Now we get to the good stuff... what are the details in rekindling the passion? How do we experience the kind of heat we experienced early in the honeymoon phase of our relationship? This post outlines the first, and easiest, of the five tools. But before I get to that, let's back up a step.
In the first post, I explained the three types of sex - Novelty, Transcendence, and Maintenance. In the second post, I explained the cycle that occurs in relationships: Novelty fades, Transcendence fades, and Maintenance Sex becomes the polite ritual of partnership. Sex becomes predictable, routine, emotionally safe… and erotically dead.
This doesn't happen because you stopped loving each other (usually). It’s because the same neurobiology that bonds you is the same biology that kills passion. Closeness breeds comfort, and comfort smothers desire. I wrote about this paradox over a decade ago, and it's as true today as it was then.
So how do we prevent or correct this paradox?
Weaponized Withdrawal is the first tool we can use. As I noted, it's the easiest of the tools I'll present in this series. As such, it's the first one you should try. The concept is very simple; you'll use distance as foreplay, turning absence into the spark that reignites desire. We'll put the "absence makes the heart grow fonder" idea into action.
The Science of Distance and Desire
Let’s start with the biology, because your own body is the real battlefield here.
When sex becomes regular and predictable (Maintenance Sex), the dopamine system, the chemical network responsible for pursuit and excitement, goes quiet. You no longer have to chase; the reward is guaranteed. No chase, no thrill; no thrill, no passion. This is a normal, necessary, natural process that happens in every relationship. As I explained in the second post in the series, this shift to routine sex is what bonds us with our partner.
But after a few years of this being the norm, we start craving the passion that faded when the honeymoon phase of the relationship ended. We want our dopamine system to create its magic again!
Distance is what most easily reawakens that system. When you remove easy access, the brain’s reward pathways start firing again. Dopamine floods the system not when we get the reward, but when we anticipate it. It's the anticipation that creates the magic.
In short: wanting > having.
Coincidentally, this is why flirting and seduction are so powerful; it builds anticipation, which releases dopamine.
Meanwhile, oxytocin, the hormone that glues partners together, does its job a little too well. It promotes safety, empathy, and predictability. This is great (and necessary) for co-parenting, but terrible for eroticism. By taking a short break from the closeness of physical intimacy, you temporarily lower oxytocin levels, reintroducing just enough uncertainty to make desire feel dangerous again.
Add in a dash of norepinephrine ("adrenaline", which creates arousal tension) and a modest bump in testosterone (one of the important hormones that creates our sex drive) from abstinence, and you’ve got the neurochemical recipe for really hot, sexy seduction.
This is why Weaponized Withdrawal works. It doesn’t just “make you miss each other.” It resets the brain’s entire reward circuit.
The Psychology of Scarcity and Tension
Psychology has a lot to say about this process, too. Desire thrives on tension, which is the space between wanting and having. Passion increases as a function of the distance between wanting and having. In graphic form, it look like this:
The moment sex (or anything, really) becomes freely available, the human brain stops valuing it. We’re wired for scarcity, not abundance. Restrict something we crave, and it instantly becomes more desirable. We want want we can't have. This is reactance theory in action: the more you take away someone’s freedom, the more they want what they’ve lost. It's the foundation of supply and demand.
The same principle that explains the psychology of why new lovers feel like a drug and long-term partners feel like roommates. Novelty introduces unpredictability. Predictability kills mystery.
But the effect of Weaponized Withdrawal depends on who’s playing the game. That’s where things get tricky, and the reason this method doesn't always work as advertised.
The mechanism is simple: distance creates uncertainty; uncertainty creates intrigue. That intrigue, combined with anticipation, reactivates the dopamine system. When the reunion finally happens, oxytocin rushes back in, flooding the system with relief and bonding. That cycle, pursuit, distance, reunion, is the foundation of eroticism.
When It Works
Weaponized Withdrawal works beautifully under the right conditions. When both partners are still attracted to each other, when there’s still affection beneath the boredom, and when both are emotionally mature enough to handle tension without spiraling into insecurity, the grounds are fertile for this method to work.
The tool thrives in relationships that have become too safe, where the sex feels like a chore but the bond itself is strong. It works best when you’ve drifted into “roommate mode” but still like each other, when there’s little resentment and both partners agree to the experiment, when flirting and playfulness still exist but need a boost from mystery, and when both partners are motivated and have at least some curiosity about rekindling desire.
When It Backfires
When misused, Weaponized Withdrawal can do real damage. If it's done as a power move or a punishment, it always fails.
It fails when there’s deep resentment or chronic rejection in the relationship, when the high-libido partner feels desperate or weaponizes the abstinence to punish, or when the low-libido partner feels pressure instead of curiosity, or when one partner’s attachment style makes absence feel like abandonment.
When that happens, the distance becomes threatening instead of erotic. Anxiety replaces longing. The brain reads the separation not as flirtation, but as danger, flooding the body with cortisol instead of dopamine. If your relationship is emotionally fragile or one partner feels like the relationship could end if the boat is rocked, this isn’t your starting point. You have to rebuild your emotional bond first with the understanding that building the emotional bond, per the passion/ intimacy paradox, will further erode eroticism. You have to take a step back before taking two steps forward.
High Libido vs. Low Libido: Why the Dynamic Matters
Most couples have a libido gap: one wants sex more often, one less. That difference is where Weaponized Withdrawal either works brilliantly or implodes.
The high-libido partner usually feels rejected when sex stops. They interpret lack of desire as lack of love. For WW to work, they have to reframe that urge: not as deprivation, but as seduction. Their job is to build tension by flirting, touching, and teasing, without demanding release. They must become the spark, not the pursuer.
The low-libido partner often feels cornered by expectation. It's common for this partner to feel like they're broken, but it's usually more of a case of them being burned out. They need space to rebuild autonomy and genuine desire. During withdrawal, their job is to stay engaged emotionally, to play, to connect, to enjoy the flirtation without pressure.
The success of WW depends on that dynamic: both people holding tension instead of collapsing into comfort or conflict. The moment you can both want without having, you’ve rediscovered the chemistry of pursuit.
How to Do It Right
First, set the frame together. Have an explicit conversation about what you’re doing and why. Clearly frame this not as punishment or manipulation, but as a shared, playful experiment. Agree on a timeline, I recommend anywhere from seven to thirty days, and decide together whether solo release (masturbation) is allowed. (Hint: saying no often makes this tool more effective, but the timeline should be shorter).
Next, flirt without follow-through. Touch casually but stop before escalation. Whisper, tease, brush fingertips, make eye contact, and build tension through small, controlled moments of desire. Let the heat simmer instead of boil.
Throughout the process, stay playful. The second it starts feeling punitive, the erotic charge dies. Think of it as slow-burn foreplay, not a standoff.
Notice the shifts as they come. Expect irritability, heightened attraction, even vivid dreams... all of these are signs that your dopamine system is recalibrating. Keep the communication open. Talk about what you notice, how it feels, what changes.
Finally, end intentionally. Give in to the wanting and actually have sex. Don’t just “give in”, though. Plan the event. Set the scene. Use lighting, scent, and slow touch to build anticipation. The sex itself can be hot and frantic, but do your best to build to that apex. Make the beginnings of this return to sex deliberate and ceremonial, like the closing ritual that seals the experiment.
The Paradox of Desire
Desire doesn’t die because love dies. It dies because the tension that feeds it dissolves. And this is a normal, natural process in every relationship.
Weaponized Withdrawal teaches you to play with that tension instead of fearing it. It turns distance into fuel. It reminds both partners that wanting is a skill, and one that thrives on restraint.
Desire is born from the gap between you and the person you love. Sometimes, the fastest way to close that gap is to open it on purpose.
In the next post, I'll tackle Intentional Novelty, which explains how to rewire your erotic routine, rewrite your scripts, and bring danger back into the familiar.
~Jason
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