons the quality and quantity of sex decreases after the honeymoon period - the dude just isn't arousing as he once was. His woman continuously assesses him using shit tests with the goal of assuring herself she really did select the highest value male she could land (aka "hypergamy.")

Conclusion


In this first section, I shared my operational definition of alpha and beta males. I also gave a brief explanation of how and why an alpha male may change over time with different women. In the next section, I'll discuss the life cycle of the beta male. What does the beta male experience as a teen? How about as a college student? A dude approaching middle age? For older betas, it'll be a trip down memory lane. For younger betas, it'll be foreshadowing of what they can expect down the road. 

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Sunday, April 12, 2015

Women, Explained: Part Eleven - Why Do Women Always Try to Change Men?



Part OnePart TwoPart ThreePart FourPart FivePart 6Part 7Part 8Part 9Part 10Part 11

Pretty much anyone with two eyes and a brain was witnessed female "taming" behaviors. You know, they start dating a bad boy and they do bad boy stuff like motorcycle rides along the coast and partying until 4am in Vegas. after a few months slowly start "domesticating him" with dates to a park for a nice picnic and trips to Bed, Bath, and Beyond or IKEA. 

This narrative is so ingrained in our psyche it's a common plot of romantic comedies, TV shows, and romance novels. Taylor Swift hit the nail on the head:

"I think every girl's dream is to find a bad boy at the right time, when he wants to not be bad anymore."

So What's Going On Here?


I've touched on this topic here and there throughout the series, so those who have read all of the posts can probably deduce the answer - women are physiologically-aroused by alpha males, which makes them "high value." The problem? Alpha males tend not to make great long-term relationship mates and co-parents. Because of the dual nature of hypergamy, women must either find an alpha that already has the beta "commitment" capacity (which is exceedingly rare thus requires a high-value women to land), choose a low-value beta that's a good provider but doesn't make her vagina tingly, or find an alpha that doesn't have the commitment chops and teach him how to be a good beta. 

Before the 1970's, most men fit this "alpha that has to learn to be domesticated" demographic. It's an oversimplification, but men acted like men. This has been changing. A lot. 


For a few decades, men have been taught that women really want a man that's "in touch with his feminine side." Men have interpreted this in a way that has caused us to vilify characteristics like assertiveness, confidence, independence, narcissism, and competitiveness in favor of passivity, deferring to females, consensus-building, and indecisiveness. Modern males are excessively worried about offending people, especially the fragile, delicate women in our lives. Modern men act more like women than men. 


And this is a complete and total turn-off to women. 

Before, because there was no shortage of alphas to convert, this was more or less standard operating procedure for women. Only the lowest value women would get stuck with the natural beta. Furthermore, since the alpha mindset was the male default, relationships became protracted struggles where the dude was exerting is alphaness while his wife was trying to tame his alphaness. While it seems like this conflict would be a bad thing, but it's not. It's this tension, this push and pull, that creates a natural flow between passion and intimacy. This is why the "taming" narrative is so popular - it resulted in great relationships. That's why grandma and grandpa were seemingly so happy for fifty years. Their naturally-occurring gender roles complimented each other. 

What Happens Now?


Today, many of the natural alphas have been socialized to believe women don't love alphas; women actually love betas. That's only partially right. Women love what betas can provide (one half of their hypergamy drive), but just aren't that turned on by them (the other half that craves the excitement of alphas.) In today's sexual marketplace, alphas are truly unicorns and there's a ridiculously huge surplus of beta males.

So how does this play out?

Kristen Bell gave an interesting quote that more or less sums this up. She said "All girls hit that phase where they like the bad boy. I grew out of that really young and I have a wonderful guy in my life who's not a bad boy at all. I like the satiric, consistent nice guy."

She perfectly summed up the modern female's sexual strategy that has evolved along with the changing landscape of available men. Women today delay marriage and opt for college and starting a career. During this time, they do not commit to one man. Instead, they play the field. Date around a bit. Maybe have a few one-night stands with alphas. At some point, women begin feeling the pressure of age and the cliched "biological clock." That leads women, usually in their late twenties, to begin searching for Mr. Right. Unfortunately, they find a market where all the natural alphas that are good at relationships have already been taken by high value females that were more... "romantically-focused." Worse, that second tier of alphas that suck at relationships that women would normally attempt to "tame"in the past, because there are so few today, have also been taken. What's left is a sea of betas. The woman will likely select and woo the best beta she can find without letting too much time pass, they get married, and they start a family.

Happily-ever after, right?

Not quite. Because she's not especially aroused by the beta AND there's no natural push and pull in the relationship that would normally be caused by his wildness and her attempts to tame the wildness, shit gets boring quickly. The couple probably had pretty hot and fairly frequent sex during the honeymoon phase (though the intensity probably pales compared to her experiences with the more arousing alphas in her younger years), but the weight of kids, career, and other domestic responsibilities quickly kills any passion. Because the dude identifies more with the feminine, he cannot be a source of her arousal. Both people now have no good reason to keep seducing each other, so they let themselves go. We essentially end up with a slew of relationships that turn into pairs of  overweight sexless lesbians. 

That situation almost always leads to really, really bad places. The couple falls into a pattern where sex is infrequent. When it occurs, it sucks. Men usually spend most of their waking lives trying to figure out how to resurrect the kinkier, sexier woman they married; women desperately want to feel that desire they maybe once felt. The dude gets resentful, the woman feels hurt. Communication sags and the couple enters a period of quiet desperation that doesn't end until one partner dies (probably to the relief of both), one or both partners seek out new blood, or they decide to just divorce. In most cases, neither person can really put their fingers on what exactly went wrong.

So Why Don't Women Teach Guys to be Alpha Like they Teach Guys to be Beta?


Logical question, right? This is where we defer to another lesson we learned earlier - if a woman has to explicitly ask for anything, it becomes worthless to her. A WOMAN CANNOT TEACH HER MAN HOW TO BE A MAN. Reread that. Now reread that again. That's the reason women give shit tests even after they've "landed" a man. They're continually testing his abilities as an alpha male. Could we somehow evolve as a species to the point where women could teach men to be alphas? I honestly don't know. Based on my current observations, I'm extremely pessimistic. 

The only logical solution to remedy this problem is to call on guys to make a change. Learn to be an alpha again. It's not nearly as difficult as most assume. Hell, if you're read the rest of the posts in this series and you have at least some awareness of human behavior, you can probably invent your own effective interventions to fix the problem. Interestingly, this is exactly what a few guys in my San Diego Man Camp have done. Predictably, they LOVE the results. It shouldn't come as a surprise, but their WIVES also love the results. 

Conclusion


So there's the solution. Women have spent millenia perfecting the art of taming the alpha. When that was our primary relationship model, shit went smoothly. Since we've changed that model radically, we need a new model. Unfortunately for us dudes, we cannot rely on women to be that instrument of change. Fixing betas, even though it would be in their best interest, defies their system that have in place to test a possible mate's "alphaness." This is a job for men.

Let's get to work, lads.

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Saturday, April 11, 2015

Women, Explained: Part Ten - Why Do Women Give So Many Mixed Signals?


Part OnePart TwoPart ThreePart FourPart FivePart 6Part 7Part 8Part 9, Part 10, Part 11

If you've been reading the entire series, this question probably doesn't require an answer. Yet it still pops up. A lot. Guys really have a hard time understanding why women seem to give so many mixed signals. Are they interested in me? Are they not interested in me? Why do they seem so hot and cold? Why do they say they want one thing (usually nice guys), but always go for the exact opposite (bad boys)? AND WHY DO THEY KEEP FRIEND-ZONING ME?!?

Slap-in-the-Face Answer


Here's the unfortunate truth guys don't want to hear. If a woman is giving you mixed signals, she's not into you. In other words, you are not the highest value male in her sights. If she's expressing some interest, you're being kept around to boost her ego, make other dudes jealous (and increase her own value), provide her with gifts or entertainment, or you're a not-very-desirable backup if all her better options fall flat.

Jason's Harsh Truth: If a woman is into you, YOU WILL KNOW IT! 

There is no ambiguity. There are no mixed signals. She will make her intentions blatantly obvious. When a woman is giving mixed signals, you're into her more than she's into you, and that's a really bad way to start a relationship.

Move on, man, move on.

Strippers and Hookers


"Hey Jason, I met this stripper that was like really into me. I've never had a woman that treated me like that... I think I may be in love."

"Did she charge you?"

"Well yeah, but she said I was the hottest guy she's met in months. She even invited me back for her next shift tomorrow night."

"Oy vey."




Good exotic dancers and prostitutes understand how to make themselves appealing to men, and it's a surprisingly simple behavior - they pretend to defer to men's alpha-ness. It's difficult to explain the behavior, but readily apparent when you see it. I'd describe it as a combination of wide-eyed admiration and adopting submissive body language.

And dudes fall for it every time. The reason makes sense if you recall the discussion on different "love" styles men and women use. Men desperately want to feel appreciated, and that "deferring to the alpha" behavior the good strippers and prostitutes use gives them exactly that. Their behaviors are unmistakable. There are no mixed signals. The same holds true for women that aren't getting paid for the attention.

Sidebar - ladies, if you really want to please your man (assuming he's been reading all these posts and made the decision to become more alpha), reward him with this "defer to your man's alpha" behavior used by the dancers. Every man in the history of forever LOVES this. Like seriously. This is like crack cocaine to us.

Just Friends First


A lot of guys ask me if it's better to be friends with a woman before dating, or if it's better to go with the "love at first sight" approach. While both can result in successful, fulfilling relationships, it can be useful to understand that "friends first" means you are not her first choice. You're good enough to meet her minimum criteria, but she's certain enough she can attract a better male she's willing to gamble losing you. She drops just enough teasers to keep you on the line, but she's going to leave you flopping in the surf as long as she possibly can. Is this a good foundation for a relationship? I don't think so, but c'est la vie

The Phenomenon of the Friend-zoned Husband


I've had a few male readers that play a "beta" role in their long-term relationship, which results in the predictable pattern of "hot sex at the beginning of the relationship, cools off after the first year or two, becomes mechanical and boring, eventually dries up to only a few times per year" sexual relationship with their wives. They've commented that their current marriage dynamics are remarkably similar to their dating experiences when they were friend-zoned. Basically the only affection they received from their wives came when they felt so pushed away they considered leaving or having an affair. They were miserable but their wives were tossing them just enough scraps to keep them on the hook. Their wives were selling them hope that things would get better. 

But it never does.

Unless the husband makes a change. 

This is an important point that often gets lost in these situations - women, because they cannot consciously will themselves to feel sexual desire, do not have the tools to fix this situation easily. The men, on the other hand, DO have the tools to improve the situation. And the tools are pretty easy to use. All the man has to do is become her alpha. 

When I give this advice, beta men seem to bristle. The idea of them asserting themselves and making decisions is usually terrifying because they make a logical assumption:

Me being assertive -> her getting angry -> me being cut off from the little bit in infrequent, mediocre sex I'm currently receiving.

The problem they fail to see is that their deferring to their wife or girlfriend is the reason they're getting infrequent, mediocre sex. 

Conclusion


Men, almost universally, have a difficult time interpreting female behavior. As men, we believe women give mixed signals. They don't. Women give very clear signals... we just don't like to admit that "mixed signals" means we're definitely NOT the highest value male on their radar. "Mixed signals" is, in reality, a manifestation of our unrealistic expectations. The solution is to skip the girls that aren't obviously into you. If you're not their highest priority, stop wasting time making them your highest priority. 


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Women, Explained: Part Nine - Advertising Sex Versus Maintenance Sex


Part OnePart TwoPart ThreePart FourPart FivePart 6Part 7Part 8Part 9Part 10Part 11

My original motivation to write No Bone Zone was the dearth of information regarding effective means of improving sex in the post-honeymoon phase of relationships. The decline in quality and quantity of sex is the single biggest complaint I hear from both men and women in long-term relationships, and the biggest reason has to do with a fundamental misunderstanding about the relationship between passion and intimacy. When a couple understands how that dynamic works and gets comfortable manipulating both, they gain the capability to produce both hot sex and tender intimacy at-will.

That capacity to generate passion at-will can be amplified even more if the couple understands and utilizes female hypergamy and desire, which is what leads female sexual desire to be the most useful tool in a woman's arsenal to attract and retain a mate. The easiest way for men to conceptualize this is to think of it like this: Women use two very general types of sex, "advertising sex" and "maintenance sex."

Advertising sex is wild, organic, uninhibited, sweaty, uncontrolled, intense, animalistic, and dirty. Both partners are totally into each other and the experience. It's fueled by a deep, uncontrollable passion. This is the kind of sex that makes you lose track of your surroundings, time, and even your sense of self. You get totally lost in the moment. Advertising sex is also involuntary; women cannot cue it up on demand. Men cannot request it, negotiate for it, beg or plead for it, or buy it with gifts or in exchange for chores. It's worth noting alpha male behavior is a powerful trigger for this involuntary response. Both men and women love advertising sex.

Maintenance sex is an entirely different animal. It comes from a place of obligation, not genuine desire. Maintenance sex can be warm and tender, but is less intense, often efficient, routine, and sometimes, kinda boring. Maintenance sex is often implicitly or explicitly negotiated. Women usually do it out of a sense of duty. Some examples might be a weekly scheduled romp while the kids are napping, a quickie before work, or a drunken fuck after the company Christmas party. While maintenance sex can be and is enjoyable for both parties, it gets old quickly if it's not mixed with the occasional advertising sex. 


Most long-term relationships follow a predictable pattern. The first few sexual experiences are a combination of hot passion mixed with a little clumsiness, then we settle into a groove of crazy-hot sex for anywhere from three to about twenty-four months. That's the advertising sex. From an evolutionary standpoint, it serves the dual purpose of attracting the male and producing a baby. 

After the hormonally-driven electrochemical neurotransmitter cocktail advertising sex of the honeymoon period, we fall into a pattern where oxytocin-fueled bonding occurs. The closeness of intimacy, which is necessary to keep the couple together to raise the aforementioned baby, defines the remainder of the relationship. And maintenance sex takes over. 

A handful of couples naturally seem to understand how to cycle passion and intimacy, thus never lose access to that occasional "advertising" sex. Not surprisingly, these couples also report their relationships as fulfilling and happy. In almost every case, these relationships feature relatively traditional gender roles, which makes sense. The male's alpha characteristics are what continually rekindle that advertising sex drive in the women, which leads to the occasional hot, passionate sex.


The rest of us, in all likelihood, fall into the beta male trap of believing that women are aroused by adulation and attention. We put women on a pedestal, give in to their every whim, and hope and pray they repay us with sex. And they often do. Since it's done out of a sense of duty, responsibility, obligation, or reciprocity, it lacks that carnal edge of advertising sex. This is the reason behind the "disappearing blowjob" trick married guys talk about frequently.

"My wife used to blow me all the time. I'd never have to ask, she just did it. Now? She treats my cock like it's a rattlesnake."

She used to give out frequent BJ's because she was driven by a powerful genuine sexual desire that made her a lot less inhibited. Later in the relationship? In the absence of that desire, blowjobs become just another chore to despise. 

[note - some women actually love oral. This is a fetish; giving oral excites her. These girls aren't going down on guys to please the guy; they're going down on guys to please themselves. And yes, these girls are as rare as unicorns.]

In the past, I've written that women love sex just as much if not more than men. There's an important qualifier for this statement, however. Men's sex drive is pretty simple; it doesn't take much for us to get in the mood. We can cue up our animalistic sex drive at will, usually in response to a woman's "advertising sex." Women can't do that. Women require that desire to be drawn out. In fact, that's why there's so much interest in a "female Viagra." Women in long-term relationships desperately want to want their husbands and boyfriends, but they have no idea how to make that happen. A pill would solve that mystery. 

So What Is The Mystery?

How do you make a woman want to have enthusiastic sex with you? I had been trying to solve that mystery pretty much since I started having sex. I've easily spend thousands of hours researching the topic. During that time, I've tried countless things including:

  • Buying flowers, candies, jewelry, etc.
  • Complimenting
  • Begging
  • Negotiating chores
  • Planning and executing grand romantic gestures
  • Romantic get-aways
  • Soft-core porn
  • Hard-core porn
  • Strip clubs
  • Improving my sexual techniques
  • Spending time together
  • Cuddling
  • Massage, erotic and otherwise
  • Inclusion of sex toys
  • Role-playing
  • And finally - I just asked them what turned them on.
Sometimes some of the ideas worked, but not with enough regularity to cause an "Ah ha! THIS is the answer I was searching for!" revelation. Asking women what turned them on seemed even more fruitless. The answers I received were all over the place, including many of the items from my list. Some even gave a stupidly-vague answer - they were turned on by a man that didn't have to ask what turned women on.

If you've read the entire Women, Explained series, you know that stupidly-vague answer was spot-on. The ability to ignore what a woman says and understand what she needs based on nonverbal communication is THE single most valuable alpha trait a guy can possess. It means that guy is confident, assertive, decisive, and understands the intricate nuances of human behavior. Remember, if a woman has to ask for something, it is worthless to her. Alphas don't have to ask; alphas know. And that makes them valuable. And it's insanely sexually-arousing for women. 

So why don't all women just tell us this? 

Because this is a test. 

Remember, hypergamy is all about attracting the highest value male possible. As such, women needed to evolve methods to assess the value of a male. Overt methods don't work because the dude can simply lie. The answer is for women to have developed covert methods. I'll talk about these tests in detail in the next post. For now, just know this:

Women use advertising sex to secure the best alpha they can secure.  

It's important to note even betas get this advertising sex in the beginning, because it's used to draw men in. However, the strength of the response increases as a function of "alpha-ness." This explains the "my wife did what in college?!?" scenario. This happens when a beta male marries a woman, they start the relationship with decently passionate advertising sex, then the intensity wears off until they're left with maintenance sex. The beta husband, usually through ex-boyfriends or his wife's friends, hears stories about her wild younger days when she did FAR kinkier things with other men than she ever did with him. Guys tend to get angry at that. After all, shouldn't she have saved her best sex performances for her soul mate?

The guy fails to realize her sexual desire isn't stoked by her lifelong commitment to his passive-but-dedicated beta self. Her sexual desire was stoked by the hot, assertive men from her past. Instead of getting bitter and resentful, the beta husband should rejoice. Why? Because of hypergamy.

Hacking Ovulation for Hot Sex


Per the rule of hypergamy, a woman is going to seek out the highest value mate she can, and that value is measured by genetic superiority (craving alphas) and the need for security (craving betas.) Since alpha and beta characteristics tend to be mutually-exclusive, men that possess and can use both are extremely rare (and valuable.) The other operative characteristic of hypergamy is persistence. Hypergamy doesn't get shut off when a ring slides on her finger. Women will continue to measure the man (or men) in her life after they've made a commitment. For men, that means we never get a break from qualifying for a woman's love. That sucks. However, it also means it's really easy for a beta to learn to be an alpha situationally to get hot sex along with the standard maintenance sex.

How?

It starts with understanding ovulation. When women are about to ovulate, they get horny. More specifically, they get horny for alphas. They get more flirty, dress more provocatively, walk and talk in a way that oozes sexiness, and their body actually shows symptoms of mild arousal (like flushed cheeks, dilated pupils, etc.) It's subtle, but men can detect this subconsciously. If you've ever found yourself drawn to a woman you're not normally interested in and you have no explanation, this is probably what's happening. The evolutionary purpose of this is for the woman to get some alpha sperm to make alpha babies. Again, it's important to note this effect does not go away after a woman commits to a man. 

Anyway, during the luteal phase of a woman's menstrual cycle, she's more attracted to betas. From an evolutionary perspective, this encourages bonding with her mate... which may or may not be the same man that stimulates her ovulatory love of alphas. It should go without saying, but this sex inspires closeness and intimacy and is of the maintenance variety. During the luteal phase, a woman may get aroused by a very high value alpha, but it's far less intense than during ovulation.

For dudes, it's pretty easy to hack this system by adopting alpha characteristics near ovulation to feed that advertising sex drive, then revert back to beta characteristics afterward. Hot sex near ovulation, then cuddly sex in between. Wash, rinse, repeat.

In fact, this can actually make a good test to see if your wife or girlfriend sees you as her alpha. When she's ovulating, does she initiate sex? That's a really good sign. If not, is she into it if you initiate (more aroused than when she's not ovulating)? That's a pretty good sign. Does she ignore you and plan a girls' night out? That's a really bad sign.

This isn't the only hack that can be used. The passion and intimacy post I liked to at the beginning of this post explains how a couple can alternate between the two states to create the same effect, but it relies on a little more insidious purpose of the advertising sex arousal. You see, women also use advertising sex to ward off competitors. If a woman senses another woman may be attempting to poach her man, OR she may fear the relationship is in trouble (this is the basis of make-up sex), that triggers the same advertising sex drive. 

No Bone Zone is filled with strategies to accomplish this, most of which use the principle of distance and/or sexual jealousy. For example, don't speak to each other for 24 hours. Or have one person sleep on the couch. That distance can be enough to stoke that desire in the woman. If that's not enough, a couple can experiment with things like flirting with others, dancing with others, or dabble in social sexuality (aka - swinging.) 

All of it works on the same principle - that intense "advertising sex" desire can be elicited when the woman perceives relationship trouble. Here's the weird thing - this response is involuntary AND still happens even if the woman is fully aware the situation is being fabricated. The woman can actually initiate it ("Hey honey, go flirt with that girl over there") and she will still be just as aroused as she would be if she wasn't initiating. This is the mechanism at work when swingers say they swing not just to have sex with other people, but because it dramatically enhances the passion of the sex with their partner. 

Conclusion


Women have different sexual responses based on the individual involved and the situation. Those sexual responses can be classified as "advertising sex" and "maintenance sex" as each one serves a purpose. Both men and women love advertising sex, but neither sex is especially good at recognizing the true cause of that desire. Learning what causes it allows us to learn to be able to initiate it at will, which immediately transforms a boring or nonexistent sex life into an occasionally wild but deeply fulfilling experience that enhances relationships.


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