Monday, September 16, 2013

Reader Question: My significant Other Wants Me to Rape Them. HELP!

Rape fantasy. In my experience discussing human sexuality with others, this particular fantasy shows up on a surprisingly regular basis. However, it's not quite common enough to generate much discussion among the general population.

I recently received an email from a reader. Their significant other shared a fantasy of being raped. The reader felt like this particular fantasy was too far outside their comfort zone, so they were seeking some guidance.

Before we get into the mechanics of "rape play", we need to come up with solid operational definitions for the term "rape fantasy." Fantasy rape is almost always significantly different from actual sexual assault. Some hard-core practitioners may blur the lines, but do so only after a significant amount of trust is developed between the involved parties. Sexual assault rape (rapey rape) involves unwilling sexual activity usually carried out in a violent manner with no regard for the victim. It's a horrible, traumatic crime. Despite the opinion of some members of the US Congress (talking to you, Todd Akin), all rape is forcible rape. Consensual rape (fantasy rape) is carried out between consenting individuals that have discussed the issue beforehand and taken precautions to assure the fantasy doesn't cross a line to actual assault. So...

  • Rapey Rape: The unlawful or undesired compelling of a person through physical force or duress to engage in sexual activity. It's a horrible crime that has serious psychological, sociological, and anthropological ramifications. 
  • Fantasy Rape: Sexual fantasy involving imagining or pretending being coerced or coercing another into sexual activity. In sexual role-play, it involves acting out roles of coercive sex. (thanks Wikipedia!) Worth noting: people can fantasize about being the "attacker" or the "victim." 
Victims of rapey rape never want the act repeated and people that have rape fantasies never actually want to experience rapey rape. I have never encountered an exception to this. Again, there's a very distinct difference between the two.

Thankfully, many of us have grown up in an era where we've had the lessons of consensual sex hammered into our heads. Well, at least those of us that were fortunate enough to sit through a freshmen college orientation. However, our hyper-sensitivity toward sexual assault also makes us a bit gun-shy about admitting or engaging in fantasy rape.

The solution, like pretty much any relationship issue, is solved through communication. The person that would like to enact the fantasy should initiate a discussion about their desires. This can get tricky as a novice probably won't know where their own lines are drawn, thus cannot effectively communicate with their partner. In that case, go slow. Set up a deliberate, simple scenario. Maybe the "attacker" tears the "victim's" clothing then holds their hands down as they have sex. 

Once a few scenarios have been enacted, the person with the fantasy should begin to get a handle on the exact nature of their desires.

Before the first scenario is enacted, develop safe words. This is good practice in any sexual relationship, but critically important in rape play. I recommend using something goofy that will obviously stand out when things get heated. I also recommend practicing the safe word for a day or two before testing it out. An even better system is to have a series of safe words to indicate comfort level. The most common in BDSM play is:
  • Green light: Fuck yeah, keep it up!
  • Yellow light: Okay, I don't like where this is going. Change course.
  • Red light: Stop immediately.
The most important rule: When the "stop immediately" safe word is used, the "attacker" MUST stop immediately with no exceptions. If they do continue, this moves the act to the sexual assault category AND ruins the necessary trust between the participants. Also worth noting- since yelling "green light" may be a bit distracting, it can be implied.

Follow those rules and you'll be able to safely and confidently explore your fantasies.

Yeah, but doesn't the discussion and safe words ruin the fantasy?

To some, maybe. However, I see it as the price of admission. Rape fantasy toes a dangerous line, and the consequences of miscommunication are too great. Talk. Develop safe words. Start slow. If all goes well, you can discuss pushing the boundaries. 

I have a rape fantasy... how do I share it with my significant other?

In a perfect world, we'd all be involved in relationships where we felt a level of trust and intimacy to discuss any topic AND we'd have a willingness to try anything at least once or thrice. At the very least, it would be nice if we all shared the same dark sense of humor that would allow us to discuss fantasy rape in a humorous fashon. Sadly, we do not live in said perfect world. 

"I want you to rape me" or "I want to rape you" may be a little too intense for some. I would recommend taking a slightly more politically-correct route of mild domination/ submission and working from there. The mediocre book "50 Shades of Gray" ('Murica, damn it!) is a good, socially-acceptable way to acquaint someone to the concepts. Read it aloud to each other.  

These are the basic points of rape fantasy. This is far from an all-encompassing guide, so feel free to ask questions in the comments section!


No comments:

Post a Comment