Years ago, I proposed a two-part model that explained the types of sex we engage in, and it was initially presented as an explanation of female desire. It essentially defined sex as coming in two flavors - advertising sex and maintenance sex. The goal of developing this model was pretty simple - I wanted to help people create better relationships. If they were single, it would give people a framework for finding and building something better than they had previously experienced. If they were in a relationship, it gave folks a way to keep the passion alive, which would ultimately save relationships.
The original motivation actually came from my experience as a high school teacher and seeing, first-hand, the effects of divorce on kids. Sometimes it worked out well, but a lot of the time, the kids suffered. I was also motivated by my belief that sex is incredibly important to our health and well-being, and, quite frankly, is one of those things that makes life worth living.
I liked this framework because it provided a lot of practical solutions to common relationship problems, such as the fickle nature of female desire, why women seem to be attracted to men who are jerks, how ovulation can be hacked to improve sex, how to deal with a relationship where one partner has a much higher sex drive, the role of "beta" males and how this dichotomy of sexual expression manifests, why sex gets boring in relationships, how advertising sex creates intermittent reinforcement that sabotages masculinity, how this model explains the plight of many modern relationship failures, how women can better understand men, how men can fix sexless relationships, how men should treat women, and fixing relationships where the wife is a nagging bitch.
This was even the framework for my surprisingly well-reviewed book "No Bone Zone."
Needless to say, I used this model as a tool to explain A LOT of inter- and intra-personal dynamics. Some of it was helpful. Most of it was incomplete, therefore problematic. My suggestion? Don't click on all those links. Or buy the book.
Well, maybe buy the book. But just know the ideas have evolved. A lot.
The problem with this advertising/ maintenance model is that it simplified sex to the point where it did not account for all kinds of individual, relationship, group, and culture nuances. The result was a lot of incomplete advice, or in the case of gender expression, a blunted explanation of gender expression. The net effect is a lot of the advice I gave was incomplete. Or, more accurately, limited. If you followed the advice, you'd eventually reach a point where you'd plateau and there was no "what's next?"
This new model fixes this problem.
The Erotic Triad
This new model defines sex as coming in THREE flavors: Novelty Sex, Maintenance Sex, and Transcendence Sex. Like all models, this is still a simplification of an incredibly complex topic, but it creates a whole lotta functional application that the old model could not.
It's best to think of these types of sex as imperatives. These are three biochemically-driven sexual strategies that each serve specific purposes. The ideas are grounded in neurobiology and evolutionary thought, but align well with other behavioral and biological sciences, cuts across cultures, and explains religious, mythological, and archetypal sexual expression.
Each of these imperatives are defined by both their goal (why we engage in this kind of sex) and the neurochemical system each activates.
Let's start with Novelty Sex
Novelty Sex
Novelty Sex is typically done with a new partner, but it could also sometimes involve a familiar partner in a different context (like role-playing, trying new kinks, etc.) This type of sex is exciting, fast-paced, and stimulating. It also tends to feel "shallow" because it involves minimal emotional investment and very little intimacy.
The goal of Novelty Sex is exploration and immediate gratification. We're trying something, or someone, new. This type of sex is driven by two main neurochemical systems - dopamine and norepinephrine. Dopamine is the "wanting" hormone, which is released in anticipation of a reward, driving pursuit and acquisition. Norepinephrine provides the excitement and quick arousal.
This type of sex is most often experienced when we have sex with someone new for the first few times. We don't really know much about them, and we likely don't have much of an emotional bond.
This type of sex can last throughout the "honeymoon" period of relationships, which usually last from about six months up to about 18 months. The level of excitement typically starts high, increases rapidly, then slowly fades.
From an evolutionary perspective, men crave and use Novelty Sex to maximize reproductive output. In essence, we're spreading our "seed" far and wide, which creates a sexual strategy that cares much more about quantity than quality. Men aren't picky, but will be more attracted to women who display signals related to fertility.
Women, contrary to some beliefs, also crave Novelty Sex, but for a different reason. For women, Novelty Sex is done to assess potential mates and calibrate sexual value. This is a far more nuanced motivation than men, which reflects the cost of reproduction for women.
For the assessment part, women use sex to help determine if a male has superior genes and if a male is willing to make sacrifices for her (and their possible offspring). The physical attractiveness and behaviors of the man, which includes his sexual skill, signal he has good genes. The male's willingness to act selflessly during and after sex signals he will provide and protect, both of which are important for her and her eventual children.
During and right before ovulation, women will be drawn more to the "superior genes" dynamic. Outside the ovulation window, women are more drawn to the provide and protect dynamic. In a perfect world, women will want a man who not only can provide both dynamics, but can anticipate which dynamic matters most at the right time.
For the calibration part, women will use Novelty Sex to determine the relative "quality" of male they can attract, which eventually helps women determine which male to choose as a father to her children. This more or less helps women determine the lowest and highest quality men they can attract for sex and for a committed relationship. Interestingly, the "ick" women feel towards specific men seems to be driven by this collaboration mechanism.
Notably, men will also use Novelty Sex for calibration purposes, but it's a minor factor compared to the role of Transcendence Sex.
This process is far more complex than what I'm presenting here, but this is the gist of the role Novelty Sex plays for both men and women.
Maintenance Sex
Maintenance Sex plays basically the same role in this model as it did in my previous model. This is the type of sex that, in committed relationships, comes after the honeymoon period. The goal of Maintenance Sex is to develop relationship stability, build trust, and co-regulate emotions.
Maintenance Sex is primarily driven by the neurotransmitter oxytocin, and causes the activation of the ventral vagus complex, which is associated with feeling safe. From an evolutionary perspective, this is the sex that helps us manage the intense stress of co-parenting young children (that resulted from all that Novelty Sex) and resource-provisioning.
Basically, Maintenance Sex is the glue that holds relationships together, and serves the same basic purpose for both men and women.
Typically, this kind of sex is warm, soft, and tender. It's often scheduled, routinized, and predictable. It lacks excitement, but features closeness. Sometimes it might include quickies or when one or both partners just need an orgasm. It's often done for the sake of the relationship instead of the individual experience of ecstasy.
Early in relationships, Maintenance Sex is usually a pleasant experience, and often a welcome change from the intensity of Novelty Sex. The problem, of course, is that Maintenance Sex becomes boring, especially when it starts to feel like an obligation or when closeness begins to fade... especially when coupled with the stressors of parenting small children.
Transcendence Sex
Transcendence Sex is the mind-blowing sex that takes us to a different place. It's the kind of sex people describe as "mind-blowing", and is defined as physically, psychologically, and emotionally overwhelming sex that is uninhibited and all-consuming. During Transcendence Sex, we lose our sense of self, time, and our surroundings. It's basically the "flow state" of sex. People, during Transcendent Sex, tend to feel there's no boundary between them and their partner, which feels like they become one.
Needless to say, this is the amazing sex that fundamentally changes your perception of reality.
Neurochemically, Transcendence Sex releases the same dopamine and norepinephrine of Novelty Sex, but also releases loads of serotonin and endorphins. This combination causes hypoactivation of our brain's prefrontal cortex. Functionally, this quiets our conscious, critical through processes.
The purpose, and role of each sex, in Transcendent Sex is pretty fascinating. In both men and women, Transcendence Sex seems to be naturally triggered by genetic dissimilarity. Specifically, arousal in both men and women seem to be partially correlated to differences in the Major Histocompatibility Complex (MHC). The greater the difference in MHC between two parents, the better their offspring's immune system will function (this ensuring the kids' survival). This process seems to be communicated by pheromones.
Functionally, this explains why we're irresistibly drawn to some people and feel an intense attraction to them regardless of their physical attractiveness, behaviors, ability to provide and protect, etc. When two people hook up and engage in Novelty Sex AND their MHC is dissimilar, they'll experience Transcendence Sex. The greater the difference in MHC, the stronger the Transcendence Sex effect becomes.
For both men and women, Transcendence Sex is so overwhelmingly rewarding, it causes them to ignore other possible mates. In the honeymoon phase, this is why some couples essentially become obsessed with each other and drop contact with their friends and family. This is nature's mechanism for assuring the right people make lots of babies.
Conversely, couples who engage in Novelty Sex but do not experience this degree of immersive passion are likely poor matches to produce healthy offspring. This explains the phenomenon where someone may be insanely attractive but do nothing for us in the bedroom, or the phenomenon where someone is perfect on paper, but we don't feel any spark. It also explains situations where we initially feel strong attraction to someone, but it fades quickly after three to six sexual encounters.
Hormonal birth control also plays a role in this process. We don't fully understand the effect, but hormonal birth control seems to short-circuit the experience of attraction women feel toward men. We see this effect occurring when women will commit to a mate when using hormonal BC, then they stop (usually to get pregnant), then lose all sexual attraction to their mate.
However, it's important to understand Transcendence Sex, if left to the natural progression of relationships, can and will fade just like Novelty Sex. However, that underlying HMC dissimilarity is still there, which means it's possible to rekindle this with the right ways.
More significantly, Transcendence Sex can be artificially manufactured in anyone with pretty much any partner if the right conditions are met. In "No Bone Zone", I inadvertently explored some of these conditions, though my attribution to the effects were off base. In a later part of this series, I'll outline the five primary ways Transcendence Sex can be created.
Conclusion
The journey from a simple dichotomy of advertising versus maintenance sex culminates here, in the Erotic Triad: a recognition that our sexual lives are governed by three fundamental, neurochemically-driven imperatives: Novelty, Maintenance, and Transcendence. This new framework is a practical map grounded in Dopamine, Oxytocin, and Endorphin science, designed to replace incomplete advice with lasting solutions.
By understanding that Novelty Sex satisfies our evolutionary drive for exploration, Maintenance Sex anchors the Oxytocin bond for safety, and Transcendent Sex is the ultimate Endorphin reward, we gain the power to consciously influence the deepest mechanisms of desire. The fading passion and the inevitable plateau that plagued the old model are no longer unavoidable fates. Instead, they are signals that one of the three vital imperatives is being neglected.
The Erotic Triad provides the tools to intentionally generate the mind-blowing, reality-altering Transcendent Sex that makes life worth living, transforming relationships from passive contracts into active, fulfilling disciplines. This is not the end of the conversation, but the beginning of a true path to Embodied Mastery in love and sex.
Stay tuned!
~Jason
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