The People that Exploit Those that Suffer from the Martyr Complex

My former student Dave (who happens to be an excellent student of human behavior) made an excellent observation about the martyr complex post. The comment warranted another post on the topic because this dysfunctional dynamic is so prevalent in relationships.

[For a quick primer on martyr behavior, check out this link shared by my friend Michael: The Martyr Victim Complex Described]

Dave talked about the fact that it's easy for others to exploit martyrs. Since their own needs are a very low priority and they derive pleasure from self-sacrifice, they rarely if ever say no. They will dutifully do whatever is asked of them. On the surface, the martyr seems like a great person. Their seemingly helpful, generous personality characteristics easily draw people in.

Unfortunately, that comes at a heavy price. The martyr is acutely aware of their exploitation, and expects recognition for their sacrifices. The exploiter rarely gives said recognition, however. Worse, the exploiter isn't willing to make the same sacrifices as the martyr. Both of these dynamics create intense anger and resentment within the martyr. Since the martyr gains their feeling of self-worth from their perceived sacrifices, they're powerless to change. 

What results is a vortex of negativity. The exploiter continues to use the martyr who willingly complies, but that complicit behavior creates overwhelming negativity. That negativity manifests itself in a variety of ways, but is never overtly attributed to the martyr behavior. After all, that behavior has to persist. The martyr can't stop being a martyr. The only way to break the cycle is to escape the situation. The exploiter has to separate from the martyr.

I grew up in an environment where martyrdom was the norm. So did Shelly. It took us a long time to recognize the martyr pattern and fully understand how and why it was so destructive. The difficult part of dealing with martyrs is disengagement. Martyrs will do anything you ask them to do, but the costs are monumental. It's extremely difficult to free yourself from a martyr.

Our solution is simply avoidance. As a result of our experiences, we appear to be fiercely independent. In reality, we're just hyper-vigilant about letting martyrs in our lives. Martyrs aren't always obvious... one the surface they may appear like genuinely nice, helpful people. Both of us hate when people do things for us unless we're absolutely positive they do not exhibit martyr tendencies. We both have an extremely strong aversion to anyone that appears to need attention, constant affirmations, are overly agreeable, compulsively want to "help", or seems too nice.

Why avoid those characteristics?

Those are the hallmark signs of the martyr. They need recognition for their sacrifices. Not all people that exhibit these characteristics are martyrs, but we're acutely aware of the difficulty of escaping the martyr trap. Observing people's long-term behaviors across a wide variety of situations will reveal the difference between martyrs and other non-martyr personalities.

As a result, we tend to surround ourselves with fiercely independent introspective people that seem to have a high level of self-awareness. These are the same characteristics we strive to instill in our children.

Is it overkill?

Perhaps. But experience has taught us a valuable lesson. It's tempting to get sucked into the martyr's world, but the cost is far too high. Martyrs don't change unless they recognize their behavior as dysfunctional... and that rarely happens. Martyrs see their behavior as evidence that they're good people... saintly even. In the unlikely event they are aware of their behaviors and the negative effects, the patterns are so deeply ingrained change is impossible without extensive therapy. The solution requires the martyr to learn an entirely new behavior pattern and constant vigilance to avoid regressing back to the dysfunctional behaviors.

My advice- avoid martyrs like the plague. If you are in a relationship with a martyr (romantic, friendship... whatever), you're probably trapped. If the relationship is valuable, they can change... but it requires a lot of work on their part. You can also learn to adapt to life with a martyr, but you'll be on a significant emotional roller coaster on a regular basis. If it's not a valuable relationship, it's probably best to move on. Life is too short to waste with those that breed negativity.

So what's a healthy focus we should all strive to accomplish? I would propose we should take are of needs in this order:

1. Take care of your own needs (feed yourself).
2. Take care of the needs of your significant other (feed your relationship).
3. Take care of your kids.
4. Take care of everything else of consequence (feed your job, religion, hobbies, friendships, etc.)

Fir yourself, strive to follow this order. It's okay to deviate if necessary. If your kid catches on fire, it's probably best not to finish that turkey sandwich. Strive for following this order most of the time. If you have a significant other that falls into the martyr pattern of behavior, encourage them to follow this order as often as possible. If the behavior is serious, consider professional counseling. It IS possible to overcome the martyr complex.

Does anyone have experience with the martyr complex? Do you have a martyr in your life? Are YOU a martyr? Share your story in the comments!

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The Martyr Complex: The Poison That Kills Relationships

In the post from a few days ago, I discussed an idea that will acquire and maintain your significant other's attention. In short, it was a very basic seduction technique. Yesterday I wrote about the difference between "good" and "bad" ways people influence their significant others. Today's topic explores another element of relationship dynamics- taking care of your own needs before you take care of others' needs versus playing the martyr role.

In the original post, an anonymous commenter objected to the idea by citing a situation where the concept seemingly wouldn't apply- the death of a child. I disagreed on the basis that it's necessary to take care of your own needs in order to put yourself in a position to be able to take care of others' needs, including a situation involving extreme emotions like grief. After all, this is the most fundamental advice given to people involved in any sort of crisis situation- make sure you take care of yourself first... you need the energy to take care of others.

One of the biggest problems in relationships is what psychologists call the "martyr complex." In short, it's a tendency to seek out suffering in the name of love or duty. People suffering from the martyr complex make unnecessary sacrifices at the expense of their own needs. Over the short term, this behavior appears to be helpful. In fact, our society rewards this behavior.

Over the long term, martyrs typically experience negative symptoms including psychological and physiological stress, resentment that others aren't making the sacrifices they're making, and displaced anger at the object they're focusing on. If they're in a relationship, it's not uncommon to ignore the partner and/or play the role of a victim.

Here are a few situations where the martyr complex rears its ugly head:

• New parents that take on most or all of the parenting duties.
• Long-term caretakers of the gravely ill.
• "Momma's boys."
• Employees that throw themselves into their job.

This is a very partial list; martyr behaviors are extremely common.

The problem with martyrs is they intentionally induce self-suffering by ignoring their own needs to meet the needs of others. Just like breathing or eating, we have a finite amount of time we can go without addressing our own needs. To make matters worse, the martyr will induce guilt with anyone that isn't willing to make their irrational masochistic sacrifices. They demand recognition for their martyr role and hold everyone else to the same unrealistic standard.

Normal, healthy people address their needs first, then address the needs of those around them. This is the only way you can maintain mental and physical longevity. Furthermore, it assures you don't pollute the relationships with those around you.

Shelly and I have a simple method to combat the martyr tendency. Since we're both prone to postpone our own needs to "power through" and get stuff done (usually related to caring for our kids), we call each other out. If the kids are especially annoying and I'm stressed, I need to get away from them. As soon as Shelly sees this, she tells me "Don't be a martyr. Go take a break."

It's a brilliant system. It keeps us personally sharp because we never experience the burnout and other negative emotions associated with the martyr complex. Resentment is rarely an issue because we communicate with each other. We keep each other from becoming martyrs.

We also extend this idea to our relationship. Many people put their kids first. We don't. We put our relationship first. Kids come next. First, we're FAR better parents when we can be a cohesive team which is built from the intimacy we develop when spending time together as a romantic couple.  Second, it assures we'll always be good role models for our kids by demonstrating good relationship behavior. 

If we're planning a date night, we go even if our kids cry and beg us to stay. We need our alone time and we're not about to fall into the martyr trap by putting our kids' "needs" before our own. 

The lesson- always be on the lookout for martyr behavior. If your significant other is playing the martyr role, talk to them. If you're doing it, change. You'll appreciate the results.

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Everybody Should Learn to Manipulate Their Partner

All human interaction involves at least some degree of manipulation.

Understand that idea and life gets a lot easier. 

In my last post, I gave a simple road map to become more attractive to your significant other via a classic seduction technique- alternate between periods of attention and inattention. 

An anonymous commenter referred to the tactic as "playing mid games." This isn't surprising, most people seem to have an aversion to the idea that our thoughts and behaviors have any tinge of persuasion. Unfortunately that perspective has two negative consequences:

1. It handicaps us in all our social interactions.

2. It makes us nearly powerless when others try to manipulate us.

I'm guessing most people reading this right now are telling themselves "Manipulate others?!? I don't do that!"

Ah, but you do. Here are some examples:

• Parents: Ever try to get your children to eat a new food or brush their teeth? You used manipulation.
• Employees: Ever try to get a raise from your employer? You used manipulation.
• People in couples: Ever try to convince you partner to have sex? You used manipulation.

Once we understand we use manipulation all the time, we can effectively drop the holier-than-thou moral objections and have an open, honest talk. Our goal shouldn't be to not manipulate our partner, but to use manipulation techniques that help the relationship as opposed to hurt the relationship. If it helps swallow the pill, you can exchange the term "manipulate" with "persuade" or even "influence."

Here are a few ways people use manipulation that results in negative outcomes:

• Complaining.
• Nagging.
• Inciting jealousy.
• Clinginess.
• Using guilt and/or shame as a persuasion tool.
• Using blame.
• Play the victim by becoming a martyr.
• Use of name-calling.
• Failing to accept your partner's flaws.
• Use of physical or emotional abuse as positive punishment (operant conditioning terminology).

All of these behaviors are extremely common in relationships, and all have unhealthy results. We could pretend we're not using manipulation when inciting any of these tactics, but it merely justifies their use. 

A better solution is to recognize each of these tactics for what they are- an overt attempt to manipulate the thoughts and behaviors of our partner. Once we recognize them as such, we can work to replace them with positive manipulative techniques. Some examples:

• Use of seduction (see previous post).
• Bargaining.
• Use of positive reinforcement.
• Use of classical conditioning (can be used for negative things, too).
• Mutual sharing of needs and desires.
• Learning to frame discussions with pro-relationship language.
• Compliments.

All of these tactics can be used to influence your partner's behaviors in a way that will ultimately help strengthen the relationship. Compare the two lists from above. Is there any doubt the latter list is far superior to the former list? 

Of course!

The latter list is just as manipulative as the former list, but makes use of tactics that will make your partner feel loved, build up their self-esteem, and bring you closer together. The "bad" list incites anger and resentment which ultimately creates a toxic environment. 

But wait, wouldn't it be better to just talk about these issues?

YES!

Open, honest communication and the use of positive manipulative techniques are not mutually exclusive. Shelly and I use these tactics on each other all the time. In fact, we often discuss how and when we use these tactics. In many cases, it results in more open communication. The net effect is overwhelmingly positive. Not only do we always get our needs met, we're in an excellent position to always make sure each others' needs are always met. 

The lesson- admit you use manipulative tactics in your relationship. Identify methods that have a net positive effect. Repeat those. Identify those methods that have a net negative effect. Stop using those. Learn more positive manipulative tactics. Practice them often. Your relationship will improve dramatically.

Thoughts?

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How To Save A Shitty Relationship: Be Subversive

So your relationship sucks. Your partner doesn't give you enough attention. Maybe they don't put out enough. You want to stay in the relationship, though. What are you to do?

Most advice seems to center around a few different themes, including:

• Improve communication (always a worthwhile goal),
• Change either yourself, your partner, or both (rarely works), or
• Do something to spice up the relationship. Reignite that spark. 

Let's focus on the last suggestion- spice things up. This advice is often given to the person in the relationship that's interested in improving things. Odds are good they're the one that's already investing more in the relationship, which isn't really making things better. Is it wise to up the ante and invest even more?

This advice ignores a fundamental element of human nature- the scarcity principle. The scarcity principle is based on the idea that we want what we can't have. That which is rare is good. It's the reason we pay so much for rare coins, Beanie Babies that look nothing like Princess Diana, and Bo Jackson rookie cards. 

In a relationship, consider the variable of attention. Each partner pays a certain amount of attention to the other.  The exact amount is dependent on each individual; all of us have different needs. As long as each person is paying enough attention to the other, things are good. When one partner doesn't pay enough attention to their mate, things go downhill. That "attention" can manifest itself in a variety of ways, from physical or emotional affection to interesting conversation to sex. 

Let's say we have a heterosexual couple where the woman isn't paying enough attention to the man. The standard advice would be for the man to do something dramatic, like a grand romantic gesture or something. Flowers. Dinner. Do more chores. Whatever.

The problem is scarcity. The man is already likely paying attention to the woman in an attempt to get her to pay attention to him. The woman is getting all the attention she needs. Adding more will actually drive her away, not cause her to pay more attention to him.

The man wants to feel more valued. Instead of paying her more attention, he should pay less attention. That will invoke the scarcity principle, which will cause her to want to pay more attention to him.

Why Does It Work?

The reason the scarcity principle works in this situation likely has to do with our own insecurities. When someone pays attention to us, we revel in the feeling. When they withdraw, it causes some cognitive dissonance. We unconsciously (or consciously) think we may have done something wrong. We question why they're pulling away. The natural reaction is to defend against that pulling away by showering them with attention.

Viola!

The man now gets the attention he needs. Problem solved.

An Actual Game Plan

So how exactly can you use this powerful method? It's harder than it seems because it requires you to ignore the person for a period of time, then shower them with affection, then pull away again. The pulling away will likely invoke feelings in insecurity in yourself as you may fear pulling away completely will cause them to pull away even more. Don't worry- if they're into you, they'll respond.

Start with day one. For two days, do your best to act cold and uninterested. Keep conversation to a minimum. Make sure it's boring. Avoid all physical contact. Act distracted, like you have something better to do. Continue this for two days.

On the third day, do the opposite. Act warm and inviting. Hug them. Kiss them. Rub their shoulders. Give them compliments. Do some of their chores. Maybe even buy them flowers or other such gift. Do that for two days.

On the fifth day, go back to being cold and distant, just like the first two days.

Repeat this cycle for a week or two if needed. After the first cycle or two, they should come around. The cycling will prove to be powerfully alluring and draw them in. Suddenly they'll find you more interesting. They will begin to crave being in your presence. They will begin to shower you with attention.

IMPORTANT: Don't tell them what you're doing. If they ask, make up excuses. We're really bad at recognizing emotional patterns, especially over the course of a week or two.

In the unlikely event the partner doesn't respond, you're in a bit of trouble. Odds are good the partner just isn't that in to you anymore. While it may be worthwhile to try to rescue the relationship via therapy or other means, don't be afraid to jump ship. Life's too short to expend time and energy on someone that won't give you what you need.

There you have it- a simple tool to get the attention you deserve. Give it a shot and repost the results here in the comments!

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The Political Correctness Disease: We're Too Damn Nice

Modern society fascinates me. Specifically, the methods we use to interact with each other fascinate me. In the name of political correctness, we've managed to sterilize our social communication. We're riddled with anxiety over potentially offending each other to the point where we can no longer effectively communicate emotion.

From a young age, we're taught to be respectful. Don't offend. Be humble. Polite. Timid, even. 

While this is nice and diplomatic and leads to a civilized society, it has one striking problem: It forces us to hide our dark side in a vault. 

All of us have multiple facets to our personality. These facets can be thought of as a spectrum moving from light to dark. The "light" side is kind, gentle, and respectful. It strives to help people; to do good in the world. It is democratic. It is cooperative and strives to please. Power is shared in an egalitarian fashion. This is the part of our personality that acts as a beacon of light to all those around us. 

This light side of our personality isn't entirely positive. It can also be whiny and easy to offend. It likes to complain and grovel. It's overly sensitive and cowers in the face of aggressiveness. It is weak, nervous, and passive. It passes moral judgment. It demands conformity. It is incapacitated with insecurity. It doesn't take unnecessary risks and often fails to take the initiative.

This is the element of our personality that is heavily reinforced by society. Over time, we're moving more and more toward this ideal.

The darker side of our personality is the polar opposite. It is bold, hedonistic, narcissistic, and sadistic. It craves power and influence. It doesn't care about offending and loves to take charge. It is assertive, thoughtless, and aggressive. It likes to inflict pain. This side of our personality preys on the weak and selfishly gets what it wants. This side of our personality loves pleasure.

This element of our personality is often punished in our present society. It's not politically correct. We're taught that it's bad. Indeed, we can't have a society if everyone let their dark side run free.

So What's the Problem?

A single-minded focus on the lighter side is boring. A single-minded focus on the dark side is chaos and anarchy. Our existence requires both elements. If one is unnecessarily subdued, there is no opportunity for variety. If there is no opportunity for variety, we become desensitized to the one we're exposed to repeatedly. Pleasure itself is great... until we get it all the time. Pleasure interspersed with pain gives us contrast, which keeps each sensation novel. The pain makes the pleasure better.

Since we systematically scrub our society of the dark side of our personalities, we only experience pleasure. We live in our comfy suburban houses, surround ourselves with material goods that help us with our chores, always have food on the table, have no physical struggles, are polite and civil to all those around us, and have gentle, loving sex with our partner we always respect.

And it sucks. 

It leads to neuroses. We secretly crave the darkness. We want struggle. We want to feel helpless. We want to feel pain. 

We're led to believe that the removal of struggle will result in lasting happiness. That idea is a sham. Happiness doesn't come from the absence of struggle and pain. Happiness comes from the contrast between pleasure and pain. 

Why did "50 Shades of Grey" become such a popular book? The writing sucked, the character development was weak at best, and the lame descriptions of sex sounded like they were written by a high school freshman. It was popular because it gave the public exactly what it craves- darkness. James tapped into a primal need that is sorely lacking in today's society.

I used to dabble in magic and hypnosis, which fit in with my psychology background. Hypnosis in particular was fascinating. Everyone wanted to be hypnotized. Why? Hypnosis supposedly opens the door to the cage that traps our dark side within us. It gives people free reign to let that dark side come out.

Of course, hypnosis isn't some mystical concept that actually lowers inhibitions or exerts "mind control" over the subjects. It's just a state of consciousness we fall into every time we fall asleep. It doesn't have special powers other than increasing your ability to focus on one thing. However, people believe hypnosis has special powers. As such, the lowered inhibitions are self-generated. We want to let our dark side out, and hypnosis gives us a convenient excuse.

[Sidebar- I'm available for parties No kids, please. :-) ]

How to Use This Idea to Enhance Your Life

Using this idea to your advantage is easy... don't bury the dark side to your personality. Let it out occasionally. Don't be afraid of allowing others to see it. Yes, it is scary. The fear of social rejection is instilled in us from an early age, and we've learned to hide our dark side. 

Paradoxically, the opposite will happen. The contrast will draw people in. It will enhance the relationships with those around you. 

You can use this for your personal relationships. If you have a mate:

• Initiate something unusual or interesting.
• Play the role of a dominatrix.
• Spend a day alternating between cold and standoffish and warm and inviting every 60 minutes.

Take the idea farther. Don't shy away from struggle. Occasionally do hard physical work. Hell, that's one of the reasons I run ultras... I like the experience of the struggle and pain. Here are a few ideas for occasional lifestyle experimentation:

• Go camping with nothing.
• Shut off your electricity for a day or two. 
• Fast for 24or 48 hours.
• Spend an entire day barefoot (subtle cross-marketing persuasion, huh?)
• Wear a blindfold for a day.

If you're really brave:

• Move to a smaller house. 
• Quit your high-paying job.
• Donate half of your possessions to charity.
• Run an ultramarathon within six months.

These are just a few harebrained ideas... but the picture should be clear. Don't hide your dark side. Not only will it enhance your own life, you will enhance other people's lives, too. Everyone around us craves people that are free enough to allow their dark side to emerge on occasion. Become that person. 

Couple this idea with the idea of seeking excitement and you have a recipe for a truly awesome life. Don't bother trying to find the right job, move up the corporate ladder, buying a new house or car, or traveling to the right destination. Seek occasional excitement and let your dark side roam free and your life will magically transform. I guarantee it. ;-)

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