Saturday, November 24, 2012

Threesomes: How Do You Ask?

I received a question on my post about convincing your partner to be more sexually adventurous that deserved a whole new post. The reader has a male friend that is interested in having a MMF (two males, one female) threesome with his wife. He asked; she wasn't interested. Both had limited sexual partners prior to marriage.

This one took awhile because I had to do a ton of research to give the best possible answer.

The friend has already asked his wife, but I'm going to backpedal a bit before answering. Let's pretend he hadn't asked her yet. 

Assessing the Variables


We'll start at the beginning- societal expectations. While this is a fairly common fantasy among men, our society has a pretty negative view of this particular flavor of swinging. While societal norms should never inhibit your sexual expression (as long as that expression is consensual, respectful of the participants, and safe), it will influence your partner's perceptions of the activity. This type of activity requires the participants to fully recognize sexual activity as a form of recreation, which is more difficult than it seems.

 Second, consider why you have this fantasy. Is it because you enjoy seeing your partner receive pleasure? Do you enjoy the role as a voyeur? Are you hoping it leads to further adventures where you can have sex with someone else? Is this an attempt to spice up a boring sex life? Is the relationship in trouble and this is an attempt to repair it?

The first reason is probably the best rationale, followed by the second. If you want this to happen for any other reason, you probably shouldn't do it. An activity that involves other people has a high potential for unexpected negative outcomes, and a healthy relationship with excellent, open communication is absolutely necessary. I'll talk about this in more detail later.

Second, it's a good idea to assess if this is really a fantasy you want to live. There are a myriad of problems that may occur, starting with unexpected jealousy. 

Jealousy is an emotion that's a lot like grief after someone close to you dies- you can't imagine exactly how it feels until you experience it. In the fantasies, your perception of jealousy is either going to be absent or greatly minimized. There are ways to accurately assess your jealousy before you recruit some dude to bone your wife. That starts by considering all the possible negative outcomes:
  • What if the other guy is really good? Could you handle your wife getting pleasure from a more skilled lover?
  • What if your wife falls in love with the other dude and leaves you? We're biologically designed to create a connection when having sex, which is the reason open, honest communication with her is necessary.
  • What if the other dude has an STD or your wife gets pregnant? Picking a clean partner and practicing safe sex are obvious solutions, but it's something to consider.
  • What if your wife wants out after it starts? How would you tactfully call it off?
  • What if the dude immediately starts telling people about the activity? Could you handle your friends, relatives, and coworkers knowing?
  • If it turns out to be a negative experience, how will it affect your relationship? If one of you hates it and the other loves it, then what?
Other issues to consider are self-esteem. How would this activity make you feel about yourself? How would it make your partner feel about herself? 

Also consider the reoccurring problems you have in your relationship. Will this make the problems worse?

How Do You Ask?


Okay, let's assume you considered all those factors. How do you go about asking your wife?  I wouldn't recommend just asking out of the blue. I would recommend discussing it in the context of a conversation about both of your sexual needs and desires. 

Oddly, most couples have a lot of problems discussing their sex life, especially if it involves adventurous activities. A sharing activity can be a good method to get the dialogue rolling. Each of you get a piece of paper. Write three sexual or intimate activities you'd like to try. Exchange the papers. Take turns explaining each item on the list, including why you'd like to try it. Each person can cross one thing off their partner's list, but agrees to try the other two at least once. Have a conversation about the rejected activity. Why is this the one they chose? Don't judge (or pout), but really listen to each other. Empathize with their feelings.

Do this activity about every month or so. After a few months, your sexual communication should increase dramatically. You will begin to fully understand why each of you has inhibitions about various activities. You will also begin to be more adventurous. Once you feel dialogue is excellent, come back to the idea. The key is to understand why she wasn't interested.

I would recommend starting somewhere besides "I want to see another dude fuck you." A good starting point may be watching some MMF porn. Afterward, talk about what you saw. How would you feel if you were two of the actors in the film? What turns you on about the idea? What turns you off?

You could also take it in steps. Go dancing. Let your wife dance with another guy. Later, talk about how it made both of you feel. If it was positive, gradually move to more adventurous activities- maybe some touching and kissing. The idea is to test the waters slowly, then have an open, honest discussion about your feelings after each step.

If she still resists after these steps, let the fantasy go. There are other possibilities, such as talking about the fantasy as foreplay or using a male blow-up doll together.

What if She Says Yes?

So you went through the steps outlined above. You ask her again. This time she says yes. Yipee!

Now what?

Hopefully you've discussed the possible pitfalls of doing this. If not, do that first. Let her discuss her worries; you do the same. Affirm your love for each other.

So... now you plan. The first decision would be the third person. Who do you choose? Should it be someone you know? A casual acquaintance? A close friend? A complete stranger?

All options have pros and cons. The decision should be based on mutual comfort... what would make both of you the most comfortable?

Next consider how to ask him. If it's a friend or acquaintance, I'd recommend asking during a conversation about kinky sex. If it's a stranger, there's a pretty good chance just having the opportunity to have sex will suffice.

The logistics of the act need to be taken into consideration. 
  • Where will it occur? If it's a stranger, your home may not be a great option. 
  • How will it start? Drinks at a bar first? Dinner? Just meet at a random hotel? 
  • What happens during? What role will you play? Will you just watch? Will you be actively involved? Will you be touching the other guy? If that's on the table, make sure he understands that and is comfortable with the idea before starting. 
  • What about afterward? If it's your first time, it's probably a good idea to have the guy leave soon so you can talk with your wife. Affirm your love, cuddle, and discuss your feelings honestly. Was it positive? Negative? What felt right or wrong? Would you consider this again and what would you do differently. Talk about feelings, especially jealousy and regret.
  • If the other person were a friend, talk to them later. How do they feel about the experience? 

Where do We go from Here?


Afterward, it's important to discuss where you go from this point. If both of you had a good experience and feel this activity enhances your relationship, consider doing it again. If it seems to have too many negatives, it may be best to avoid it in the future.

If it was enjoyable, be careful about doing it too often. This advice could be used for any sexual activity. Repeating the same thing too often will result in a learned response, which I discussed in this post. You don't want to create a situation where a MMF threesome is the only way you get excited. Variety is a good thing; don't be a sexual one trick pony.

What are your thoughts? My response is based mostly on research and previous knowledge about human nature. I'd love to get comments from people that have actually had a threesome. Is this information accurate or am I totally off-base?

Remember, you can comment anonymously. Also feel free to contact me if you're not comfortable commenting on a public forum.

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6 comments:

  1. I (a woman, divorced with children) did this. I was already divorced and in a fairly new relationship. We talked about this. Fantasized about it. Then decided we'd do it. We discussed a few "rules" and decided to find a couple first.

    The woman from the other couple became extremely upset and jealous. My (then) boyfriend could not perform as well (for as long, nor could he recover and go again and again) as the male from the other couple. I thoroughly enjoyed myself. My boyfriend was irate and angry for days. Needless to say, this did not help our relationship.

    He got over it. Decided to try it again, with just one male, not a couple. It was better, but the new rule that he presented is that the male we chose could not be as hung. Bummer.

    We did this again and again. (Maybe 2 or 3 other times, nothing TOO crazy.) And then I wanted to do it more often than he did. I enjoyed the aspect of fairly anonymous purely physical consensual safe, planned sex with multiple partners. When he asked that we stop, I started seeking out opportunities on my own. Behind his back. Whenever I could. The guy from our first experience often joined me with other men or couples.

    I became pretty detached from the emotional bond sex is supposed to provide. Needless to say my relationship ended and I proceeded to partake in casual sex with multiple partners for about a year or so. No emotional attachment. No obligation. To the point when people would want to take me out, it would piss me off.

    I am now in a monogamous secure relationship. I cannot imagine going back to that. While I enjoyed it and do not regret it, it's so toxic and dangerous in so many aspects. THAT is for another blog post.

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    1. Well, been there, done that.

      Me and my wife can relate to what you're saying, although we're together and haven't had the same problems in the long run. However we do remember me being jealous the first couple of times. The other guys were really fit, with chiseled six packs and also quite hung, 8 inches, quite thick and had the ability to go for really long and multiple times as your first guy. I felt outperformed both in terms of attractiveness and stamina. Also it didn't help that he (the first) was circumcised, something I knew my wife liked quite a lot. She got about 5-10 orgasms with this guy during intercourse, which was more than I had ever given her, so it was pretty clear that it was technically one of her best sexual evenings.

      I think the worst thing to witness that first evening was how this guy transformed her to the ultimate vessel of naughtiness and being allowed to do things that the two of us hadn't even done ourselves. For example, she had never been patient enough to try anal sex with me and had always been complaining it hurt too much to continue to the point we just stopped before any real penetration took place, now she suddenly had all the time in the world to let a guy that had an even longer and thicker unit enter her anally. At last she did a couple of things without that other guy even asking. Up until now, she had been considering "deep throat" and "facial" degrading to women, but that didn't stop her from taking his full length down her throat despite her having challenges with it. Finally she submitted herself for a facial, sitting on her knees jacking this guy off in front of her face while her eyes met his as he shot multiple heavy spurts over her face, hair and breasts. It was like a freakin' porn movie, except that the actress was my wife!

      I think it was the last part that made my stomach cringe the first time. I can handle a guy being more attractive, more hung and even more skilled, but the fact that a guy who we had known for just a week or so could bring out her inner animal to the point of suddenly accepting anal sex, deep throat and letting him plaster her face at the end ruined it for me. I admit being mad to her after because of this as she knew that especially a facial had been a fantasy for me for a long time. I never pushed any of this as she felt it as degrading and it was has hard to see another dude doing it.

      Eventually we talked it over and decided to actually have some ground rules. Now, she's agreed to not do anything to anyone else that she's not doing to me, i.e. no facials, deep throat or anal for the other guys no matter how hard they turn her on. Also we have a rule about her picking several candidates, then me picking the participants in order to not feel completely "overruled". This has actually worked quite well, as she can still find partners she's attracted to while I have the chance to rule out guys who I'll think take it too far or just being too dominant.

      I on the other hand have had to improve my self conscience and realize that the key to handling attractive guys with good stamina is not to whine about it, but to improve myself along the way. I've really gotten into fitness, have much better health and have improved my looks. She compliments me all the time, so it's a positive feedback loop, and she's supportive and helps me out with exercise routines and with sticking to diets. This summer the goal has been ripped abs and a very toned appearance and I never would have made it without my wife keeping me away from carbs and junk food.

      As for performance we're doing start and stop exercises as well as kegels to help me last longer and to get it up sooner after the first time. I've also become circumcised.

      So in the end, we've become closer than ever, _because_ of having mmf's on a regular basis. It was a rough start but has brought us closer together

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  2. This is really good advice and consistent with my experience.

    My wife and I have had a threesome a few times with a good friend whose wife had lost interest in sex. We warmed up to it slowly and moved in the direction of intimacy in stages. At each stage we discussed how we were feeling about things and whether it all felt OK. I seemed to have been born without the jealousy gene and the thought of watching her get pleasure really turns me on. It also takes the pressure off me to be the sole performer. I like watching and being watched so there's both a voyeur and an exhibitionist side to this. She was getting bored with our sex life after 20+ years and this was a great way for her to feel attracted and attractive. Finally, it was fabulous for our friend who loves his wife but had no other sexual outlet other than doing it by himself without other people.

    First it started with nude sunbathing and hot tubs with our friend, and the sexual tension grew naturally from that. Then he did some foot massages which led to full massages naked. Gradually, wife let him touch and massage her wherever he wanted including her breasts, bum and labia so we were clearly getting into sexual territory. One time when he was giving her a back massage he started rubbing himself on her bum crack which led to him getting hard. This turned me on too so we both jerked off in front of each other with my wife there and it all felt fine and was fun and different - in some ways, it wasn't a big deal. The next time, my wife jerked off too and we all orgasms together. We did the massage and jerking off thing numerous times before we went any further.

    It was all fun, felt natural and we could joke about it afterwards with each other. We've all had showers together but he and I are careful not to touch. We are both straight guys but seem to have become comfortable getting hard and having orgasms in front of each other. It doesn't feel gay or bi to us, just open and relaxed - not a big deal.

    One time when it was just the two of us I told my wife that next time we were together with him, she should let him go down on her as he would likely be pretty good at oral sex. So the next time he was doing a massage, she suggested that and it was great. He went down on her, everybody had big orgasms jerking off, and it was one more step in the journey. Finally, after him going down on her another time, she told him to "lube up and put it in". He was incredibly excited and it was very hot for me watching them do it and seeing them climax together. After they came, I put it in her too and loved the hot wetness and came myself. Afterwards, we all checked in with each other, laughed a lot, discussed what had happened and felt good about everything. We have since done it a few more times but not regularly. Each time, it's quite hot and enjoyable. We have a nice closeness between the three of us which is not threatening to anybody

    Here's some considerations: My wife did have to sort out her feelings about "cheating" on his wife who is also a good friend of hers. She reconciled this for herself by reasoning that if it wasn't for us, he might have sought another sexual outlet which could lead to the end of their marriage. So, by one logic, we were saving their relationship and being helpful - not destructive. Another factor is that he and I have been very careful to give her control and decision making over what happens, how much and when. He loves his wife a lot and is committed to staying with her and apart from the lack of sex, their marriage is quite good. Finally, I think this works for us because my wife is committed to me and this shared experience has even made us even closer. It takes an incredible amount of trust to go down this path.

    All in all, it has been great and we seem to have avoided the numerous pitfalls that could have tripped us up. My advice is to have the right motives, communicate a lot, lose your ego, and have fun. I hope my experience is useful to someone.

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  3. My wife and I had talked about having a threesome after we had watched a couple of the "reality" shows: Sister Wives" and one other. I specifically said I didn't see how the husband on "Sister Wives" could keep up with that many women. We then talked about how it would be easier for a woman to fulfill the desires of multiple men.
    My wife especially thought it would be very exciting to have two men make love to her. She imagined that the sensations of two men kissing her, caressing her body, and physically making love to her would be something she would really like to feel.
    It made it easier for me because of health issues, I have a problem keep hard during intercourse. So after talking about her pleasure, we decided that we would at least try to see if we wanted to go "all the way" with this idea.
    We used one of the swinger websites to look for men that would be open to helping a couple looking to have a MFM threesome.
    After joining the website we completed the profile about what we wanted, posted a few pictures and started receiving responses. It was easy to discard ones that she didn't find attractive or interesting. We found a gentleman that was 10 years younger than us that had done this before and had a number of recommendations.
    We met him for drinks at a hotel bar and proceeded from there. After our discussion at the bar we moved our meeting to his home where he was a most gracious host.
    After a few more drinks, some dancing, both he and I started to kiss and caress my wife. She seemed to enjoy the kissing and soon we were naked and on the king sized bed that he had set up in his rec room.
    My wife loved it when he went down and began kissing and licking her pussy. While he did that she took me into her mouth and gave me the best blowjob I have ever experienced. after he had given her at least one orgasm orally, he inserted his cock into her pussy, and I must admit, it was the most sexually exciting thing I have ever seen, watching his large, hard cock enter her. She probably had three or four more orgasms as he slowly pumped in and out of her.
    While he was slowly fucking her, I continued to kiss her lips and breasts. She was in ecstasy. When he shot his load, we switched places, he continued to kiss her as I was able to take my now hard cock and insert it in her pussy. Needless to say it didn't take me long to shoot my load.
    We both enjoyed our evening, we said goodbye to our new friend, and we have had no regrets about what we did that night. We talk about it often, and nows it sounds like we will be doing it again this summer.

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  4. please, how you get to find partners?

    ReplyDelete