Valentine's Day: Pffft!

Valentine's Day always pissed me off. No, it's not the flood of red and pink that invades storefronts. No, it's not the mushy greeting cards. No, it's not the crappy-ass chocolate wrapped in cardboard hearts. 

Valentine's Day pisses me off because it's a day set aside to show your love and affection to your significant other.

What's wrong with that?

Why do we insist on displaying more love and affection on a predetermined day? If we were really concerned about relaying our feelings, why wouldn't we do this every day?

Of course, some people will defend the holiday. They'll talk about liking being pampered, getting the extra attention. However, this reliance on a holiday to get what you need from a relationship is problematic. If a person needs more love and affection, why don't they just ask for it?

We all have needs. We have to feel comfortable asking our partner to fulfill those needs. We shouldn't rely on a holiday to meet those needs.

What are your thoughts? Do you celebrate Valentine's Day? Why is it different than any other day? Share your thoughts in the comments section!

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America: We Hate Nudity and Love Violence

Ever notice this trend? Many parents have little or no problem exposing their children to violence via video games, TV, moves... whatever. The same parents also flip out if their kids see a nipple. 

What the fuck is up with that?

[For the record, I don't care if my kids view violence or nudity... Shelly and I take it as an opportunity to explain context, the difference between fantasy and reality, etc.]

Anyway, why exactly DO we "protect" kids from nudity? To the best of my knowledge, there are no controlled experimental studies that suggest exposing kids to nudity has any negative effects. In fact, I would suggest teaching children to feel shameful of nudity is definitely harmful. Think how much better our society would be if more of us could shed the shame and guilt we feel about our bodies?

Shelly and I go to great lengths to expose our kids to things they need to know as adults, which includes fielding any questions that arise. Sometimes we're nude in front of our children. It's not a big issue.

As far as I can tell, our anti-nudity obsession is a direct result of Puritanical religious beliefs that have been generalized to the entire population. 

Bastards. 

Wouldn't it make more sense to teach kids to celebrate their bodies? Teach them that the human body is a beautiful thing, no matter the shape or size? Wouldn't this be a more healthy approach? Couldn't we use nudity as a teaching tool... sort of like what we should be doing with violence?

Ah, America and our mixed-up priorities.

What do you think? Are we too protective? For those parents that actively shield their kids from nudity, what is your rationale? Leave a comment!

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Why is Confidence Hot? A Discussion on the Need for External Validation

Ever notice confidence makes people appear much more attractive?

Why?

Most of it comes down to our hatred of neediness. We don't like needy people because they require constant attention. They have little or no ability to provide their own validations. It's exhausting to constantly answer "Am I pretty" or "Do you really love me" questions.

There may be a subset of people that DO like neediness, but they're simply meeting their own need to be needed. In that case, it may be a workable symbiotic relationship. For the rest of us, we despise neediness.

Quite possibly the best thing we can do to make ourselves more attraction is to boost our self-confidence by eliminating the need for external validation. Get to a point where we can give ourselves all the validation you need.

The idea of being more confident will help you whether we're single or in a relationship. Confident single people get action. Confident "taken" people have better relationships. In either case, it will improve our lives.

Here's a few tactics to teach yourself to be more confident:

• Don't complain. Nobody likes a whiny bitch.
• Self-analyze. Spend a few minutes every day asking why we do what we do. If we're brutally honest, we'll admit when we did something to impress others or elicit validation. Consciously stop those behaviors.
• Crush your fears by embracing the uncomfortable. Put ourselves in a position to do things that make us uncomfortable on a regular basis. This is the idea of BRUcrew.
• Assume rapport with strangers. When we meet someone new, a simple trick to avoiding the awkwardness is to assume they're an old friend.
• Don't be a perfectionist. Perfection is a way self-handicap. We beat ourselves up when we can't reach an imaginary level of proficiency, and it affects our self-confidence. Learn to be okay with "good enough."
• Believe you can do anything. Having 100% confidence our abilities is a powerful method to project confidence. This takes considerable practice, but will allow us to achieve far more than we think is possible.
• Use confident body language. Stand up straight. Look people in the eye. Use hand gestures. Talk with authority. Don't mope.
• Always learn. Lifelong learning keeps you mentally sharp. Smart is confident.
• Celebrate your strengths; ignore your weaknesses. We all have things about our bodies or personalities we don't like. Fuck 'em. People notice what you put on display. Accentuate your strengths.
• Don't be offended. Ever. People that are easily offended are reflecting their own insecurity. They need to feel like they're right. When confronted with contradictory information, they either evaluate their own belief or disregard the source of the information. Being offended is one such method. The solution- be okay with people having different values, beliefs, and behaviors. In other words, don't judge. Practice unconditional love.
• Focus on the successes, learn form failures. Then forget them. This is sort of like accentuating our strengths. If we focus on our failures, we'll feel a lot less confident. We should definitely learn from our failures, but also learn to forget them.
• Learn to take a compliment. Nothing says "I'm not confident' like responding to a genuine confident with a depreciating statement. If someone says "Damn, you're hot!" respond with a polite "Thank you, I appreciate the compliment."
• Learn to fake it. If any of these previous suggestions are too difficult, just fake it until you can actually do it. I learned this tip from my friend Christian- if you're not awesome, fake it until you are. 

 All of us have the power to be more confident. Like any skill, it takes practice. The more we eliminate the need for external validation, the more confident we become. The more confident we become, the more attractive we appear. Give it a shot. The benefits are well worth the effort. ;-)

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The Contrast Effect: An Easy Way to Become More Attractive

As a society, we spend countless dollars (somewhere in the ballpark of several hundred billion dollars) on products to make us more attractive. Cosmetics, dental work, plastic surgery, fancy clothing, perfume and cologne... the list goes on and on.

Why?

Attractive people are treated better.

We all know this, even though it is difficult to admit. Beautiful people have it easier. They make more money, get more perks, and are considered to be more friendly, empathic, outgoing... whatever. It's known as the halo effect.

It's easy to justify our expenditure on products to make us more attractive because it actually works. There's a solid return on investment. 

There's a flaw in our thought processes, though. We assume we're always being compared to some preset cultural standard of beauty... like the pictures we see on the cover of magazines in the checkout line at the grocery store. 

But we're not.

We're compared to the people around us. It's known as the contrast effect. If you are in a group of five people, everyone will rate your attractiveness based on the attractiveness of the other four. How exactly does this work?

Let's assume you're a solid "7" on a 1-10 scale. You're hanging out with another seven, a five, and 2 fours. The presence of the five and 2 fours will make you and the other seven appear more attractive... maybe like nines. People will treat you accordingly.

The idea can be turned around. Let's say you're a six and you're hanging out with a bunch of eights and nines. You'll be perceived even lower than you would if you were alone... maybe a four.

You don't even have to be in the presence of others for this effect to work. If you enter a room after someone more attractive enters, you'll be perceived as being less attractive. If you enter after someone less attractive, you'll be considered more attractive. It's a concept called priming.

So what's the lesson from this post? 

If you want to seem more attractive, it can be as simple as being in the presence of less attractive people. Or entering a room after a less attractive person. It may seem like an exceptionally shallow concept, but it's how we operate. Knowledge is power. 

Give it a shot. Notice how people treat you when you're in the presence of more attractive and less attractive people. Post your experiences in the comments section!

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Thoughts on Therapy

A few days ago I received a comment requesting my thoughts on therapy. I frequently recommend people seek the help of a therapist, but never really do into detail beyond that. Having relationship problems? Odds are good those problems are a function of your own problems. Fix those problems before tackling relationship issues.

The Importance of Therapy

Mental health interventions can be invaluable to improving quality of life. As much as we would like to believe we have a firm grasp on our own thoughts and behaviors, we're more or less blinded by the biases inherent in our frame of reference. It's sort of like a fish not recognizing it's in water because it's the only frame of reference it's ever experienced. 

People around us, like friends and family, can provide a different frame of reference, but their perspective is often flawed by their own self-interest. They may offer advice, but it will likely be skewed because they will always keep their interests in mind.

A good therapist will provide that unbiased frame of reference that will help you see yourself in a different light. They train extensively to observe, understand, interpret, and offer opportunities to change your thoughts and behaviors in an unbiased manner. 

When confronted with unpleasantnesses about ourselves, we tend to get defensive and do what we can to avoid admitting our faults. If our friends are pointing this out, we'll make excuses, deflect, or employ some other strategy to evade actually changing.

Good therapists recognize that pattern. They call us out on our bullshit.They're not fooled by the facades we build. That ability is what makes a good therapist invaluable. We can't fix what we don't acknowledge, and they guide us toward acknowledgment.

What is a "Good" Therapist?

Therapy comes in many different flavors based on the theoretical framework the therapist studied. Like anything else, a therapist from one school will insist their approach is best. The problem is different types of therapy work better for certain types of people or certain problems. In short, we're all individuals with different needs, so our therapy needs will vary. There's no "one size fits all" solution.

The key is to find a therapist that will actually help, which may take some time. Good therapists will be completely honest about their abilities and will be more than happy to set up an initial consultation to assess the situation. If they think they can help, they will. If not, they can refer us to someone that can.

Understanding the basics of the major schools may help narrow that initial search. These are the major categories. Note I'm really generalizing these schools of thought. Many specific therapies would fit under one or even more of these general umbrellas. 

Psychodynamic school: This is the stereotypical "therapy." Couches. Taking about your childhood. A therapist silently nodding on occasion while taking notes. Remember the show "Frasier?" He was a psychoanalytic therapist based on the theories of Sigmund Freud. His brother Niles was a psychdynamic therapist based on the somewhat related theories of Carl Jung.

This therapy is effective at helping people understand the connection between past experiences and current thoughts and behaviors. Once these connections are understood, changes could be made to make positive improvements.

I was very skeptical of this method until actually going through it. I can credit much of the progress I've made in improving my life to this approach. 

The negative- this approach takes time. As such, it can be expensive. Insurance may not cover this therapy in its entirety, but most psychdynamic therapists have adapted to that limitation.

Humanistic school: The humanistic school is based on a simple idea: Humans are fundamentally good. Bad behaviors are a function of bad choices. Humanistic therapists teach personal responsibility and decision-making skills to help people reach their full potential, usually utilizing our motivations to meet our own survival and social needs.

This is an overwhelmingly positive approach to therapy. It emphasizes the idea that we have free will, and we can learn to use choices to maximize our potential. One of the hallmarks of the humanistic school is the tendency to resist diagnosing "problems." The other schools usually identify a problem, name it, then work to fix it. The humanistic folks empower us to improve. 

This specific school is also known fr the tendency to look at the human potential to always grow. As such, humanistic therapy would be appropriate for anyone, not just those experiencing problems. 

I actually utilize many of the tenants of humanistic psychology in everyday life, namely the idea that we always have the capacity to grow and learn. Furthermore, we have the capacity to help those around us [spouse, kids, family, friends, blog readers :-)] continually grow and learn. It's a major motivation to continue doing what I do.

Cognititve-behavioral school: The cognitive-behavioral school is an umbrella term that covers A LOT of different methodologies. Back to Frasier- remember his life Lillith? She was a behavioral experimental psychologist. As an experimental psychology student, I trained under a bunch of behaviorists. 

The cognitive-behavioral approach is heavily rooted in fixing problems. If you have a specific problem, these therapists will create a strategy to fix the problem. There's little concern for the past or underlying causes of the problem, they focus on solutions.

This type of therapy is especially effective for specific problems that may be holding a person back, like phobias or negative thoughts about a certain issue.

Potpourri: Okay, this school isn't really called "potpourri." It's usually called something like "eclectic" therapy. It's essentially a hybrid between different schools. Each of the above has distinct advantages and disadvantages. a therapist that can utilize all methods can be extremely effective.One specific method may be effective for some issues but not all.

I'll use myself as an example. After about six months of therapy with my psychodynamic therapist, we had pretty much solved all the relevant problems related to my earlier years. The last two months or so were mostly done in conjunction with Shelly and her psychodynamic-based theorist solving our relationship issues. Our last two individual sessions were spent geeking out about the field of experimental sexuality research. 

At that point, a cognitive-behavioral psychologist could have helped with very specific issues I was having that weren't easily addressed with the other methods. A humanistic approach could have helped improve my decision-making skills. [sidebar- my therapist was actually capable of that, but we agreed I had enough understanding of the concepts to do it myself.]

Difference Between a Psychologist and a Psychiatrist

This is another important consideration when looking for a therapist. The major difference- psychiatrists are medical doctors, psychologists are not. As such, psychiatrists can prescribe drugs. 

My personal recommendation would be to seek out a psychologist first unless there's alife or death situation related to mental state. If they determine there's a need for drug therapy, they will refer you to a psychiatrist. Drugs work by screwing with brain chemistry. Before taking that leap, trying non-drug therapies is a good idea.

The Searching Process

Therapists, at least honest therapists, welcome the therapist-shopping process. They understand a comfortable fit is necessary for successful outcomes. The best method is to do more research beyond this post. Find therapists in your area. Check out their websites. Give them a call. Or email them as I did... I hate the phone. Yes, I still have issues. :-)

Once you contact those that seem like they'd be a good fit, I would recommend meeting in person. They will probably go through an assessment process that will vary based on their theoretical background. That process should be enough to determine which therapist would be the best fit.

What About Couples Therapy?

Couples therapy, or marriage/relationship counseling, can be an incredibly effective means of improving relationships. In most cases, the therapy involves learning good relationship skills. I highly recommend it for any couple experiencing troubles.

HOWEVER, there is a serious caveat to couples therapy. If one or both partners have significant baggage from past experiences, it's unlikely couples therapy will be effective. Each partner has to figure out their own issues before they can tackle their relationship issues. This is why I always recommend both people in a relationship seek individual therapy prior to seeking couples therapy.

This is a general rundown on my take on therapy. When done properly, therapy can result in amazing life-changing outcomes.

Questions?

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