Saturday, April 11, 2015

Women, Explained: Part Nine - Advertising Sex Versus Maintenance Sex

Part OnePart TwoPart ThreePart FourPart FivePart 6Part 7Part 8Part 9Part 10Part 11

My original motivation to write No Bone Zone was the dearth of information regarding effective means of improving sex in the post-honeymoon phase of relationships. The decline in quality and quantity of sex is the single biggest complaint I hear from both men and women in long-term relationships, and the biggest reason has to do with a fundamental misunderstanding about the relationship between passion and intimacy. When a couple understands how that dynamic works and gets comfortable manipulating both, they gain the capability to produce both hot sex and tender intimacy at-will.

That capacity to generate passion at-will can be amplified even more if the couple understands and utilizes female hypergamy and desire, which is what leads female sexual desire to be the most useful tool in a woman's arsenal to attract and retain a mate. The easiest way for men to conceptualize this is to think of it like this: Women use two very general types of sex, "advertising sex" and "maintenance sex."

Advertising sex is wild, organic, uninhibited, sweaty, uncontrolled, intense, animalistic, and dirty. Both partners are totally into each other and the experience. It's fueled by a deep, uncontrollable passion. This is the kind of sex that makes you lose track of your surroundings, time, and even your sense of self. You get totally lost in the moment. Advertising sex is also involuntary; women cannot cue it up on demand. Men cannot request it, negotiate for it, beg or plead for it, or buy it with gifts or in exchange for chores. It's worth noting alpha male behavior is a powerful trigger for this involuntary response. Both men and women love advertising sex.

Maintenance sex is an entirely different animal. It comes from a place of obligation, not genuine desire. Maintenance sex can be warm and tender, but is less intense, often efficient, routine, and sometimes, kinda boring. Maintenance sex is often implicitly or explicitly negotiated. Women usually do it out of a sense of duty. Some examples might be a weekly scheduled romp while the kids are napping, a quickie before work, or a drunken fuck after the company Christmas party. While maintenance sex can be and is enjoyable for both parties, it gets old quickly if it's not mixed with the occasional advertising sex. 

Most long-term relationships follow a predictable pattern. The first few sexual experiences are a combination of hot passion mixed with a little clumsiness, then we settle into a groove of crazy-hot sex for anywhere from three to about twenty-four months. That's the advertising sex. From an evolutionary standpoint, it serves the dual purpose of attracting the male and producing a baby. 

After the hormonally-driven electrochemical neurotransmitter cocktail advertising sex of the honeymoon period, we fall into a pattern where oxytocin-fueled bonding occurs. The closeness of intimacy, which is necessary to keep the couple together to raise the aforementioned baby, defines the remainder of the relationship. And maintenance sex takes over. 

A handful of couples naturally seem to understand how to cycle passion and intimacy, thus never lose access to that occasional "advertising" sex. Not surprisingly, these couples also report their relationships as fulfilling and happy. In almost every case, these relationships feature relatively traditional gender roles, which makes sense. The male's alpha characteristics are what continually rekindle that advertising sex drive in the women, which leads to the occasional hot, passionate sex.

The rest of us, in all likelihood, fall into the beta male trap of believing that women are aroused by adulation and attention. We put women on a pedestal, give in to their every whim, and hope and pray they repay us with sex. And they often do. Since it's done out of a sense of duty, responsibility, obligation, or reciprocity, it lacks that carnal edge of advertising sex. This is the reason behind the "disappearing blowjob" trick married guys talk about frequently.

"My wife used to blow me all the time. I'd never have to ask, she just did it. Now? She treats my cock like it's a rattlesnake."

She used to give out frequent BJ's because she was driven by a powerful genuine sexual desire that made her a lot less inhibited. Later in the relationship? In the absence of that desire, blowjobs become just another chore to despise. 

[note - some women actually love oral. This is a fetish; giving oral excites her. These girls aren't going down on guys to please the guy; they're going down on guys to please themselves. And yes, these girls are as rare as unicorns.]

In the past, I've written that women love sex just as much if not more than men. There's an important qualifier for this statement, however. Men's sex drive is pretty simple; it doesn't take much for us to get in the mood. We can cue up our animalistic sex drive at will, usually in response to a woman's "advertising sex." Women can't do that. Women require that desire to be drawn out. In fact, that's why there's so much interest in a "female Viagra." Women in long-term relationships desperately want to want their husbands and boyfriends, but they have no idea how to make that happen. A pill would solve that mystery. 

So What Is The Mystery?

How do you make a woman want to have enthusiastic sex with you? I had been trying to solve that mystery pretty much since I started having sex. I've easily spend thousands of hours researching the topic. During that time, I've tried countless things including:

  • Buying flowers, candies, jewelry, etc.
  • Complimenting
  • Begging
  • Negotiating chores
  • Planning and executing grand romantic gestures
  • Romantic get-aways
  • Soft-core porn
  • Hard-core porn
  • Strip clubs
  • Improving my sexual techniques
  • Spending time together
  • Cuddling
  • Massage, erotic and otherwise
  • Inclusion of sex toys
  • Role-playing
  • And finally - I just asked them what turned them on.
Sometimes some of the ideas worked, but not with enough regularity to cause an "Ah ha! THIS is the answer I was searching for!" revelation. Asking women what turned them on seemed even more fruitless. The answers I received were all over the place, including many of the items from my list. Some even gave a stupidly-vague answer - they were turned on by a man that didn't have to ask what turned women on.

If you've read the entire Women, Explained series, you know that stupidly-vague answer was spot-on. The ability to ignore what a woman says and understand what she needs based on nonverbal communication is THE single most valuable alpha trait a guy can possess. It means that guy is confident, assertive, decisive, and understands the intricate nuances of human behavior. Remember, if a woman has to ask for something, it is worthless to her. Alphas don't have to ask; alphas know. And that makes them valuable. And it's insanely sexually-arousing for women. 

So why don't all women just tell us this? 

Because this is a test. 

Remember, hypergamy is all about attracting the highest value male possible. As such, women needed to evolve methods to assess the value of a male. Overt methods don't work because the dude can simply lie. The answer is for women to have developed covert methods. I'll talk about these tests in detail in the next post. For now, just know this:

Women use advertising sex to secure the best alpha they can secure.  

It's important to note even betas get this advertising sex in the beginning, because it's used to draw men in. However, the strength of the response increases as a function of "alpha-ness." This explains the "my wife did what in college?!?" scenario. This happens when a beta male marries a woman, they start the relationship with decently passionate advertising sex, then the intensity wears off until they're left with maintenance sex. The beta husband, usually through ex-boyfriends or his wife's friends, hears stories about her wild younger days when she did FAR kinkier things with other men than she ever did with him. Guys tend to get angry at that. After all, shouldn't she have saved her best sex performances for her soul mate?

The guy fails to realize her sexual desire isn't stoked by her lifelong commitment to his passive-but-dedicated beta self. Her sexual desire was stoked by the hot, assertive men from her past. Instead of getting bitter and resentful, the beta husband should rejoice. Why? Because of hypergamy.

Hacking Ovulation for Hot Sex

Per the rule of hypergamy, a woman is going to seek out the highest value mate she can, and that value is measured by genetic superiority (craving alphas) and the need for security (craving betas.) Since alpha and beta characteristics tend to be mutually-exclusive, men that possess and can use both are extremely rare (and valuable.) The other operative characteristic of hypergamy is persistence. Hypergamy doesn't get shut off when a ring slides on her finger. Women will continue to measure the man (or men) in her life after they've made a commitment. For men, that means we never get a break from qualifying for a woman's love. That sucks. However, it also means it's really easy for a beta to learn to be an alpha situationally to get hot sex along with the standard maintenance sex.


It starts with understanding ovulation. When women are about to ovulate, they get horny. More specifically, they get horny for alphas. They get more flirty, dress more provocatively, walk and talk in a way that oozes sexiness, and their body actually shows symptoms of mild arousal (like flushed cheeks, dilated pupils, etc.) It's subtle, but men can detect this subconsciously. If you've ever found yourself drawn to a woman you're not normally interested in and you have no explanation, this is probably what's happening. The evolutionary purpose of this is for the woman to get some alpha sperm to make alpha babies. Again, it's important to note this effect does not go away after a woman commits to a man. 

Anyway, during the luteal phase of a woman's menstrual cycle, she's more attracted to betas. From an evolutionary perspective, this encourages bonding with her mate... which may or may not be the same man that stimulates her ovulatory love of alphas. It should go without saying, but this sex inspires closeness and intimacy and is of the maintenance variety. During the luteal phase, a woman may get aroused by a very high value alpha, but it's far less intense than during ovulation.

For dudes, it's pretty easy to hack this system by adopting alpha characteristics near ovulation to feed that advertising sex drive, then revert back to beta characteristics afterward. Hot sex near ovulation, then cuddly sex in between. Wash, rinse, repeat.

In fact, this can actually make a good test to see if your wife or girlfriend sees you as her alpha. When she's ovulating, does she initiate sex? That's a really good sign. If not, is she into it if you initiate (more aroused than when she's not ovulating)? That's a pretty good sign. Does she ignore you and plan a girls' night out? That's a really bad sign.

This isn't the only hack that can be used. The passion and intimacy post I liked to at the beginning of this post explains how a couple can alternate between the two states to create the same effect, but it relies on a little more insidious purpose of the advertising sex arousal. You see, women also use advertising sex to ward off competitors. If a woman senses another woman may be attempting to poach her man, OR she may fear the relationship is in trouble (this is the basis of make-up sex), that triggers the same advertising sex drive. 

No Bone Zone is filled with strategies to accomplish this, most of which use the principle of distance and/or sexual jealousy. For example, don't speak to each other for 24 hours. Or have one person sleep on the couch. That distance can be enough to stoke that desire in the woman. If that's not enough, a couple can experiment with things like flirting with others, dancing with others, or dabble in social sexuality (aka - swinging.) 

All of it works on the same principle - that intense "advertising sex" desire can be elicited when the woman perceives relationship trouble. Here's the weird thing - this response is involuntary AND still happens even if the woman is fully aware the situation is being fabricated. The woman can actually initiate it ("Hey honey, go flirt with that girl over there") and she will still be just as aroused as she would be if she wasn't initiating. This is the mechanism at work when swingers say they swing not just to have sex with other people, but because it dramatically enhances the passion of the sex with their partner. 


Women have different sexual responses based on the individual involved and the situation. Those sexual responses can be classified as "advertising sex" and "maintenance sex" as each one serves a purpose. Both men and women love advertising sex, but neither sex is especially good at recognizing the true cause of that desire. Learning what causes it allows us to learn to be able to initiate it at will, which immediately transforms a boring or nonexistent sex life into an occasionally wild but deeply fulfilling experience that enhances relationships.


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