The Erotic Triad redefines sex through three neurochemically-driven imperatives: Novelty, Maintenance, and Transcendence. The ultimate goal is Transcendence Sex, that mind-blowing, reality-altering flow state that fundamentally changes your perception.
The challenge is manufacturing this state within a long-term relationship after the initial novelty fades. Our first two tools, Weaponized Withdrawal and Intentional Novelty, relied on actions taken before or during sex. The third tool, however, is a foundational mechanism pervasive across all aspects of life: Gender Polarity. Basically, this tool extends beyond the bedroom, and encompasses how we live our lives.
Polarity: The Necessary Voltage
Years ago, my two-part Advertising/Maintenance model simplified sex to the point of incompleteness, especially when it came to gender. That model, documented in my book No Bone Zone (NBZ), missed the key element of Polarity. The net effect was advice that would only get you so far before you hit a frustrating plateau.
Earlier in life, as a naive Gen Xer, I bought into the prevailing cultural view and saw gender as an oppressive force. It wasn't until I started experimenting and documenting my journey that I discovered my own masculinity. I wrote about this process of self-discovery in my SD Man Camp and El Diablo Man Camp blogs. It was through this process that I stumbled upon the absolute importance of Gender Polarity.
The new Erotic Triad model, grounded in neurobiology and evolutionary thought, fixes this important omission. It accounts for the differences between the masculine and the feminine, which provides the tension that creates the very foundation of erotic energy.
Functionally, polarity is the intentional introduction of difference, the voltage that sparks dopamine and norepinephrine, into the safety of our Oxytocin-driven Maintenance Sex. That's how we reliably create Transcendence Sex regardless of the other tools we may use.
The Polarity Problem: Why Sameness Kills Desire
Desire dies when partners become energetically identical: they have the same pace, occupy the same dominance/ submission role, and take the same approach to seduction. This state is perfect for logistics and co-parenting (the realm of Maintenance Sex), but it is absolute poison for lust. Two masculine partners or two feminine partners is bad; both partners being androgynous is even worse.
It's important to note "masculine" doesn't necessarily mean "man" and "feminine" doesn't necessarily mean "woman"; gender is an incredibly complex topic that goes wayyyy beyond the scope of this post. If you're curious about my understanding of gender, take a look at this post. This provides a nice segue to the next point...
The idea that polarity is merely a social construct is the most destructive lie modern relationships have swallowed. Gender isn't a cultural phenomenon; it is a biological, psychological, and mythic truth. Every civilization, every creation myth, from the Taoist dichotomy of Yin and Yang to the Hindu pairing of Shiva and Shakti, encodes this truth: life is born from the union of opposites. For this discussion, consider gender a core personality expression; an authentic, innate default, grounded in biology and evolution, with an element of plasticity. This Polarity idea can be applied to any relationship, regardless of orientation. We can override our authentic expression, but the cost we pay for being something we're not is hot, passionate sex.
Polarity is the antidote to this sameness: the essential voltage created by the opposition between Masculine Direction and Feminine Radiance. No voltage, no spark.
This is the save-the-relationship tool when the passion has flatlined. There's a weird caveat to this tool, however... it's mostly a one-way street. When the partner embodying the Masculine pole fully commits to expressing genuine Masculinity, attraction often follows, tapping into the underlying evolutionary drive for difference.
When the Feminine tries to lead this polarity alone, it comes across as more of a performance, not a genuine expression of passion, and ultimately fails to create the desired effect. This means the tool must be initiated by the more masculine member of a relationship.
This really only becomes an issue when the more feminine member of the relationship is the one who wants to spice things up. In my advice-giving and coaching capacity, this usually manifested in a wife who wanted their husband to "man up" and start acting more masculine. Sometimes it worked. Sometimes it didn't. My advice for women? Get your man to read some of my stuff.
Polarity: The Neurochemical Recipe for Charge
Let's talk science. Attraction isn't a cognitive process we consciously control. It's a chemical process expressed through emotion. This means it's largely an involuntary process, so can't think our way to polarity. It's something that has to be lived and experienced. Luckily, we're hard-wired for it.
The Masculine pole is fueled primarily by Testosterone, the hormone of direction, focus, and pursuit. It projects confidence and signals potency. The Feminine pole runs primarily on Estrogen and Oxytocin, amplifying receptivity, bonding, and sensitivity. When these energies meet, one assertive and directional, the other receptive and expansive, desire ignites because each completes a circuit the other can’t sustain alone.
As evidence of this reality, I recently started testosterone replacement therapy. My T-levels were plummeting, and I started experiencing more feminine thought and behavior patterns. After starting routine exogenous testosterone injections, masculine thoughts and behaviors returned with stunning speed and intensity. The interesting part? Playing with the amount of testosterone directly influenced my thoughts, emotions, drive, assertiveness, competition, and all the other things we associate with masculinity. It's a truly fascinating, and telling, experiment of one.
To summarize: Psychologically, polarity is the dance between Consciousness (the Masculine imperative for purpose, structure, and containment) and Life-Force (the Feminine imperative for flow, emotion, and expression). Erotic tension arises when one partner embodies the structure and the other embodies the energy.
Sometimes, when discussing this topic, newer couples will point out that they have similar energy (both masculine or both feminine, or even both androgynous). And those similar couples have plenty of hot, passionate sex... during the honeymoon period. Couples with similar energetic signatures tend to burn bright early with plenty of Novelty Sex, but they inevitably stall faster and harder than couples with much greater Gender Polarity. Their neurochemistry cancels the antecedents of passion instead of complements. That fading passion is a biological signal that polarity has collapsed, leading to an especially brutal manifestation of the predictable boredom of Maintenance Sex.
Cultivating Difference
So how exactly do we create this dynamic? To generate the energetic charge required for Transcendent Sex, partners must consciously differentiate their expression. This is not about 1950s nostalgia. It’s about creating a strong, fixed framework (Masculine) and an open, moving energy (Feminine) that are powerful enough to generate that spark. The rule is: equality outside the bedroom, energy contrast inside it.
Cultivating Authentic Masculinity (Direction)
Masculinity is not aggression or violence, even though both are a component of masculine behavior. It is a core imperative for calm purpose and containment, the capacity to hold tension and bring order without crushing what is delicate. This is where the popular "alpha male" stigma goes wrong. Masculinity isn't about peacocking for attention. It's about creating and maintaining a safehaven from the rest of the world. The masculine broadcasts: I can hold you.
To rebuild this direction, focus on these simple concepts:
- Pursue physical mastery: Engage in challenges that elevate Testosterone (lifting, running, recreational fighting, building, and competing).
- Develop a mission: Commit to a purpose outside the relationship. This provides the direction and structure needed for your partner to relax into flow.
- Practice Containment: The erotic cue is stillness. Cultivate slow breath, a soft, unwavering gaze, and grounded stillness.
- Lead Decisively: Take ownership of logistics. Set the frame for dates or intimacy rather than negotiating or waiting for a cue.
Cultivating Authentic Femininity (Magnetism)
Femininity is not submission or neediness. It is a core imperative for magnetism and flow; the power derived from openness, uninhibited expression, and radical receptivity.
To rebuild this radiance:
- Reconnect with the body: Engage in sensual movement (dance, slow yoga, etc.).
- Embrace Expression: Treat beauty and emotional honesty as an external spiritual practice.
- Practice Receptivity: Replace constant productivity with active presence.
- Surrender is Chosen Openness: Understand that the most powerful act is the conscious decision to open to a containment that has been deemed worthy.
If partners each embrace one of these poles, the energy between them will be electric. THAT is how Gender Polarity works.
Manufacturing Transcendence: Polarity Rituals
Transcendence Sex can be artificially manufactured by creating the right conditions. The behaviors that lead to this polarity can be practiced. Here are two simple activities, which I'll call "micro-rituals", that can help you practice:
Micro-Ritual #1: Frame & Flow: The Masculine sets the Frame (time, space, one simple cue: "Shower now. Hair down. Meet me by the fireplace."). The Feminine fills the Flow (movement, scent, atmosphere, emotional energy). Stop before sex. Let the tension, the spark, linger. The Masculine partner creates the parameters; the Feminine partner fills the area within those parameters.
Micro-Ritual #2: The Threshold: The Masculine stands still in a doorway, breathing slow and acting as the grounded axis. The Feminine approaches when ready, exhaling and opening up. The Masculine simply receives her with one hand on her back. Make eye contact by gazing at each other's non-dominant eye (a concept I'll explain later) and taking ten slow, synchronized breaths. The Masculine stakes out physical space; the Feminine fills that space.
Done intentionally, repeatedly, and globally, these micro-rituals create that powerful "direction/magnetism" dynamic that generates passion. The cool thing about this tool is it creates an endless well that can be sustained indefinitely... it never stops working. Further, the Gender Polarity dynamic can be combined with the other tools I discuss in the series for even more fireworks.
Conclusion
If you don't generate this energetic charge, your relationship is guaranteed to hit the plateau of routine Maintenance Sex, leading to the inevitable boredom and eventual loss of passion. Polarity is the discipline required to keep two bodies in vital orbit. Love without polarity is safe, but dull. Polarity without love burns hot but fast. The art of Transcendence is creating and maintaining both: devotion and difference.
In the next post, I'll tackle the riskiest of the tools I discuss, and the one that has unexpectedly become popular, Social Sexuality.
~Jason
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