Mismatched Sex Drives: How to Fix the Problem

Courtesy Frank's Photo Essays

Edit - this post has proven to be one of my most popular posts on the blog. Since writing it back in '12, my thoughts on the issue have expanded greatly. In fact, this post is what eventually motivated me to write No Bone Zone, which greatly expanded on these topics. If mismatched sex drives are a significant issue, I'd highly encourage my readers to check out a recent series on the nature of women, especially the fifth "The Nature of Female Desire" installment in the series.

I discussed this issue previously and gave a few options- live with the difference, get out of the relationship, or find another partner while still maintaining the relationship. The article was really more about assuring you find a partner with a similar sex drive than fixing a relationship where there's a significant discrepancy.

Mismatched sex drives appears to be one of the most common relationship problems we face. Data suggests about a third of all couples have a serious issue with libidos that don't sync. One partner wants more sex; the other partner wants less sex.

This difference usually creates a significant rift in relationships due to the resulting negative emotions generated in both partners. One person begs for sex, the other rejects them. Guilt, shame, resentment, anger, and feelings of inadequacy are common byproducts of this dynamic. Those feelings spread to every area of the relationship, and the toxicity usually either ends the relationship or assures year after year of bitter unhappiness.

The issue is complicated because there's rarely a simple solution. Magazines like Cosmo and Redbook offer dumb advice that isn't sustainable (dress seductively, light candles, masturbate, etc.)  Religion often plays the morality card and tells us to suppress our desires or submit to unwanted sexual advances. Self-help books give us pop psychology solutions that ignore the underlying dynamics.

Note- I basically give pop psychology advice, so I'm not knocking that approach. But my advice is better because it kills less trees. ;-)

For this explanation of our sexuality, I'm going to use the analogy of a poker game. At various points, you're dealt cards. Sometimes you'll be dealt new cards, discard some others, and decide what to keep and what not to keep. Some cards are easier to discard than others. Every time we have a sexual encounter, we play the hand we're dealt. We can play the cards in different ways but always get the same cards for each hand. 

Anyway, few "solutions" actually fix the problem of differing sex drives. The "fix" isn't really a cure so much as mutual understanding. Our sex drive is an elusive, fluid concept. The basic foundation was probably laid during early childhood or earlier. These are the first cards we're dealt. This is where our unique biology and social environment shaped ideas like how we see our bodies, if we were encouraged or discouraged to explore, or if shame and guilt will introduced and associated with sexuality. These are the cards that are exceptionally difficult to change... we usually can't simply discard them and get new cards.

Those early experiences were then dragged through adolescence where some behaviors may have been reinforced or punished. Those that were punished were likely suppressed and may have been manifested in other behaviors. These cards are easier to change, but still require work.

How sexuality is modeled also plays a role in the development of this foundation. The openness of our parents is a strong influence. Were they overtly affectionate and/or sexual? Did they hide their sexuality? Did they avoid sex? These cards are fairly easy to change. Parents also tend to instill our sense of sexual morality, which often comes from an external source like religion or society's prevailing sexual norms. We learn what is "good" and "bad." This morality will eventually influence our openness to cards that will come along in the future.

The media also plays a role by modeling sexuality. As a society, we tend to begrudgingly accept sexual references in the media, including advertising. We sense it is bad, but secretly (or not so secretly) enjoy seeing sexuality, so we do little to suppress sex in the media. Interestingly, it's not the display of sexuality itself that's bad... it's the display of bad sexual habits that's harmful. If you rely on the media to learn how to be a good lover, you're in trouble. Furthermore, the media promotes the idea that there's little difference between individuals. Men are often portrayed as sex-hungry dogs; women are often portrayed as either overtly sexual teases or wholesome, virginal girls next door that constantly defend themselves against unwanted male advances. These cards are very easy to change and have a lot less permanent influence over our beliefs and behaviors than we think.

At any point in those first 14-18 years, any sexually-traumatic experiences further influence our sexuality, which may associate a cocktail of sometimes conflicting emotions to our self-concept of sexuality. These cards can be nearly impossible to change without outside intervention.

All of these concepts result in the basic hand you'll play for the rest of your life. New cards will be added based on life circumstances, but you'll maintain the same basic hand you got dealt in those earlier years. 

So what life circumstances result in new cards?

• Jobs: We have a tendency to throw ourselves into our careers, with negatively affects our sexuality. 
• Kids: Having kids is stressful and results in the addition of new individuals that force couples to share attention and affection.
• Conflict: Fighting with your significant other can alter your relationship both temporarily and over the long haul.
• Body image: As we age, our bodies change. That may lead to insecurity and feelings of unattractiveness.
• Negative communication habits: Use of nagging and complaining deep-sixes sex drive due to repressed anger or resentment.
• Lack of variety: We all have different tolerances for boredom, which we'll reach at some point in a relationship unless both partners are open to continued experimentation.
• Health issues: Many health issues influence sex drive, usually for the worse.

There are countless other life situations that will result in being dealt different cards. Sometimes these cards are simply added to our hands from our early years; sometimes the cards replace the cards we were dealt previously.

It IS possible to get rid of undesirable cards... but some require more effort than others. Some may be close to impossible to eliminate without outside help. Be open to that possibility.

At this point, both partners have a handful of cards. When they have a sexual encounter, they play some of the cards in their hand. Ideally, both partners are going to win and the experience is overwhelmingly positive. Sometimes one partner wins and the other loses which is good for one but bad for the other. Occasionally both partners may lose and the experience turns out bad for both. 

If a couple has mismatched sex drives, one partner usually wins and the other loses. That can happen if the high libido (HL) partner initiates sex and the low libido (LL) partner consents. The HL wins and the LL loses. If the LL doesn't consent, the LL wins and the HL loses. 

We want to create a situation where both partners win despite their HL and LL status. The best way to accomplish this is to understand and acknowledge that each person is playing a different hand. Strive to understand why you have the specific cards in your own hand and communicate that to your partner. Have them do the same. The goal is to understand your own cards and understand their cards, too. Once we know which cards each one holds, we can then communicate which cards each can play so both win as often as possible.

When we take this approach, not only do we acknowledge our different sex drives, we communicate exactly how we can come to an understanding to bridge that gap. The potential solutions vary greatly and it will likely take some imagination to bridge the gap.

Part of this process is understanding that your own cards cause you to value sexuality for reasons that may be different from your partner. For example, we may use sexuality to:

• Relieve stress.
• Foster feelings of closeness to our partner.
• Experience the rush from an exciting experience.
• Satisfy an obsessive/compulsive-like thought and behavior process.
• Alleviate feelings of failure or inadequacy.
• Satisfy an addiction.
• Satisfy our need to please others.
• Satisfy our need to control others.
• Satisfy our need to feel loved and desired.
• Cum. Hey, it's not always complicated. ;-)

There are other possible meanings we attach to sex, but the key is understanding our meanings are dictated by the cards we hold. Our partner's meaning is also dictated by the cards they hold. Don't assume your partner has the same hand you have!!!! 

Personal Experiences

I usually don't like to go into too much detail on my own sex life, but this issue is important enough to pull back the curtain a little bit. Shelly and I both came from relationships where our partners had significantly lower sex drives, which contributed to the end of each respective relationship. We're intimately familiar with the issue of being the HL person. 

In our relationship, we're fairly evenly matched. Sometimes our libidos match up perfectly. Sometimes she's the HL person. If averaged out, though, I'd probably be the HL person in the relationship. It's a non-issue, though, because we do a great job of communicating needs and developing solutions.Here are some of the things we do to bridge the gap:

• Guilt-free masturbation. We both masturbate, acknowledge it, and even encourage it. While it's not a great substitute for shared sexual activity, it does the job. Sometimes one of us will masturbate in the presence of the other if only one is in the mood. It's far more intimate than masturbating in isolation, which often satisfies several needs at once.
• Foster variety: We're very open to experimentation and have adopted a "try it once" attitude. The novelty keeps things exciting, including what some would classify as "boring sex." As a side benefit, we've really learned how to please each other in a wide variety of ways. Phenomenal sex is a function of these variables, and we practice what we preach. If your partner isn't into experimentation, here are some tips that may help convince them to loosen up.
• Recognizing that sometimes the desire to have sex isn't about sex: Sometimes we want sex for reasons other than just sex. Maybe we want to feel reassured or need that intimacy. In those cases, other activities can be substituted for sex.
• Recognizing that sometimes the desire to have sex is only about having sex: Sometimes we just want to have a good, hard, animalistic fuck. Other times one of us may want a quickie. We recognize that neither one of us want a long, drawn-out session every single time.
• Recognize the power of seduction: Sometimes we intentionally ignore each other's needs to build desire. If one of us is in the mood and the other isn't, the one that's not in the mood will resist and subtly tease the other until we're both in the mood. This requires the understanding of the power of pulling away to bring you closer. Unfortunately many people have an aversion to this relationship dynamic. Here's a basic technique we use frequently.
• We acknowledge the influence of our instilled sexual morality: It would be inaccurate to say we don't have sexual morals. We're more likely to acknowledge we've learned some things are "good" and "bad" through various channels, then decide if we wish to be bound by said morals. Work to understand why you think various acts are "good" or "bad", then question if it's logical or not. 
• Harness the power of outside influences: We both acknowledge that we'll get turned on by other situations or people besides each other. Instead of being defensive, jealous, and angry, we embrace it.

Will these tactics work for all? Probably not. Remember, we all have different cards in our hands. So do our partners. The cards each of us have are based on biology, early life experiences, and life situations. We can change the cards through varying degrees of effort. We can bridge any gap in libido if we truly work to understand the cards we have in our own hand and communicate with our partner to understand the cards they have in their hand. 

 

What if the Idea Doesn't Work?

This goes back to the original post on differences in sex drive- what do you do if you can't negotiate that difference? Living with that gap is possible, but the resulting friction is going to pollute other areas of the relationship. In essence, the relationship is on a fast track to Shitty Town. Population: You. 

Many people seem to be more than willing to make that sacrifice (cough, cough, martyrs, cough), and use a litany of excuses to justify the decision. The most common rationale: We're staying together for the kids. They end up with a loveless, unsatisfying relationship. Is that really a good role model for the kids? Yeah, splitting up sucks... but is modeling a terrible relationship really a better alternative? It's something few people consider.

Another alternative is for the HL to find another partner. Society tends to frown on this practice, whether it's an extramarital affair or occurs with full knowledge from the LL. This rarely works out well, but may be a better alternative than drudging through life in a loveless relationship.

Conclusion

Based on messages I've received and comments posted here and on Facebook, many of my readers have issues related to differences in sex drives. If you're one of these individuals, consider this approach as a possible solution. Whether you're the HL or LL, this method should be a good tool to help open lines of communication and begin to bridge the gap. It probably beats the alternative solutions of living with unhappiness, immediately ending the relationship, or seeking love, affection, and sex elsewhere.

Since this topic affects so many people, help spread the idea that differences in libido can be managed. Share this specific post with anyone you know that may be struggling with the issue, whether they're the high or low libido person in the relationship.

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The Restraint Bias: We Don't have As Much Control As We Think

Ever wonder why some people will be vocal opponents of an idea, then it turns out they secretly supported the idea? 

For example, people like Mark Souter (abstinence and family values advocate caught having an extramarital affair), Randal Tobias (fought to cut US funding to countries that supported prostitution, was later confirmed as a client for the "DC madam"), Larry Craig (chastised Bill Clinton over Monica Lewinski, was later arrested in a Minneapolis airport restroom for soliciting in the men's restroom), David Drier (ardent gay rights opponent, was later outed after relationship with his male chief of staff) routinely publicly state one thing, then privately do the opposite.

Why this difference between overt beliefs and behaviors?

While a lot of explanations can be given, part of the explanation comes from an erroneous thought process all of us do- the restraint bias.

We dramatically overestimate our ability to ignore our inner drives and resist temptations. That inflated sense of control causes problems because we believe we believe we can avoid temptations. In many cases, we can... for a short period of time. Eventually we succumb to the temptations, however.

If that behavior conflicts with our beliefs, we experience an uncomfortable feeling called cognitive dissonance. Becoming outspoken opponents of the very behavior that tempts us is one method to alleviate that discrepancy between our behaviors and our beliefs. We're able to "forgive" our inability to resist temptation because we're helping to prevent others from the same behaviors. Also, being an outspoken opponent of the behavior reinforces the restraint bias- we think our advocacy will help us resist the inner temptations.

Of course it doesn't. Our inner drives are decidedly biological. Try holding your breath. Eventually the buildup of carbon dioxide will force us to begin breathing again, no matter how much "willpower" we think we have. The same rule applies to all drives- eating, need for love, need for belonging, need for sex... whatever.

A great deal of shame, guilt, and other negative traits can be directly attributed to this denial of biological needs. In short, denying our inner desires is a recipe for psychological instability. If we fail to acknowledge and act on our inner desires, we develop anxiety which pollutes every facet of our lives. Why are so many people so unhappy? Odds are good they're suppressing inner desires. They're relying on their ability to resist their temptations, which is inflated due to the restraint bias. Eventually the succumb to the desires, which causes extreme guilt.

Think of a person that's dieting. They resist eating cupcakes even though they really love cupcakes. They resist for a few weeks. One day, someone brings cupcakes to work. They try to resist, but eventually give in. In most cases, they'll rationalize the behavior beforehand to preserve their self-concept. Afterward they're riddled with guilt because they couldn't resist the temptation.

So how can we avoid this trap? 

The easiest way is to acknowledge their inner needs. Strip away morality and other judgmental processes. They are what they are. Instead of denying these desires, develop an acceptable way to indulge. Satisfy the needs. 

Great communication is one of the hallmarks of great relationships. Why? The relationship participants are free to honestly communicate their deepest desires which avoids that need-denial trap. 

If you're in a relationship where you enjoy such communication- great! Savor it. If you're not, work to develop that level of communication. If it's achievable, stick with the relationship. If not, either get out or accept that you'll always be stuck in the unfulfilled desire trap. 

If you're not in a relationship, start your next relationship on the right foot and foster excellent communication from the beginning.

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The People that Exploit Those that Suffer from the Martyr Complex

My former student Dave (who happens to be an excellent student of human behavior) made an excellent observation about the martyr complex post. The comment warranted another post on the topic because this dysfunctional dynamic is so prevalent in relationships.

[For a quick primer on martyr behavior, check out this link shared by my friend Michael: The Martyr Victim Complex Described]

Dave talked about the fact that it's easy for others to exploit martyrs. Since their own needs are a very low priority and they derive pleasure from self-sacrifice, they rarely if ever say no. They will dutifully do whatever is asked of them. On the surface, the martyr seems like a great person. Their seemingly helpful, generous personality characteristics easily draw people in.

Unfortunately, that comes at a heavy price. The martyr is acutely aware of their exploitation, and expects recognition for their sacrifices. The exploiter rarely gives said recognition, however. Worse, the exploiter isn't willing to make the same sacrifices as the martyr. Both of these dynamics create intense anger and resentment within the martyr. Since the martyr gains their feeling of self-worth from their perceived sacrifices, they're powerless to change. 

What results is a vortex of negativity. The exploiter continues to use the martyr who willingly complies, but that complicit behavior creates overwhelming negativity. That negativity manifests itself in a variety of ways, but is never overtly attributed to the martyr behavior. After all, that behavior has to persist. The martyr can't stop being a martyr. The only way to break the cycle is to escape the situation. The exploiter has to separate from the martyr.

I grew up in an environment where martyrdom was the norm. So did Shelly. It took us a long time to recognize the martyr pattern and fully understand how and why it was so destructive. The difficult part of dealing with martyrs is disengagement. Martyrs will do anything you ask them to do, but the costs are monumental. It's extremely difficult to free yourself from a martyr.

Our solution is simply avoidance. As a result of our experiences, we appear to be fiercely independent. In reality, we're just hyper-vigilant about letting martyrs in our lives. Martyrs aren't always obvious... one the surface they may appear like genuinely nice, helpful people. Both of us hate when people do things for us unless we're absolutely positive they do not exhibit martyr tendencies. We both have an extremely strong aversion to anyone that appears to need attention, constant affirmations, are overly agreeable, compulsively want to "help", or seems too nice.

Why avoid those characteristics?

Those are the hallmark signs of the martyr. They need recognition for their sacrifices. Not all people that exhibit these characteristics are martyrs, but we're acutely aware of the difficulty of escaping the martyr trap. Observing people's long-term behaviors across a wide variety of situations will reveal the difference between martyrs and other non-martyr personalities.

As a result, we tend to surround ourselves with fiercely independent introspective people that seem to have a high level of self-awareness. These are the same characteristics we strive to instill in our children.

Is it overkill?

Perhaps. But experience has taught us a valuable lesson. It's tempting to get sucked into the martyr's world, but the cost is far too high. Martyrs don't change unless they recognize their behavior as dysfunctional... and that rarely happens. Martyrs see their behavior as evidence that they're good people... saintly even. In the unlikely event they are aware of their behaviors and the negative effects, the patterns are so deeply ingrained change is impossible without extensive therapy. The solution requires the martyr to learn an entirely new behavior pattern and constant vigilance to avoid regressing back to the dysfunctional behaviors.

My advice- avoid martyrs like the plague. If you are in a relationship with a martyr (romantic, friendship... whatever), you're probably trapped. If the relationship is valuable, they can change... but it requires a lot of work on their part. You can also learn to adapt to life with a martyr, but you'll be on a significant emotional roller coaster on a regular basis. If it's not a valuable relationship, it's probably best to move on. Life is too short to waste with those that breed negativity.

So what's a healthy focus we should all strive to accomplish? I would propose we should take are of needs in this order:

1. Take care of your own needs (feed yourself).
2. Take care of the needs of your significant other (feed your relationship).
3. Take care of your kids.
4. Take care of everything else of consequence (feed your job, religion, hobbies, friendships, etc.)

Fir yourself, strive to follow this order. It's okay to deviate if necessary. If your kid catches on fire, it's probably best not to finish that turkey sandwich. Strive for following this order most of the time. If you have a significant other that falls into the martyr pattern of behavior, encourage them to follow this order as often as possible. If the behavior is serious, consider professional counseling. It IS possible to overcome the martyr complex.

Does anyone have experience with the martyr complex? Do you have a martyr in your life? Are YOU a martyr? Share your story in the comments!

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The Martyr Complex: The Poison That Kills Relationships

In the post from a few days ago, I discussed an idea that will acquire and maintain your significant other's attention. In short, it was a very basic seduction technique. Yesterday I wrote about the difference between "good" and "bad" ways people influence their significant others. Today's topic explores another element of relationship dynamics- taking care of your own needs before you take care of others' needs versus playing the martyr role.

In the original post, an anonymous commenter objected to the idea by citing a situation where the concept seemingly wouldn't apply- the death of a child. I disagreed on the basis that it's necessary to take care of your own needs in order to put yourself in a position to be able to take care of others' needs, including a situation involving extreme emotions like grief. After all, this is the most fundamental advice given to people involved in any sort of crisis situation- make sure you take care of yourself first... you need the energy to take care of others.

One of the biggest problems in relationships is what psychologists call the "martyr complex." In short, it's a tendency to seek out suffering in the name of love or duty. People suffering from the martyr complex make unnecessary sacrifices at the expense of their own needs. Over the short term, this behavior appears to be helpful. In fact, our society rewards this behavior.

Over the long term, martyrs typically experience negative symptoms including psychological and physiological stress, resentment that others aren't making the sacrifices they're making, and displaced anger at the object they're focusing on. If they're in a relationship, it's not uncommon to ignore the partner and/or play the role of a victim.

Here are a few situations where the martyr complex rears its ugly head:

• New parents that take on most or all of the parenting duties.
• Long-term caretakers of the gravely ill.
• "Momma's boys."
• Employees that throw themselves into their job.

This is a very partial list; martyr behaviors are extremely common.

The problem with martyrs is they intentionally induce self-suffering by ignoring their own needs to meet the needs of others. Just like breathing or eating, we have a finite amount of time we can go without addressing our own needs. To make matters worse, the martyr will induce guilt with anyone that isn't willing to make their irrational masochistic sacrifices. They demand recognition for their martyr role and hold everyone else to the same unrealistic standard.

Normal, healthy people address their needs first, then address the needs of those around them. This is the only way you can maintain mental and physical longevity. Furthermore, it assures you don't pollute the relationships with those around you.

Shelly and I have a simple method to combat the martyr tendency. Since we're both prone to postpone our own needs to "power through" and get stuff done (usually related to caring for our kids), we call each other out. If the kids are especially annoying and I'm stressed, I need to get away from them. As soon as Shelly sees this, she tells me "Don't be a martyr. Go take a break."

It's a brilliant system. It keeps us personally sharp because we never experience the burnout and other negative emotions associated with the martyr complex. Resentment is rarely an issue because we communicate with each other. We keep each other from becoming martyrs.

We also extend this idea to our relationship. Many people put their kids first. We don't. We put our relationship first. Kids come next. First, we're FAR better parents when we can be a cohesive team which is built from the intimacy we develop when spending time together as a romantic couple.  Second, it assures we'll always be good role models for our kids by demonstrating good relationship behavior. 

If we're planning a date night, we go even if our kids cry and beg us to stay. We need our alone time and we're not about to fall into the martyr trap by putting our kids' "needs" before our own. 

The lesson- always be on the lookout for martyr behavior. If your significant other is playing the martyr role, talk to them. If you're doing it, change. You'll appreciate the results.

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Everybody Should Learn to Manipulate Their Partner

All human interaction involves at least some degree of manipulation.

Understand that idea and life gets a lot easier. 

In my last post, I gave a simple road map to become more attractive to your significant other via a classic seduction technique- alternate between periods of attention and inattention. 

An anonymous commenter referred to the tactic as "playing mid games." This isn't surprising, most people seem to have an aversion to the idea that our thoughts and behaviors have any tinge of persuasion. Unfortunately that perspective has two negative consequences:

1. It handicaps us in all our social interactions.

2. It makes us nearly powerless when others try to manipulate us.

I'm guessing most people reading this right now are telling themselves "Manipulate others?!? I don't do that!"

Ah, but you do. Here are some examples:

• Parents: Ever try to get your children to eat a new food or brush their teeth? You used manipulation.
• Employees: Ever try to get a raise from your employer? You used manipulation.
• People in couples: Ever try to convince you partner to have sex? You used manipulation.

Once we understand we use manipulation all the time, we can effectively drop the holier-than-thou moral objections and have an open, honest talk. Our goal shouldn't be to not manipulate our partner, but to use manipulation techniques that help the relationship as opposed to hurt the relationship. If it helps swallow the pill, you can exchange the term "manipulate" with "persuade" or even "influence."

Here are a few ways people use manipulation that results in negative outcomes:

• Complaining.
• Nagging.
• Inciting jealousy.
• Clinginess.
• Using guilt and/or shame as a persuasion tool.
• Using blame.
• Play the victim by becoming a martyr.
• Use of name-calling.
• Failing to accept your partner's flaws.
• Use of physical or emotional abuse as positive punishment (operant conditioning terminology).

All of these behaviors are extremely common in relationships, and all have unhealthy results. We could pretend we're not using manipulation when inciting any of these tactics, but it merely justifies their use. 

A better solution is to recognize each of these tactics for what they are- an overt attempt to manipulate the thoughts and behaviors of our partner. Once we recognize them as such, we can work to replace them with positive manipulative techniques. Some examples:

• Use of seduction (see previous post).
• Bargaining.
• Use of positive reinforcement.
• Use of classical conditioning (can be used for negative things, too).
• Mutual sharing of needs and desires.
• Learning to frame discussions with pro-relationship language.
• Compliments.

All of these tactics can be used to influence your partner's behaviors in a way that will ultimately help strengthen the relationship. Compare the two lists from above. Is there any doubt the latter list is far superior to the former list? 

Of course!

The latter list is just as manipulative as the former list, but makes use of tactics that will make your partner feel loved, build up their self-esteem, and bring you closer together. The "bad" list incites anger and resentment which ultimately creates a toxic environment. 

But wait, wouldn't it be better to just talk about these issues?

YES!

Open, honest communication and the use of positive manipulative techniques are not mutually exclusive. Shelly and I use these tactics on each other all the time. In fact, we often discuss how and when we use these tactics. In many cases, it results in more open communication. The net effect is overwhelmingly positive. Not only do we always get our needs met, we're in an excellent position to always make sure each others' needs are always met. 

The lesson- admit you use manipulative tactics in your relationship. Identify methods that have a net positive effect. Repeat those. Identify those methods that have a net negative effect. Stop using those. Learn more positive manipulative tactics. Practice them often. Your relationship will improve dramatically.

Thoughts?

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