Taking and Setting Your Emotional Temperature: A Handy Communication Tool

Communication between significant others can be difficult at times. Shelly and I use a useful tool on a regular basis- emotional temperature (ET.) We use a slightly less formal version than the idea I'll toss out below, but it's still exceedingly effective. 

The goal is to assess how we currently feel about our relationship. This always leads to a discussion of what we're both feeling, both positive and negative, and what may be causing the feelings. Since we both have a history of unhealthy coping mechanisms, this helps keep us from falling into the self-destructive behavior patterns of the past. In essence, it prevents the buildup of anger, resentment, disappointment, and a host of other negative emotions that plague relationships.

A more formal version can be used, especially in the beginning. Any couple could use the following seven point scale (hey look, a Likert scale!*):

1. Frozen: You have total and complete indifference to your partner. You do not show any love/warmth/attention to them other than for day-to-day needs. When they say 'I love you" you ignore them. You don't initiate any conversation that is not logistics/schedule related. Your response when they initiate conversation about anything else is aimed at "ending" the conversation as soon as possible.
2. Very cold: You give minimal response when they show you love. You give very brief responses to their attempts to talk to you.
3. Cold: You respond to "their" loving overtures, but with a little less enthusiasm than they are showing you. You don't initiate any loving gestures.
4. Room Temperature: You mirror their emotional affect. When they are warm and loving you give it back. When they are reserved/not initiating loving gestures, you don't make an attempt to initiate any loving response.
5. Warm: You initiate some loving stuff but let them do most of the work.
6. Hot: You initiate most loving gestures, initiate most conversations, and give your partner frequent attention.
7. Blazing: This is where you are initiating almost all loving gestures/kind acts in an aggressive fashion. This is actively and overtly doing everything in your power to sweep them off their feet. They are the center of your universe.

Each partner can share their current "number" with each other, then discuss why they're at that particular number. The goal isn't to magically arrive at the the highest number possible, but to communicate how you feel and why you feel that way. In other words, the "emotional temperature" scale is a tool to gain a deeper understanding of both yourself and your partner.

The "emotional temperature" concept is more of a thermometer, not a thermostat. It measures how you feel; it doesn't change how you feel. HOWEVER, once we begin to understand our deepest feelings, we realize we have some power to control how we feel. We're in the driver's seat. If we're currently at a "2", we can take steps to move up to a higher level.

Far too many treat relationships as if they're a lifeboat without oars aimlessly floating around the open ocean. They act as if they're completely at the mercy of the wind and currents, then wallow in the negative self-pity and helplessness they've created. Realizing you have control over how you think, feel, and act is incredibly powerful and will immediately improve a bad relationship. Helping your partner realize the same will often eradicate most relationship problems.

Game Time!

Once you master the idea of using the scale as a tool to aid communication, it can be used to have some fun. Remember the seduction post? Seduction is nothing more than intentionally moving up and down the emotional temperature scale. Some people will strive to always be a "6" or "7." 

That's a mistake.

While everyone loves being the center of attention, we DO habituate to it. Giving your partner flowers is a great affectionate gesture. Giving your partner flowers every day for six months gets old. 

For animal lovers, the goal is to be a cat, not a dog. 

To use the ET scale for seduction, just vary things up from day to day. Some days you can be a 3. Other days you can be a 5. The farther you get to either end, the less you should use it. For example, don't toss out the 1's or 7's very often. Spend most of the time closer to room temperature.

The cool thing about this game is it works even if your partner knows what you're doing. That's the beauty of great communication- you can intentionally manipulate attention to make each other more interesting without the underlying resentment that would result if each knew it was just a game.

###

* Experimental psychology joke

Sex and Aggression: Innate Drives or Learned Behaviors?

Few people would argue sex isn't an innate drive. We crave it. Why? Based on research, we know sex is rewarding on a variety of levels. Also, it's needed for the survival of our species. The evolutionary value is unquestioned.

But what about other human behaviors like aggression? Could we have a drive to engage in aggressive behavior? In some cases, it could serve an evolutionary function like defense of territory, hunting for food, or protecting young. It can also backfire if we're killing each other.

In an attempt to answer this question, some researchers conducted a fascinating experiment involving mice. They manipulated their environment then played with the brain chemical dopamine (same neurotransmitter that makes us feel really good). They found that blocking dopamine decreased the likelihood of mice engaging in aggressive encounters. In short, aggressive behavior was rewarding. The researchers speculated that a similar mechanism could explain why humans engage in aggressive behaviors.

Why would we have these aggressive tendencies? There's a pretty good chance they served an evolutionary purpose. 

Based on this idea, it is easy to see why events like the recent Connecticut shooting have taken place- we're innately aggressive.

Or are we?

Like any question in science, there's support for both sides of any issue. Alfie Kohn, the author I discovered as a teacher, wrote an excellent piece summarizing the argument and supporting evidence that humans are not innately aggressive. This is a MUST READ. I really like Kohn's point about more "advanced" societies being more violent, which hints that aggression could be a function of the individualistic/materialistic lifestyle we choose to live here in the United States.

Personally I think this issue is far more important than issues like gun control. This hits at the very heart of our destructive behaviors, especially when answering the question of why.

If aggressive behaviors are innate, we can take steps to redirect the behaviors in a more socially-acceptable way.

If aggression is learned and engaging in aggression just promotes more aggression, we can take steps to become more peaceful.

For example, how should we treat violence in the media? If aggression is innate, slasher flicks could alleviate those violent tendencies and would have a positive effect on society. If aggression is learned and increased by exposure to violence, slasher flicks would have a negative effect on society.

Unfortunately there's strong evidence supporting both positions. Pundits use said information to promote their agenda, but they're doing so from a position of ignorance. Once we answer that question of the origins of aggression, we can go about actually reducing incidents of aggression. Until we do, any steps we take to curtail violence may actually make the problem worse.

###

"I Suck at Sex": Things We Never Hear

A few days ago a friend made a comment on Facebook about being pretty good in bed. For whatever reason, the comment made me think about our self-perception of our sexual prowess. I couldn't recall too many examples of people admitting they weren't very good at sex.

I'm going to eliminate sexual rookies from the discussion because their inexperience is almost always going to affect their self-perceived abilities. 

A quick search of the 'Web brought up this post at Guyspeak.com. The author came to the same basic conclusion I did... nobody seems to think they're bad at sex.

This isn't entirely surprising. As much as we like to think Americans have rather poor self-esteem, we're actually ridiculously self-confident. We consider ourselves to be above average at anything and everything... except for a few isolated things we acknowledge that we suck at. It's just enough to create slight humility to offset our otherwise oversized egos.

Anyway, sexual prowess is the one thing that never seems to fall in that "I suck at this" category. People will use partner feedback and their ability to replicate skills observed while watching porn (or other sources) to affirm their abilities. Of course this feedback loop is inherently flawed. We don't have too many partners that will bluntly tell us "Wow, you're a terrible lover." And porn? You'd be better off doing the exact opposite of the techniques the actors use. If you ask anyone that's had multiple partners, it's clear some are better than others and they range from excellent to terrible.

So does everyone think they're good in bed, even those that are terrible?


Not necessarily. 

I've actually known a few people that have claimed they're not very good at sex. Why? In every case, the individual actually studied sexuality. As a student of sexuality, they were acutely aware of their own lack of knowledge. They may study some of the same sources as other people, but instead of believing they know everything, they're aware of how little they know.

It's no different than the college experience. Some people graduate from college and believe they have all the answers. They spend their days flaunting the knowledge they gained, blissfully unaware that their experiences were merely the tip of the iceberg. They shut themselves off from learning new stuff because they believe they're already well above average.

Others graduate college with a different perspective. They're acutely aware of just how little they know because they're vaguely aware of the giant chasms in their knowledge base. They recognize they only acquired a minuscule fraction of all the information floating around in our universe.That void fuels an insatiable thirst for knowledge, which ends up proving them with a far superior body of knowledge than the other group.

For whatever reason, most people take the latter approach when self-assessing their sexual skills. They believe they have superior skills because they're blissfully unaware of their lack of knowledge. The handful of people that have willingly admitted they're not very good at sex recognize their sexual knowledge is extremely limited relative to all that can be known.

The paradox, of course, is that the "I'm not very good at sex" group is actually significantly better than the "I'm great at sex" group because they recognize their deficiencies and seize every possible opportunity to learn all they can.

How can this help you?

It's easy- recognize that all of us aren't as good as we could be. Become a lifelong student of sexuality. Study thinks like interpersonal attraction, anatomy and physiology, and the psychology of seduction. Understand motivation and desires. Read published sexuality research, websites, and sexuality blogs. Recognize variability among individuals or the idea that we all like different things. Familiarize yourself with the wide variety of sexual activities humans practice. Understand your own thoughts and feelings about sexuality. Consider your own inhibitions and how and where your sexual morality comes from.

Regarding the FB comment that stimulated the entire thought process- I suspect that person actually is quite good given the way the conversation played out.

What do you think? Do you know people that claim to be great at sex, but really fall short? Tell us the story (no names, of course!) How about people that claim to be good and actually are? Do you know anyone that claims to be bad at sex? 

Leave a comment!

###

Overcoming Inhibitions and the Role of Morality: Learn to Loosen Up

Inhibitions are feelings that makes one self-conscious and unable to act in a relaxed and natural way.

Morality is the differentiation of intentions, decisions, and behaviors between those that are right or wrong, often thought of as deciding between "good" and "bad."

The inhibitions we feel toward our sexual expression are usually the result a blending of our previous sexual experiences and our sense of morality. I touched on the ingredients with my playing card analogy in the mismatched libido post from a few days ago. I didn't go into much detail about morality, though.

Note- The point of this post isn't to promote one belief system over another or argue about specific morality... you can choose to classify anything as "right" or "wrong." This post is geared toward those that have learned something is "wrong", later changed their minds, and are struggling to overcome the resulting inhibitions.

Our morality, or our sense of right and wrong, develops over the course of our lifetime. Sometimes our moral development is based on a preset system like organized religions. Other times it's based on the social rules that govern our particular society. Parents play an obvious role, as do our friends. The media even plays a role in moral development.

Over time, the process we use to decide right and wrong changes. Larry Kohlberg produced one of the most comprehensive frameworks to understand how we develop morality over time, which is an extension of Piaget's work. As small children, we have a concrete view of right and wrong based on rewards and punishments. As we age, we begin to factor in motives. Eventually we begin to see the influence of behaviors on others, then all of society. Some people continue to develop and make moral judgments based on abstract concepts like justice.

Anyway, our sense of morality greatly influences our sexual expression in the form of inhibitions. Some activity may interest us, but we feel inhibited because at some point we learned that activity was "wrong." That discrepancy between our thoughts and behaviors causes an uncomfortable psychological feeling known as cognitive dissonance. This feeling is usually expressed as anxiety and/or fear. That cognitive dissonance manifests itself as inhibitions.

The fear and anxiety usually comes from social rejection. We worry about what our partners, friends, or family will think of us. Will they still love us? The fear could also be a fear of punishment that could have been instilled in childhood or a more diffused fear like going to Hell. This fear will also likely pop up after a behavior and take the form of shame or guilt. All of these issues can be addressed using a variety of methods.

So how do we lower those inhibitions that result from morality?

The most common advice is to "just get over it." Unfortunately if it were that easy, it wouldn't' be an inhibition. Having said that, most people will lose their inhibitions in the right environment. That fact gives us hope... you can conquer inhibitions. Here are some better solutions:

Acknowledging the inhibition is the result of a moral decision can go a long way toward breaking the shackles of cognitive dissonance. Understanding the source allows us to analyze where the moral decision came from and what motives were behind it.

In some cases, we may recognize other people may have instilled that specific moral judgment because of their own insecurities. In other cases, we may come to see that the specific moral judgments were instilled to control us or repress us in some way. This is common for women that were raised in a patriarchal religion.

Once we understand the inhibition and underlying moral code, we can begin processes that will break down the inhibition. The following is a list of techniques that can be used separately or in combination to break down morality-based inhibitions.

• Alcohol: Alcohol is a great truth-revealer. On a chemical level, it slows down the part of our brain that control inhibitions. When we drink, we strip away the facade and reveal who we really are. Alcohol doesn't make people do crazy shit; alcohol allows your true crazy self to roam free. Alcohol is an excellent method to lower inhibitions... except it usually doesn't do so permanently. It does nothing to reduce the guilt and shame felt after the effects wear off. Because of that, think of alcohol as a tool, not as a solution.
• Systematic desensitization: This is an "easing into it" solution. Slowly introduce any particular behavior over a long period of time. Let's say we want to experiment with anal sex. Start by reading about it (educate ourselves on the ins and outs of the butt). Then watch some anal porn (don't replicate their behaviors, though). Then experiment with touching the anal area. Move on to inserting a finger. Then move up to a toy like a butt plug. Finally move on to a penis (if that were the goal). By breaking down the behavior in stages, we can tackle the "this is bad" feelings and anxiety a little bit at a time, which will eventually lead to a breakdown of the inhibition.
• Flooding: This approach is pretty much the opposite of systematic desensitization. Instead of easing into it, we're jumping in head-first. Let's say we want to eliminate the inhibition of public nudity. We'll overcome the anxiety by dancing naked at a party. It's going to cause an extreme bout of anxiety (manifested as terror), but that's the point. The human body can only maintain that high level of anxiety for a finite amount of time (usually 10-20 minutes) before exhaustion sets in. Once exhaustion sets in, we relax. Once we relax, our brain accepts the behavior. We'll be unlikely to experience the anxiety next time we do the behavior. The key to flooding: We can't escape the behavior while we still feel terrified. That will only increase our anxiety.
• Distraction: Our brain's ability to pay attention is limited. If we engage in a behavior that causes anxiety, we can reduce the anxiety by focusing on something else. Let's say we're afraid of having sex with the lights on. A simple solution is to distract ourselves by The novelty of not seeing will distract us from the anxiety of having the lights on. This specific example is especially effective since we can't see... it makes us feel invisible which alleviates some of the specific anxiety of this particular inhibition.
• Role-playing: Role-playing is a method of temporarily re-framing ourselves as someone else. We're becoming an actor. When we're pretending to be someone else, we free ourselves from our inhibitions. If we're pretending to be a police officer, maid, or UPS driver (heh), we can engage in behaviors we wouldn't otherwise try. The single best role-playing scenario I'd suggest- play a prostitute. Why? It sets up sex acts as a business proposition. Let's say we want to try doggie style, but feel to inhibited. Regardless of which role we play (male or female), if we're paying or being paid for it, the inhibitions disappear. I'd suggest going as far as exchanging real cash (no checks, please).
• Talk to your partner: Our inhibitions are often based on the fear of being rejected by our partner. It keeps us from talking about (and acting upon) our deepest fantasies. As simple solution, which I've shared before, is to exchange a "desire list" once every few weeks. Both partners write three or four desires on a piece of paper. Exchange lists. Discuss each item on both lists. Partners can cross off one item they don't want to do. Over the next few weeks, do the remaining items on the list. This is a excellent non-threatening way to open lines of communication about sexuality.
• Relabel/ reframe yourself: Role-playing temporarily reframes our self-perception by suspending our inhibitions. It's possible to make these changes permanent just by reframing who we are. Let's say we were raised in a strict religious environment where sex was associated with shame and guilt. The result is severe anxiety. We continually see ourselves as the product of our upbringing. If we make a conscious decision to see ourselves differently, our inhibitions will decrease. I'd recommend adopting the exact opposite personality- be a slutty hedonist that focuses on nothing but pleasure. We don't actually become a slutty hedonist, but thinking like one will cause our inhibitions to disappear. Hypnotists make a fortune by capitalizing on this idea of reframing the self... they just use the power of suggestion to help us believe it's possible.
• Break down smaller inhibitions first, celebrate victories. Work toward stronger inhibitions: All of us have some stronger inhibitions and some weaker inhibitions. If we start with the weakest first and eliminate them (using any other method from the list), we set ourselves up to eliminate all of our inhibitions. To use this method, we can make a list of the things we wish we could do. Then we rank them based on the anxiety we feel toward the activity, lowest anxiety first. Then we just go down the list. Eliminate the first inhibition first, then we reward ourselves with something we love (shopping, food, a day at the beach... whatever).
• Imagery + rewards: This is an old sports psychology technique that works well with sex, too. Pick an inhibition you want to eliminate. Find a dimly-lit, quiet place. Relax. Close your eyes. Imagine doing the behavior, then immediately imagine something you love doing. You're imaging being rewarded for the anxiety-producing behavior. The mental association between the two eventually causes the inhibited behavior to stop producing the anxiety response.
• Learn to think less and act more: As humans, we're plagued with meta-cognition. We can think about thinking. This makes it nearly impossible to just do something without engaging in some form of analysis. Admittedly some people are better than others at thoughtless action. It can also be trained. If we just jump in and do something immediately, we don't give ourselves the chance to think about the consequences. This is the exact opposite behavior we're taught from a very early age... but has great value. Practice doing things spontaneously without thinking of what others may think. Just do it. If we start with non-sexual behaviors first, it's easier to learn this technique. Tim Ferriss gave a good example in "The 4 Hour Work Week." He'd spontaneously lie down in a public place. It's a really odd behavior and people are going to judge you. The value comes from the spontaneity of doing it without thinking. Do it enough and we build the "courage" to bring this spontaneity to the bedroom.
• Classical conditioning: This basic form of learning has all kinds of sexual uses, which I discussed in this post. Overcoming inhibitions is another use. In this case, we're going to turn a neutral stimuli into a pleasurable stimuli, then apply it to our inhibited behaviors. I like music because it's easy to use in a variety of situations. Find a good song. Listen to it (on repeat if necessary) while masturbating. Make sure you orgasm. Repeat 10-15 times over the course of a few weeks. By the end, the song itself should cause immediate arousal. Play this song while preparing for and engaging in the inhibited act. The feelings of intense arousal will overshadow the feelings of anxiety, thus letting you do the inhibited behavior. This technique can be combined with several others... think of it as an enhancement tool.
• List fears, actualize worst-case scenarios. Discuss: The fear of the unknown is scary as Hell. Most inhibitions are the result of a vague fear. We can overcome this fear of the unknown by listing our fears. Do one at a time. Brainstorm the worst-case scenario that could result from the behavior. Discuss that scenario with your partner (or consider it yourself depending on the situation). Figure out what you would do if the worst-case scenario were to come true. Once we identify that outcome and develop a plan should it occur, our anxiety decreases dramatically. Shelly and I used this technique to make the decision to quit our jobs and travel the country... and it worked like a charm. The same tactic can be invaluable when applied to our sex lives.
• Spend time around those that have fewer inhibitions: If your free time is spent in Bible study discussing why God punishes people for your sexual activities, it shouldn't be a surprise if you have a lot of inhibitions. Conversely, surrounding yourself with uninhibited people will lower your own inhibitions. Surround yourself with people that have a crazy streak.
• Embrace YOLO. Yes, the term is overused and often used as a rationale to do self-destructive behavior. It DOES make sense, however. You're going to die one of these days... maybe even tomorrow. Do you really want to go through live repressing your deepest desires? What's the point of repressing your desires? Hope someone delivers you a "world's greatest martyr" award on your death bed? We often regret the things we didn't do FAR more than we regret the things we did do. Life is too short not to embrace pleasure.

Overcoming our inhibitions requires us to assess the source of our morality, then systematically eliminate the anxiety that fuels the inhibitions. Instead of being a passive slave to our self-imposed limitations, we can make a conscious decision to take charge of our lives and actually make our deepest desires reality... but we have to be willing to act. This list of techniques gives you more than enough tools to overcome your inhibitions... you just need the willingness to make it happen.

Now get off your ass and start enjoying life!

###

Childhood Sexual Abuse: Honest Shit Every Parent Needs to Know

In my recent post about fixing mismatched sex drives between partners where one wants more sex and the other wants less sex, I mentioned that sexual abuse is one of the factors that can influence our libido. My friend Zap commented that she's never surprised when friends confide about childhood sexual abuse with her. 

Indeed, the numbers are quite startling. Based on reported cases (many incidents go unreported), 20% of girls and 5%-15% of boys are sexually abused as children. The overall number is somewhere around 10%. Remember, those are reported cases. While nearly impossible to determine, it's estimated that only about 10-15% of cases are reported.

As parents, it's impossible to protect your children from every possible danger. However, there are some basic steps you can take to help prevent your children from becoming victims of sexual abuse. I have the good fortune of having a good friend in law enforcement that specialized in investigating childhood sexual crimes. Our conversations were both informative and scary as Hell. The vast majority of the public has no idea how to protect their children from sexual abuse. Here are a few tips:

The first thing you can do is talk to your kids. Start by giving them correct anatomical names for their body parts. Yes, they will talk about their penises and vaginas in public on occasion. Yes it will be embarrassing. Suck it up and teach them accurate information.

Also teach your kids that's it's inappropriate for anyone to touch their genitalia. If someone does, instruct them to tell you even if threatened. It's important they feel comfortable confiding in you.

You can also take steps to avoid placing your kids in positions where they may be abused. The first step is understanding the two types of abusers- crimes committed by pedophiles and crimes of opportunity. 

Pedophiles are people that are sexually aroused by children. This is the classic perpetrator we think of when we think of child abuse... the cheesy mustache, the windowless van, etc. Pedophiles are likely going to engage in fairly predictable behavior, like befriending your kids, giving them gifts, or engaging in systematic behaviors that allow them to be alone with your kids (think Jerry Sandusky).

Crimes of opportunity are committed by people who are aren't necessarily aroused by children, but are placed in a position where they may impulsively molest a child. This is the group that often evades parental radar- the close family friend, the relative, the local teenager (33% of perps are minors themselves), etc. This group is nearly impossible for most people to predict because they may not have overt behaviors. They're just normal people that are put in a situation where they cannot resist a temptation (and we're terrible at resisting temptations). In all likelihood, they're trusted by the parents. The parents allow their kids to be alone with this group because there's no reason to believe the kids are in danger.

Together, both of these groups make up around 85%-95% of all cases of sexual abuse. The key- these are people you know and you won't always recognize them as a potential abuser. Only about 5-15% of child sexual abuse cases are committed by strangers. Clearly stranger danger ISN'T the greatest danger.

So... what are some warning signs? Here are a few predictors that should raise red flags:

• Males. Yup. That's a big one. Males commit around 90% of all child sexual abuse cases.
• Anyone who voluntarily wants to spend time with your kids. Kids are annoying. Adults generally don't like being around other people's kids... especially if those people are male. 
• Adolescent males. If they've hit puberty, they're possible perpetrators of a crime of opportunity.
• Unusual attention paid to kids. This is pretty much the same as #2... be weary of anyone who talks to kids more than adults.
• Victims of sexual abuse. These numbers vary widely, but anywhere from 40-80% of perpetrators of childhood sexual abuse were once abused themselves. Again, the "male" rule applies.
• People who hold very conservative sexual views that encourage suppression of sexuality. Repression of sexual desires will be manifested in some way, and sexually abusing children is common.

Some situations to avoid:

• Don't let your kids be alone with strangers (the most obvious step even seemingly oblivious parents usually follow).
• Don't let your kids be alone around male teenagers and always ask if male teens will be in a household where your kids may be staying. This is especially true if the teen comes from a home with strict conservative sexual values.
• Don't let your kids be alone with anyone post-puberty who seems to want to befriend them or gives them gifts.
• Be suspicious of anyone that befriends YOU, then seems to pay a lot of attention to your kids. single moms, this rule REALLY applies to you.
• Don't let your kids be alone with male relatives or friends regardless of their age, especially if the adults were the ones who recommended the "alone time."
• Don't let your kids be alone with people who are habitually drinking or using other drugs that lower inhibitions... especially males.

The major take-away: Don't automatically trust people. I realize most people want to see the inherent good in others, but that adolescent cousin, friendly uncle, or helpful neighbor are greater threats than a stranger lurking in the bushes.

Most of you probably read that list and laughed at the absurdity of the recommendations. There's a pretty good chance the parents of children who have been sexually abused also would have laughed at this list, too. There's also a pretty good chance the adults that were sexually abused as children who read this will wish their parents would have read a similar list and taken it seriously.

If you think it is completely unrealistic, I'd like to once again point out out that ten percent of kids are abused. It's up to you to do everything in your power to make sure your kids aren't part of that statistic. 

I'm not usually the kind of person that uses scare tactics to motivate people to act, but I have FAR too many friends that were abused as kids to not care. If you're a parent and choose to disregard my advice, please seek other sources to educate yourself.

###