How To Save A Shitty Relationship: Be Subversive

So your relationship sucks. Your partner doesn't give you enough attention. Maybe they don't put out enough. You want to stay in the relationship, though. What are you to do?

Most advice seems to center around a few different themes, including:

• Improve communication (always a worthwhile goal),
• Change either yourself, your partner, or both (rarely works), or
• Do something to spice up the relationship. Reignite that spark. 

Let's focus on the last suggestion- spice things up. This advice is often given to the person in the relationship that's interested in improving things. Odds are good they're the one that's already investing more in the relationship, which isn't really making things better. Is it wise to up the ante and invest even more?

This advice ignores a fundamental element of human nature- the scarcity principle. The scarcity principle is based on the idea that we want what we can't have. That which is rare is good. It's the reason we pay so much for rare coins, Beanie Babies that look nothing like Princess Diana, and Bo Jackson rookie cards. 

In a relationship, consider the variable of attention. Each partner pays a certain amount of attention to the other.  The exact amount is dependent on each individual; all of us have different needs. As long as each person is paying enough attention to the other, things are good. When one partner doesn't pay enough attention to their mate, things go downhill. That "attention" can manifest itself in a variety of ways, from physical or emotional affection to interesting conversation to sex. 

Let's say we have a heterosexual couple where the woman isn't paying enough attention to the man. The standard advice would be for the man to do something dramatic, like a grand romantic gesture or something. Flowers. Dinner. Do more chores. Whatever.

The problem is scarcity. The man is already likely paying attention to the woman in an attempt to get her to pay attention to him. The woman is getting all the attention she needs. Adding more will actually drive her away, not cause her to pay more attention to him.

The man wants to feel more valued. Instead of paying her more attention, he should pay less attention. That will invoke the scarcity principle, which will cause her to want to pay more attention to him.

Why Does It Work?

The reason the scarcity principle works in this situation likely has to do with our own insecurities. When someone pays attention to us, we revel in the feeling. When they withdraw, it causes some cognitive dissonance. We unconsciously (or consciously) think we may have done something wrong. We question why they're pulling away. The natural reaction is to defend against that pulling away by showering them with attention.

Viola!

The man now gets the attention he needs. Problem solved.

An Actual Game Plan

So how exactly can you use this powerful method? It's harder than it seems because it requires you to ignore the person for a period of time, then shower them with affection, then pull away again. The pulling away will likely invoke feelings in insecurity in yourself as you may fear pulling away completely will cause them to pull away even more. Don't worry- if they're into you, they'll respond.

Start with day one. For two days, do your best to act cold and uninterested. Keep conversation to a minimum. Make sure it's boring. Avoid all physical contact. Act distracted, like you have something better to do. Continue this for two days.

On the third day, do the opposite. Act warm and inviting. Hug them. Kiss them. Rub their shoulders. Give them compliments. Do some of their chores. Maybe even buy them flowers or other such gift. Do that for two days.

On the fifth day, go back to being cold and distant, just like the first two days.

Repeat this cycle for a week or two if needed. After the first cycle or two, they should come around. The cycling will prove to be powerfully alluring and draw them in. Suddenly they'll find you more interesting. They will begin to crave being in your presence. They will begin to shower you with attention.

IMPORTANT: Don't tell them what you're doing. If they ask, make up excuses. We're really bad at recognizing emotional patterns, especially over the course of a week or two.

In the unlikely event the partner doesn't respond, you're in a bit of trouble. Odds are good the partner just isn't that in to you anymore. While it may be worthwhile to try to rescue the relationship via therapy or other means, don't be afraid to jump ship. Life's too short to expend time and energy on someone that won't give you what you need.

There you have it- a simple tool to get the attention you deserve. Give it a shot and repost the results here in the comments!

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The Political Correctness Disease: We're Too Damn Nice

Modern society fascinates me. Specifically, the methods we use to interact with each other fascinate me. In the name of political correctness, we've managed to sterilize our social communication. We're riddled with anxiety over potentially offending each other to the point where we can no longer effectively communicate emotion.

From a young age, we're taught to be respectful. Don't offend. Be humble. Polite. Timid, even. 

While this is nice and diplomatic and leads to a civilized society, it has one striking problem: It forces us to hide our dark side in a vault. 

All of us have multiple facets to our personality. These facets can be thought of as a spectrum moving from light to dark. The "light" side is kind, gentle, and respectful. It strives to help people; to do good in the world. It is democratic. It is cooperative and strives to please. Power is shared in an egalitarian fashion. This is the part of our personality that acts as a beacon of light to all those around us. 

This light side of our personality isn't entirely positive. It can also be whiny and easy to offend. It likes to complain and grovel. It's overly sensitive and cowers in the face of aggressiveness. It is weak, nervous, and passive. It passes moral judgment. It demands conformity. It is incapacitated with insecurity. It doesn't take unnecessary risks and often fails to take the initiative.

This is the element of our personality that is heavily reinforced by society. Over time, we're moving more and more toward this ideal.

The darker side of our personality is the polar opposite. It is bold, hedonistic, narcissistic, and sadistic. It craves power and influence. It doesn't care about offending and loves to take charge. It is assertive, thoughtless, and aggressive. It likes to inflict pain. This side of our personality preys on the weak and selfishly gets what it wants. This side of our personality loves pleasure.

This element of our personality is often punished in our present society. It's not politically correct. We're taught that it's bad. Indeed, we can't have a society if everyone let their dark side run free.

So What's the Problem?

A single-minded focus on the lighter side is boring. A single-minded focus on the dark side is chaos and anarchy. Our existence requires both elements. If one is unnecessarily subdued, there is no opportunity for variety. If there is no opportunity for variety, we become desensitized to the one we're exposed to repeatedly. Pleasure itself is great... until we get it all the time. Pleasure interspersed with pain gives us contrast, which keeps each sensation novel. The pain makes the pleasure better.

Since we systematically scrub our society of the dark side of our personalities, we only experience pleasure. We live in our comfy suburban houses, surround ourselves with material goods that help us with our chores, always have food on the table, have no physical struggles, are polite and civil to all those around us, and have gentle, loving sex with our partner we always respect.

And it sucks. 

It leads to neuroses. We secretly crave the darkness. We want struggle. We want to feel helpless. We want to feel pain. 

We're led to believe that the removal of struggle will result in lasting happiness. That idea is a sham. Happiness doesn't come from the absence of struggle and pain. Happiness comes from the contrast between pleasure and pain. 

Why did "50 Shades of Grey" become such a popular book? The writing sucked, the character development was weak at best, and the lame descriptions of sex sounded like they were written by a high school freshman. It was popular because it gave the public exactly what it craves- darkness. James tapped into a primal need that is sorely lacking in today's society.

I used to dabble in magic and hypnosis, which fit in with my psychology background. Hypnosis in particular was fascinating. Everyone wanted to be hypnotized. Why? Hypnosis supposedly opens the door to the cage that traps our dark side within us. It gives people free reign to let that dark side come out.

Of course, hypnosis isn't some mystical concept that actually lowers inhibitions or exerts "mind control" over the subjects. It's just a state of consciousness we fall into every time we fall asleep. It doesn't have special powers other than increasing your ability to focus on one thing. However, people believe hypnosis has special powers. As such, the lowered inhibitions are self-generated. We want to let our dark side out, and hypnosis gives us a convenient excuse.

[Sidebar- I'm available for parties No kids, please. :-) ]

How to Use This Idea to Enhance Your Life

Using this idea to your advantage is easy... don't bury the dark side to your personality. Let it out occasionally. Don't be afraid of allowing others to see it. Yes, it is scary. The fear of social rejection is instilled in us from an early age, and we've learned to hide our dark side. 

Paradoxically, the opposite will happen. The contrast will draw people in. It will enhance the relationships with those around you. 

You can use this for your personal relationships. If you have a mate:

• Initiate something unusual or interesting.
• Play the role of a dominatrix.
• Spend a day alternating between cold and standoffish and warm and inviting every 60 minutes.

Take the idea farther. Don't shy away from struggle. Occasionally do hard physical work. Hell, that's one of the reasons I run ultras... I like the experience of the struggle and pain. Here are a few ideas for occasional lifestyle experimentation:

• Go camping with nothing.
• Shut off your electricity for a day or two. 
• Fast for 24or 48 hours.
• Spend an entire day barefoot (subtle cross-marketing persuasion, huh?)
• Wear a blindfold for a day.

If you're really brave:

• Move to a smaller house. 
• Quit your high-paying job.
• Donate half of your possessions to charity.
• Run an ultramarathon within six months.

These are just a few harebrained ideas... but the picture should be clear. Don't hide your dark side. Not only will it enhance your own life, you will enhance other people's lives, too. Everyone around us craves people that are free enough to allow their dark side to emerge on occasion. Become that person. 

Couple this idea with the idea of seeking excitement and you have a recipe for a truly awesome life. Don't bother trying to find the right job, move up the corporate ladder, buying a new house or car, or traveling to the right destination. Seek occasional excitement and let your dark side roam free and your life will magically transform. I guarantee it. ;-)

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We Don't Know What We Want Until We Try It: The Importance of Experimentation

While flying home from Chile, I listened to an interview with Malcolm Gladwell (author of The Tipping Point) about his Ted talk about happiness. He talked at length about Howard Moskowitz, a psychologist that does market research for food brands. He's most famous for his work with spaghetti sauce.

As part of the talk, Moskowitz talked about how Americans said they wanted thin, runny spaghetti sauce... until they actually had people taste a wide variety of different sauces. Until that time, food researchers asked people what they wanted. Moskowitz had them try different sauces. The result was clear- most people turned out to like something different than they thought they liked.

So what does this have to do with sex?

Many people have a genuine anxiety that's manifested as fear of sexual experimentation. The reasons are varied, and could include things like feeling of guilt or shame. They may fear rejection by their partner or rejection by society as a whole. 

Since we don't like to experience fear, we attempt to reduce it. The easiest way to reduce or eliminate it is to stick with the basics and never venture outward. After all, even repetitive, boring, or bad sex is still better than most alternative activities. Like the people that were content with their runny, bland spaghetti sauce, we're content with the status quo.It's not until we try something new that we realize just what we're missing. There are some pretty damn good spaghetti sauces out there. Life's too short to eat bad spaghetti sauce.

How to Experiment

Experimentation is pretty simple- try something new. Getting your partner on-board may be a little tricky, though. In my last post, I recommended a technique that is surprisingly effective. 

Each of you write three things you'd like to try on a piece of paper. Exchange lists. Explain and discuss each one. Each partner gets to cross one item off the list. Discuss why they crossed that one off, but do not pressure or judge them. Just accept their decision. Now try the other two items on each list.

The items on the list shouldn't deviate too far from your current comfort levels. For example, it you only have sex in the missionary position at 8:45pm on Thursday evenings, you probably don't want to add "make porn and submit it to a website" on the list. 

Yet. 

Start with different positions, the inclusion of toys, or maybe role-playing. The key is to get comfortable sharing new ideas, then honestly discussing if you enjoy it or not. If both of you enjoy it, add it to your repertoire. If not, discard it and maybe try it again in a few months. 

I guarantee you'll find some new figurative spaghetti sauces you like even more than the spaghetti sauce you think you love now.

If anyone has recently started experimenting, feel free to comment on it below. Tell us what you did and how it went. Remember, you can comment anonymously. 

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Threesomes: How Do You Ask?

Like this advice and want more ideas to keep the spark alive in your current relationship? Check out No Bone Zone, my latest book. It's filled with ideas to help couples overcome the boredom that invariably sets in after a few years. You'll love it!

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I received a question on my post about convincing your partner to be more sexually adventurous that deserved a whole new post. The reader has a male friend that is interested in having a MMF (two males, one female) threesome with his wife. He asked; she wasn't interested. Both had limited sexual partners prior to marriage.

This one took awhile because I had to do a ton of research to give the best possible answer.

The friend has already asked his wife, but I'm going to backpedal a bit before answering. Let's pretend he hadn't asked her yet. 

Assessing the Variables

We'll start at the beginning- societal expectations. While this is a fairly common fantasy among men, our society has a pretty negative view of this particular flavor of swinging. While societal norms should never inhibit your sexual expression (as long as that expression is consensual, respectful of the participants, and safe), it will influence your partner's perceptions of the activity. This type of activity requires the participants to fully recognize sexual activity as a form of recreation, which is more difficult than it seems.

 Second, consider why you have this fantasy. Is it because you enjoy seeing your partner receive pleasure? Do you enjoy the role as a voyeur? Are you hoping it leads to further adventures where you can have sex with someone else? Is this an attempt to spice up a boring sex life? Is the relationship in trouble and this is an attempt to repair it?

The first reason is probably the best rationale, followed by the second. If you want this to happen for any other reason, you probably shouldn't do it. An activity that involves other people has a high potential for unexpected negative outcomes, and a healthy relationship with excellent, open communication is absolutely necessary. I'll talk about this in more detail later.

Second, it's a good idea to assess if this is really a fantasy you want to live. There are a myriad of problems that may occur, starting with unexpected jealousy. 

Jealousy is an emotion that's a lot like grief after someone close to you dies- you can't imagine exactly how it feels until you experience it. In the fantasies, your perception of jealousy is either going to be absent or greatly minimized. There are ways to accurately assess your jealousy before you recruit some dude to bone your wife. That starts by considering all the possible negative outcomes:

• What if the other guy is really good? Could you handle your wife getting pleasure from a more skilled lover?
• What if your wife falls in love with the other dude and leaves you? We're biologically designed to create a connection when having sex, which is the reason open, honest communication with her is necessary.
• What if the other dude has an STD or your wife gets pregnant? Picking a clean partner and practicing safe sex are obvious solutions, but it's something to consider.
• What if your wife wants out after it starts? How would you tactfully call it off?
• What if the dude immediately starts telling people about the activity? Could you handle your friends, relatives, and coworkers knowing?
• If it turns out to be a negative experience, how will it affect your relationship? If one of you hates it and the other loves it, then what?

Other issues to consider are self-esteem. How would this activity make you feel about yourself? How would it make your partner feel about herself? 

Also consider the reoccurring problems you have in your relationship. Will this make the problems worse?

How Do You Ask?

Okay, let's assume you considered all those factors. How do you go about asking your wife?  I wouldn't recommend just asking out of the blue. I would recommend discussing it in the context of a conversation about both of your sexual needs and desires. 

Oddly, most couples have a lot of problems discussing their sex life, especially if it involves adventurous activities. A sharing activity can be a good method to get the dialogue rolling. Each of you get a piece of paper. Write three sexual or intimate activities you'd like to try. Exchange the papers. Take turns explaining each item on the list, including why you'd like to try it. Each person can cross one thing off their partner's list, but agrees to try the other two at least once. Have a conversation about the rejected activity. Why is this the one they chose? Don't judge (or pout), but really listen to each other. Empathize with their feelings.

Do this activity about every month or so. After a few months, your sexual communication should increase dramatically. You will begin to fully understand why each of you has inhibitions about various activities. You will also begin to be more adventurous. Once you feel dialogue is excellent, come back to the idea. The key is to understand why she wasn't interested.

I would recommend starting somewhere besides "I want to see another dude fuck you." A good starting point may be watching some MMF porn. Afterward, talk about what you saw. How would you feel if you were two of the actors in the film? What turns you on about the idea? What turns you off?

You could also take it in steps. Go dancing. Let your wife dance with another guy. Later, talk about how it made both of you feel. If it was positive, gradually move to more adventurous activities- maybe some touching and kissing. The idea is to test the waters slowly, then have an open, honest discussion about your feelings after each step.

If she still resists after these steps, let the fantasy go. There are other possibilities, such as talking about the fantasy as foreplay or using a male blow-up doll together.

What if She Says Yes?

So you went through the steps outlined above. You ask her again. This time she says yes. Yipee!

Now what?

Hopefully you've discussed the possible pitfalls of doing this. If not, do that first. Let her discuss her worries; you do the same. Affirm your love for each other.

So... now you plan. The first decision would be the third person. Who do you choose? Should it be someone you know? A casual acquaintance? A close friend? A complete stranger?

All options have pros and cons. The decision should be based on mutual comfort... what would make both of you the most comfortable?

Next consider how to ask him. If it's a friend or acquaintance, I'd recommend asking during a conversation about kinky sex. If it's a stranger, there's a pretty good chance just having the opportunity to have sex will suffice.

The logistics of the act need to be taken into consideration. 

• Where will it occur? If it's a stranger, your home may not be a great option. 
• How will it start? Drinks at a bar first? Dinner? Just meet at a random hotel? 
• What happens during? What role will you play? Will you just watch? Will you be actively involved? Will you be touching the other guy? If that's on the table, make sure he understands that and is comfortable with the idea before starting. 
• What about afterward? If it's your first time, it's probably a good idea to have the guy leave soon so you can talk with your wife. Affirm your love, cuddle, and discuss your feelings honestly. Was it positive? Negative? What felt right or wrong? Would you consider this again and what would you do differently. Talk about feelings, especially jealousy and regret.
• If the other person were a friend, talk to them later. How do they feel about the experience? 

Where do We go from Here?

Afterward, it's important to discuss where you go from this point. If both of you had a good experience and feel this activity enhances your relationship, consider doing it again. If it seems to have too many negatives, it may be best to avoid it in the future.

If it was enjoyable, be careful about doing it too often. This advice could be used for any sexual activity. Repeating the same thing too often will result in a learned response, which I discussed in this post. You don't want to create a situation where a MMF threesome is the only way you get excited. Variety is a good thing; don't be a sexual one trick pony.

What are your thoughts? My response is based mostly on research and previous knowledge about human nature. I'd love to get comments from people that have actually had a threesome. Is this information accurate or am I totally off-base?

Remember, you can comment anonymously. Also feel free to contact me if you're not comfortable commenting on a public forum.

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What Predicts Great Relationships?

The good folks over at scienceofrelationships.com conducted a meta-analysis of research investigating factors that predicted relationship success, which is measured by stability. The factors were fascinating because they weren't necessarily intuitive. Here are the factors that affected relationship success:

• Commitment: Okay, this one is pretty obvious. The more committed each partner is to the relationship, the more stable it is. 
• Positive Illusions: This is a measure of how we view our relationship and partner. Do we think it is going well? Interestingly, how we view the relationship and our partner is more important than the actual health of the relationship. Here's a quick test- think of a situation that didn't go well. Did you blame your partner? If so, you probably don't have a positive view of them... or your relationship.
• Inclusion of Other in Self: This is a very simple measure. Go here. Which diagram best describes you and your partner? The greater the overlap, the greater the relationship stability.
• Love: No matter how "love" is measured, it's a reliable predictor of relationship stability.
• Network Support: This refers to how friends and family view your relationship. If they support the relationship, it will be more stable. If they do not, it will be more likely to end.

The authors of the meta-analysis also discussed variables that were weaker predictors, like:

• Relationship satisfaction: Even if we're not happy, we may still stick it out.
• Conflict: It doesn't really matter how much we fight... how we fight is more important.
• Personality: Our personality type doesn't really matter (NOT to be confused with personality similarity, which IS important).
• Attachment styles: How we attach ourselves to our mate isn't terribly important.
• Self-esteem: How we think about ourselves isn't consequential for relationship success.

What do you think? Do these seem like reasonable reasons couples stay together? Leave a comment!

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