How to Get What You Need From Relationships: Honest, Direct Communication

In my last post, I talked about the skill of active listening. After we practice that skill, we'll become better listeners. 

Great!

Now what?

The next step is working on communicating our own needs with our partner. In a healthy relationship, each partner will feel comfortable opening dialogue about their needs. If they have needs that aren't being met, they feel safe expressing those needs. That should result in a discussion where the couple finds a mutually-beneficial solution to the problem.

In unhealthy relationships, one or both partners do not feel comfortable expressing their needs. It may be the result of patterns developed earlier in life. It may result in one or both partners' reactions. It's not uncommon for one partner to feel angry or inadequate. It is as if the discussion is a direct assault on their self-worth.

The trick is to find a way for each partner to express their feelings in a safe environment without blame, condescending comments, name-calling, or other hurt feelings. That will only inhibit future sharing, which ultimately dooms relationships.

I would recommend using the following method:

Step one: The partner (A) with the unmet need shares their concern with their partner (B.) Be calm and direct. Say exactly what need is not being met including how you'd like that need to be met.

Step two: Partner B will practice good active listening skills by rewording the need and reading the emotional state of Partner A. This should be done in a clam, relaxed manner with no judgment, commentary, or opinions.

Step three: Allow Partner A to correct any mistakes in Partner B's interpretation. Once both partners are clear about the exact nautre of the issue, move on.

Step four: Partner B will now give their opinion. How can this need be met? What would it take for that to happen?

Step five: Both Partner A and Partner B will brainstorm possible mutually-beneficial solutions that take both sides into consideration. Both parties need to be able to make concessions if needed. Continue until a solution is reached. At some point, the desire to be 'right" may supersede the desire to come to a conclusion. Remember, the goal is compromise, not "winning."

That's it. It's a simple process that's exceedingly effective. I highly recommend developing special "rules" when sharing needs to keep each other on task and prevent the situation from devolving into a bitter argument.

1. Always remain respectful. Do not resort to yelling, name-calling, or bring up old unresolved issues. 
2. Keep emotions at bay. Emotions tend to cloud our judgment and create a situation where negative emotions escalate.
3. Accept responsibility for the issues in your relationship. Realize most problems are the result of both partners' actions (or lack thereof.)

Just like any other relationship skill, this whole process takes process. Try it out on a few minor issues before tackling the big ones.

Happy conflict resolution!

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How to be a Better Listener

Good relationships are based on open, honest communication. A major part of that communication involves the ability to talk to your partner. Unfortunately, many of us are terrible listeners. When other people talk, we have the tendency to nod, make eye contact, and other signs we're apparently paying attention.

It's a learned response, though. Most of the time we're not really processing what the other person is saying. We're either thinking of what we're going to say next or off in our own little worlds imagining what we're goin g to cook for dinner that night.

The result- communication completely breaks down.

The first step to good communication is actually listening to what your partner is saying. We need to become active listeners. We have to process what the other person is saying by thinking about it. Fortunately it's a pretty easy skill to learn. We'll break it down into two parts.

Part One

When your partner says something, reword it an repeat it back to them. If they come home from work and say "Today was a rough day. I had to file a lot of TPS reports." 

You respond with "I understand today was difficult because you had a large number of TPS reports to file."

That's all there is to it. Practice this technique for a few days. When it begins to feel more natural, move on to step two.

Part Two

Now we're going to interpret our partner's emotional state in our repeated response. Instead of just rewording their statement, try to interpret their emotions along with the cause. For example:

"I just got off the phone with my sister. She's such a bitch. I can't believe she wore my yellow dress to that party."

You'd respond with "You feel angry your sister wore your dress."

This gives your partner a chance to correct you should you be wrong about the emotion or the cause of the emotion. This process assures you're really hearing what they're saying because it forces you to interpret. Interpretation requires a degree of deep thought. Once we really hear what our partner is saying, we can then work on other more advanced elements of interpersonal communication.

Give it a shot for a week or two. When communication breaks down in relationships, the best way to get it back is to learn the necessary skills. This is the first such skill. Get to work!

My Experiences

This is sort of a sidebar that has nothing to do with the actual practice... just the story of why I'm pretty good at this skill. It may be useful for those of you that have people in your life that don't seem to be very good at listening to others talk. ;-)

I always assumed all people used active listening. I didn't realize most people didn't until my late 20's. Yes, I can be a bit dense sometimes.

I always did it out of necessity. I have a memory disorder called auditory processing disorder, which is sort of like dyslexia for hearing instead of vision. My brain holds on to auditory information a fraction of a second too long, which interferes with new information coming in. It requires me to decipher every part of a conversation, which includes processing what was said to give it context, watching body language, and reading lips. If I can decipher what a person says, I'll have already thought about it.

Of course, there's a serious trade-off. Like a dyslexic trying to read a textbook, my ability to follow a conversation is seriously hampered by loud environments, soft or high-pitch talkers, or party atmospheres. I hate talking on phones, too.  Auditory information without visual cues can be close to impossible to understand and is very mentally exhausting.

If you know someone that seems to suffer from the same problems, Google "auditory processing disorder." There's some great information out there to help people understand why they seemingly can't "hear", even if they have perfect hearing.

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What's the Deal with Sexual Orientation? Is Society's Prejudice Justified?

Sexual orientation, or which sex we're attracted to, has always been a fascinating topic. Specifically, I've been fascinated with the emotion behind the prejudice against gay, lesbian, and bisexual individuals. Why do people care which gender another person loves?

Some History

I grew up in a small rural town. It wasn't as conservative as some other areas Shelly and I have visited in our travels, but it was rather typical. As kids and teens, we would routinely use "gay" to describe something we didn't like and "fag" as a derogatory term. I never actually gave much thought to the idea that people could be attracted to the same sex; it just wasn't in my sphere of experience. I didn't understand why someone would like a member of their own sex, but I had far more important things to think about.

When I went to college, my intro to psych professor discussed sexual orientation. He talked about the present research (mid-nineties at the time) and the possibility that sexual orientation could be determined by genetics or biology as opposed to a conscious choice. 

It was one of the first times I realized my view of the world was incredibly limited.

It forced some fascinating cognitive dissonance, namely the fact that sexual orientation could be outside the realm of free choice and my prior behavior toward homosexuality was nothing but ignorant prejudice.

Over the next few years, i studied lots of elements of human sexuality. During that time, the picture of sexual orientation came into focus. I had a handful of non-heterosexual friends that shed A LOT of light on my own perception of sexual orientation. 

Specifically, it made me realize that they weren't choosing to be attracted to the same sex any more than I was choosing to be attracted to the opposite sex. It was one of the first times I was able to really experience empathy.

When I became a teacher, I was thrust into an overtly hostile antihomosexual environment. Our principal at the time did nothing to stop bullying, including that coming from teachers. Over the course of a few years, a few other teachers and I managed to build a small community where we attempted to create a safe place for students. 

The stories they told were absolutely heart-breaking. They had been tormented with their feelings for years. Many clearly understood they were attracted to the same sex, but were immersed in a world that would severely punish them should they speak out. Most that did come out to their families were essentially abandoned. The few kids that were open about their sexual orientation experienced severe harassment. Many had contemplated suicide; a few actually tried.

Present Day

Since those early experiences, I've been a fairly vocal advocate of equal rights based on sexual orientation. It's one of the few opinions I express that I genuinely support (as opposed to many others which are just done for the sake of spirited debate.) Most of it is based on a combination of realizing my gay, lesbian, and bisexual friends are no different than my heterosexual friends. It's also based on science. Finally it's based on a sense of moral justice... I cannot justify treating a group differently based on my own personal sense of right and wrong.

Rationale for Homoprejudice?

I honestly cannot understand the opposition to homosexuality. Science is fairly clear and supports what pretty much any gay, lesbian, or bisexual person will say- they didn't make a choice about who they are attracted to. Based on that, prejudice against sexual orientation is no different than racism, sexism, ageism, or handedness.

Some people like to use religion as a rationale for their prejudice, but is that really warranted? Let's use Christianity as an example. Some sects and denominations are overtly anti-homosexual. Why? Because of a few passages that hint at it? What about the overarching theme of the Bible- treat others as you wish to be treated? And didn't Jesus preach love and acceptance? Could you imagine Jesus beating up a dude because he was gay? Why do we use the Bible to justify antihomosexual prejudice but yet stopped stoning women? What about other parts of the Bible that direct followers to stick up for those that have no powers? For example:

Proverbs 31:8- "Speak up for those who cannot speak for themselves; ensure justice for those being crushed."

Is there an asterisk after that passage that omits sexual orientation? 

Marriage is a popular, more acceptable means of expressing our homosexual prejudices. Some will use a rationale that allowing gay and lesbian couples to marry will somehow ruin the institution of marriage. What the fuck is that about? As a married dude, I'm positive denying others the same right I have in no way devalues the relationship I have with my wife.

Some argue that allowing homosexual couples to marry will open up a floodgate of people wanting to marry inanimate objects, animals, or something similarly stupid. Marriage is a consensual activity. If one cannot give consent, one cannot get married. Simple but powerful idea.

Others like to argue the economics by claiming allowing homosexual couples to marry will somehow hurts us on a micro or macroeconomic level. Regardless of the legitimacy of their argument, it ignores the fact that heterosexual marriage would cause the same potential problems. If you're anti-marriage based on economics, that's cool... but be anti-marriage, not anti-gay marriage.

Sometimes people drag children into the equation by justifying homoprejudice on the grounds that homosexual cannot have kids. Of course, this ignores the fact that a significant number of gay, lesbian, and bisexual individuals have kids. Sexual orientation doesn't eliminate the mechanics that allow procreation. That aside, if having children is so important, shouldn't we also have the same prejudice against heterosexual individuals that choose not to have kids?

Finally, many will justify their prejudice under the belief that eliminating prejudice will allow homosexuality to "spread." It's the "I don't want my kids to be turned gay" argument. Simple logic should dispel this idea by paraphrasing a gay friend "Why on earth would anybody voluntarily choose to ignore their biological attraction to the opposite sex to live a life of persecution and social rejection?!?"

What's Really Going On?

A few years ago, a line of research emerged that attempted to answer a question- is prejudice towards homosexuals a defense mechanism against an individual's latent attraction to the same sex? In other words, are gay-bashers so emotional in their prejudice because they're hiding their own desires toward the same sex?

The research, which used some pretty nifty experimental methods, seemed to indicate this is true. There's not enough data to reach a consensus, but there is enough to consider this a possibility.

Westboro Church? I bet all of the members are pretty far to the right of the Kinsey scale. :-)

I also think the prejudice we see toward homosexuality is based on the same principles that affect all our prejudices... we fear what we don't understand. It's no surprise people's perceptions of homosexuality change dramatically once they get to know a few people that are not heterosexual. We break down stereotypes we have toward groups once we stop seeing them as a "group" and begin seeing each other as individuals.

At the very minimum, prejudice against any group should elicit at least some feelings of injustice. Can we really rationalize poor treatment of any group of people? Do we have the right to infringe on the rights of others, especially if their rights don't infringe on ours? Are we really doing to use someone else's moral code to rationalize our own prejudice?

What do you think? Leave a comment, but be respectful. Intelligent discourse is welcome, but overt hatred will not be tolerated. ;-)

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How We End Our Relationships

The first post in the series talked about the difference between healthy and unhealthy relationships. The second post was a call to action if your relationship is unhealthy- either fix it or end it. This post digs into the uncomfortable topic of ending relationships.

How do people end relationships? Is there a way we should end relationships?

Let's start with the first question- what methods do we see when ending relationships. If you're in a bad relationship, you may be doing some of these right now. Or your partner may be doing them to you. Either way, all of these are signs the relationship has more or less ended for one member of the partnership, and they're trying to work their way out.

• Positive tone honesty: This is usually very direct, sort of like ripping off a bandaid while eating ice cream. One partner will usually tell the other they still care for them, but no longer love them and would like to move on.
• Verbal deescalation: This is sort of like the above tactic without the ice cream. You simply tell your partner you no longer love them, want to see other people, etc.
• Behavioral deescalation: This is a slower method where one partner simply begins avoiding contact with the other. This may range from constantly busying themselves with outside "projects" to completely disappearing.
• Negative identity management: This method can take many forms, but generally involves the breaker feel better by comparing themselves to the breakee. This may include behaviors like telling your partner both of you should start seeing other people or even trying to set them up with someone else.
• Justification: This occurs when one partner simply lays their cards on the table by telling their partner they're not meeting their needs.
• Active sabotage: his method occurs when one partner does behaviors that force the other partner to end the relationship. They're making themselves bad partners. This may range from the unhappy partner acting douchey and critical to ignoring and/or withholding sex and affection to having an affair. A sudden increase in conflict is a tell-tale sign of this method.
• Taking a Break: Ah, the method popularized by "Friends." The idea is to give the other partner false hope by suggesting that the relationship may continue after a period of time.
• Moving on before the relationship ends: The unhappy partner finds a better partner and begins an affair. This is fundamentally different than active sabotage because the breaker is looking for a replacement relationship, not just a relationship that will cause the present relationship to end. This almost always results in the unhappy partner making sudden, drastic changes to their appearance or behaviors.

There are probably a few others, but this pretty much sums up most of the popular methods.

So how should we end relationships? In healthy relationships, both partners are acutely aware of the state of the relationship, so neither is blind-sided. In this case both partners realize the relationship has run its course. Both mutually realize it's time to move on. It may be sad, but both are also eager to move on.

What about unhealthy relationships? In almost all cases, one person wants to end it while the other does not. Worse, that partner may be completely oblivious that the relationship is on the rocks even if they're aware the relationship is less than perfect.

It's probably a good idea to attempt to fix the relationship with the help of a therapist before ending it unless there's abuse. Even if it doesn't save the relationship, it will help both people understand why the relationship isn't working.  This will help both partners find some degree of closure and help prevent similar problems in future relationships.

If You're the Breaker... 

The decision to end a relationship is difficult. If your partner does not want the relationship to end, they will likely use some form of manipulation to keep you in the relationship. It's important to be completely honest, but don't be overly critical over your partner's flaws. Just accept that they cannot meet your needs. There's no need to unnecessarily vilify them.

Set a date to tell them of your decision. Choose a private place unless they may be dangerous. Anticipate anger or attempts to manipulate you into staying. If you've been working with a therapist, they can provide mediation if you feel it is necessary. Acknowledge their feelings, but don't apologize for making the decision to end the relationship. Be nice; don't get sucked into an argument. Once the decision is made, stick to it. Afterward, it's likely there will be lots of logistics to take care of (divorce, dividing property, child custody, etc.) That process is difficult and it may be helpful to remove yourself from their presence (live apart.) Having a plan beforehand is useful.

If You're the Breakee...

If you're the person being broken up with, the situation is more difficult. The relationship may have seemed solid even if you were aware of problems. It's important to know most people don't decide to leave a relationship without a great deal of thought. They probably did a few of the things listed earlier in the post in an attempt to distance themselves from you.

Odds are good you're still deeply in love with the person and will do anything to keep them. However, they may no longer love you. A good test is to observe their emotional reaction. If they express anger, it's a decent sign they still have feelings for you but you're not meeting their needs. Therapy could feasibly save the relationship, but only if they're willing. If you do try to fix the relationship, give it one sincere try. Put forth your best possible effort to fix your own personal issues, then work on your relationship issues.

If they have little or no emotional reaction, it's likely they no longer love you. In that case, it's best to move on. Don't become a crazy stalker. As difficult as that may be, the sooner you move on the better. In that case, accept their right to break up with you. There will be a lot of pain, both emotional and physical. The sudden withdrawal of endorphins and dopamine that were released when in their presence is one of the causes and completely normal. Celebrate the good times, and learn from the bad. Treat it as a learning experience. Both of you were likely at fault to some degree, so work on your skills for your next relationship.

Want more information? Here's a pretty good article about getting over a breakup.

Conclusion

Most relationships end. Being familiar with the patterns and warning signs that a relationship is nearing an end may help us fix it before it's too late, especially for the breakee. It may also spare us some of the prolonged heartache associated with living in a bad relationship. If we're the breaker, we may recognize the relationship is over and seek a quicker end.

So... do readers have any other ending relationship tips? Leave a comment!

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Fix It or End It: The Only Two Options for Bad Relationships

In my last post, I discussed some characteristics of healthy and unhealthy relationships. I'm always a little surprised at the sheer number of people I encounter that indicate their relationship has major problems. Many times it's manifested as "My spouse has a serious problem with me running barefoot." When I dig a little deeper, that seemingly minor issue is a symptom for far deeper issues.

I shouldn't be surprised, though. I've been in bad relationships. I was married previously. My current relationship with Shelly hasn't always been muffins wrapped in rainbows. In both situations, I knew I was in a bad relationship for a long time before deciding to take action. The gist of this post is just that- a guide on how to take action.

Once you acknowledge you're in a bad relationship, a decision must be made:

Fix it or end it.

Simply continuing is not fair to you or your partner. Life is far too short to spend in a shitty relationship. If your partner keeps you from being the best you can possibly be (or vice versa), you're wasting the precious little time you have.

Excuses

Most people that stay in bad relationships use a litany of excuses to justify and rationalize inaction. Some of the most common:

• We have kids together. What's worse- having two happy parents that aren't in a relationship together or two bitter, angry parents modeling a loveless marriage? If you think the latter is better for your kids' well-being, please stop reading my blog.
• We've been together for a long time. This is the anthem of the unhappy. No matter how much time and effort you've spent on anything, be it a relationship, career, or jig saw puzzle, we have to look at the effect it has on us right now. Imprisoning yourself in a world of misery for the future based on past happiness is flat-out stupid. Learn to rejoice the past, cut your losses, and create a better future.
• "Everyone has problems. There are ups and downs in all relationships. Relationships are hard." WRONG. If a relationship is hard, you're doing it wrong. The hard part of relationships is recognizing and admitting our own faults, then fixing them so they don't pollute our relationship. There are lots of people in great relationships, and they do it with ease. Why? They're secure, healthy individuals.
• The entire relationship isn't bad. Most relationships have some good elements. There are a few good times mixed in with the bad, and those few good times can be enough to motivate inaction.
• We're working on it, but not really working on it. This may be the most insidious excuse of them all because it gives the illusion of improvement. In many relationships, this involves a series of behaviors where the relationship sours, both people change their behavior pattern for a period of time and the relationship temporarily improves, then both slip back into the same old destructive behaviors.

None of these reasons are valid excuses to maintain a shitty relationship, which leads back to the two possible options- really fix it or end it.

In my own relationships, I had to make that decision. I ended one, decided to really fix the other. Both situations ended up working out for the better for all parties involved.

Before we get to the point where we try to fix a relationship, we should probably assess if the relationship is worth saving. Here are few pretty easy cases:

• If one or both partners are physically or emotionally abusive, the relationship probably needs to end, especially if there's children involved. 
• If both people just aren't into each other anymore, the relationship should end. This is actually the best-case "breakup" scenario.
• If one partner has no interest in continuing as a couple, it should probably end. You can't force someone to love another.
• If the people are fundamentally incompatible (vague description, I know), it should probably end.

Here's a quick and dirty test. Ask yourself how you would feel if you never saw your significant other again. If your honest gut response is "relieved", it's time to end it.

Yes, it's hard to end a relationship. There are a lot of costs associated with the decision. There may be kids involved. There's shared property. Family. Common friends. Pets. However, deciding to leave a bad relationship may be the best thing for you personally. If you're not growing as a person, you're not living up to your fullest potential. If that's not motivating, your partner is suffering the same fate. You're keeping them from being the best possible person they can be. If you have kids, you'll spend their childhood modeling bad relationship habits. Where do you think your bad relationship habits came from? Are you comfortable knowing you're setting them up for the same strife you're experiencing right now? If the relationship needs to end, end it.

There's more gray area if both people really want the relationship to continue, but have significant issues that cannot be overcome. This is where we REALLY fix the relationship. I would strongly suggest giving it one last shot with the understanding that using the same methods that failed to resolve issues in the past will not fix current problems. Most relationship problems stem from the bad relationship patterns we learned earlier in life. We simply don't have the tools to fix our own problems, let alone relationship problems.

In that case, I would highly recommend seeking individual professional help. A good therapist can help us work through our own issues so we can be part of a healthy relationship. IT'S IMPORTANT FOR BOTH PEOPLE TO DO THIS! Once each person has worked through their issues, then we can seek the help of a good couple's therapist to teach us the relationship skills to make a great relationship.

If only one member of the couple seeks help, the relationship will fail. This is common when one person is blamed for the problems in the relationship, which is never the case. BOTH people need to solve their issues or the relationship will continue to suck.

If you're in a bad relationship, I challenge you to take action today. Really fix it or end it. Life's too short to take any other path.

The next post in the series will discuss how we end relationships.

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